How to be gentle with words when youre upset?

I dont mean to, but I can be snappy with people when Im stressed or upset. I dont realise I am being this way its only from having a chat with a good friend that Ive become to understand sometimes my speech can come across this way. I obviously dont want to hurt my friends and its hard when you dont recognise yourself doing it. I find it really hard to gauge peoples tones in speech whether its spoken or written and its only been in recent years that Ive really found my own voice through typing and the online community so I feel like socially Im still a beginner. I have a lot of information in my brain and over the years Ive gone from barely verbal/mute to awkwardly talking and stuttering and not being able to express myself to finding my platform to express myself through typing. I have a lot more fluidity with my thoughts and being able to express myself. This however has meant I understand I am lacking in a lot of areas. Having this way of properly being able to communicate has helped me a lot with my confidence verbally too.

Do you have any tips on how to recognise in myself when Im being snappy? I know sometimes I can get really frustrated, problem solving and puzzles and patterns is one of my favourite things, but I know I get frustrated when people try and solve my life problem puzzles because they cant see the pieces of the puzzle in my head. Instead of getting frustrated with people I want to be able to explain that actually on a friendship level companionship and distraction helps me most, but by that point Im frustrated and upset. This is where the being snappy comes in. Sometimes when I get stuck on things I do ask for advise, but sometimes I feel people get caught up in trying to give advise without asking me if I actually need advise and this is where I get frustrated.

Have you got any suggestions on what I could work on and how maybe I can explain things without being rude or snappy? The last thing I want to do is hurt my friends or make them feel like Im pushing them away when Im trying to explain I need a different approach. It makes me sad knowing Ive hurt friends and I really want to learn how to manage this.

I know this might sound a bit weird asking for advise on how to ask people not to give me advise, but I need to find a tactful way to explain to friends or create an understanding so that if I do need advise I can ask and if I dont need advise and its upsetting me that I can have a way to explain without being blunt/rude/snappy.. Does this make any sense?

I want to learn to be a better friend to my friends.

Thank you.

I think this needs a context. Can you give an example?

I guess the most simple answer is to not speak words when you are upset. Count to 10. Excuse yourself by saying you need to be on your own.

And when you notice you say mean things when you are upset, you can apologize for it later.

If you say mean things but you don't notice it yourself, not much you can do, I am afraid. Except trying to be more sensitive to it long-term,

I dont think its mean things so much as maybe more blunt or factual in a kinda rough edged way? I dont say things to purposefully hurt people but I guess I might be dismissive and say something like that I cant deal with hypothetical ideas that arent concrete or feasible with my given circumstance.

I didnt know it was a problem until I talked to a couple friends about it so its hard for me to really explain because Im not sure which parts are snappy. Im grateful to have friends who will actually take the time to explain that I upset them so I can try and learn to be better with my words.

I was trying to express my needs in that the advise without knowing what Ive already tried or talked about or knowing the full story to know all the variables to be able to make a valid suggestion that is helpful makes me even more upset when I all I need is a friend. And by a friend I mean maybe talking about their day, hanging out, talking about something else, distraction. Unless Im really stuck and I ask for outside perspectives I find it more frustrating than helpful. For me distraction is a big part of helping me calm down enough that I can better assess a problem.. Some problems dont even have solutions that you can put in place, sometimes its waiting for an outcome from a professional or needing to let time take its course..

I thought I was looking after myself by explaining that something was upsetting me.. but thats moot if by proxy I hurt someone I care about in the process.

I just guess Im looking to find a way to ask for companionship rather than advise without making the other person feel bad for just trying to help?

When you are calm, perhaps you can nicely ask your friends to only give you advice when you ask for it.

I dont think I would have even known if they hadnt said something. Im glad they did, Im just trying to make it right for the future.

Ok, do you think it would add confusion to add in there a "when Im upset" so ask "could I ask that if Im upset maybe only give advice if I ask for it, when Im upset I find distraction and your companionship really helps"

does that sound ok?

Thanks for your help with figuring this out with me. Social interaction can be a mindfield and I just want to express my needs without hurting friends

Maybe it will help if you try to remember to be kind. I have a hard time doing that, myself. I have not always been kind when I talk to people. It's a simple thing, just try to be kind. It is really hard to be kind if I get upset, though. What helps is to respond slowly because there is no hurry, really. Hope that might help.

Thank you. It really scared me that I had hurt people with my words without even knowing I had. Im just grateful I have friends who know me well enough that they can be honest with me and trust that Ill listen. Ill try and be patient in those times when Im upset and go for a little while to try and reset and come back when I can explain more calmly. Thanks for hearing me out and helping me figure stuff out.

I had a good chat with a few people that I talk to often and trust and figured out a way that I can communicate a change in conversation and a change in approach if I say it without having to worry too much about how its said because its pre agreed. A code phrase Thank you. I feel a bit better knowing in the future I have a way to communicate my needs without hurting people I love.

I have this problem and really never saw that I was like this until recently... I also have this problem when I am in a good frame of mind.

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Just don't respond to their advice or say something like 'thanks, I'll think about it' if you can and then change the subject. It's hard not to snap sometimes.

The other day I asked my friend a question and she gave me a lecture that went way beyond what I was asking her. It was condescending and unwanted advice, and I found myself blurting out "I don't need a lecture, I just asked a question." So, I know what you mean...it's hard not to snap.

I forget to to say “thank you” or even acknowledge what someone said. Oh and I got that same lecture a few times myself.

I try to remember the proper response but I do forget. Another thing is If I do something for someone, I am not looking for anything in return, which is not an issue. But if someone does something for me there is some kind of reciprocal response required from some which completely goes over my head. When confronted with this, that get me mad.

i forgot please 1 time out of one thousand and get penalised for it-no thank you from me this tme

The (deeper) solution to this problem is to step away or distance yourself from your emotions. That is the only true solution in my opinion. Once you distance yourself from your emotions (anger, jealousy, embarrassment, etc), you no longer take the provocation as personal or threatening. You just calm down, and respond assertively and effectively. "I don't appreciate that kind of language/treatment/remark."

As long as you're lost in the emotions and the heat of the moment, the response that comes out is likely going to be one you will regret. So, try to step away, zoom out, and see things more clearly, before responding.

Tricks like "take a deep breath", "wait 30 seconds", or "just smile in return" are very superficial solutions that may or may not work.

I can hear you saying, "Yeah, right. Easier said than done, buddy !". I agree with you ... so is life ! T.R.Y.

It is more about my affect and how I come access. Inside for the most part I am calm for the second part which is why I find it surprising to me I come off like I am upsetting.

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i want to comment on this and say that i think manners are so overrated.

you know, you say please and thank you for things.. but when the help is reversed, they arn't polite at all?

so then you forget to say please and thank you and they like.. um, what do you say?. just 1 word.. what is it?

i remember saying once- i don't think i need to say anything to you. i don't see you using it- why should i?

you get the nice mannors only if you use them too