[Yuuri]

Hello everyone, just about 30 minutes ago I made an account and wanted to ask something, well some things..

First of all, a little background check on me, and our age system at school:

0-4 (kindergarten)
4-12 (elementary school)
12-16 (middle school/junior high)
16-20 (high school)

When I was little (around 6-7) I was a REAL rebel. I didn't like teachers, because they unnecessarily make others know who is in charge. I don't like the difference in social standing. I never listened to teachers, used to hurt myself and others and eventually, when I was 7, I got sent to a special school. A school dealing with 'problem children'. I got terrified of the change, I shut down completely. I didn't know what was happening. I immediately lost myself, I did not know who I was or why I was here. I became someone else, a fake one. Or maybe that was who I was all along.
It took me 2 years to regain my former self, to where I could laugh and be myself. I didn't cause trouble in those 2 years, only listened to the teachers and I became the number 1 student in school (despite being in the lowest grade, I was on the same level with the seniors even though I was in the youngest grade.) I never hung out with kids my age, I liked being with older people. They understood me and I could have real conversations with them. They were calm, mature and wise. I went to a school therapist twice a month and got medication to keep myself calm. It was supposed to control my impulses.
I began liking it there. Every class had 10 students. Every student got tons of guidance and help and I loved it. They really helped me there.
But then the time came to go to middle school. I was feeling so bad, I feared becoming a closed person, and I was right. I shut down again, completely. I just did what I was told and didn't bother with others.

But then I found someone to spend my life with (not male, female, and for the record, I am straight).

And there came the time I graduated and got into high school, a school specially designed for animal industries. But something hit me hard. I don't know what, but this time, I shut down, without someone to help me. In the 2 years I have been studying here, I have never found someone to spend time with. I just have 'friends' to talk with, because I don't want to talk much but I don't want them to think I am weird, because I am kind of mute.

My 2nd year started 6 months ago or something, so I am basically halfway over my 2nd year (3rd year is my last year). And 8 weeks ago, I started internship at a dog groomer through school, which is supposed to last 10 weeks. I did an internship at this dog groomer in my 1st year, though that was only a 5-week internship.

I wanted to become a dog groomer when I experienced that internship, which is why I chose for this dog groomer again. It is a family business.
But lately, or well, on the very first day I have had issues with them.

I have the diagnosis of Asperger's, but my therapist thinks I have several other mental problems as well (anxiety, depression, self-esteem issues, social phobia, and several more).

The thing is, my Asperger's is ruining my life, and I don't know how to deal with it. Talking about it with my parents isn't really an option. I have NEVER been the type to talk it out, and advice like ''oh you do have to tell your parents, otherwise they will never know'' really bothers me. Therefore I have asked help from a social organisation, called IMPEGNO.

Intake starts 16th january at 4.00pm. Really curious but here is why I have decided to call for help:

I think I want to drop out of high school.

I don't know what else to do. High school is really bothering me.
Especially my internship at the dog groomer. I had my school coach come over for a conversation with my superiors at the doggrooming salon to talk about my asperger's and it went really well. They were saying nice things, complimenting me, saying that some people are just like that and there is no helping it. I even cried, because of the emotions I had cropped up for so long.

I thought the problem was solved, but boy I was gravely mistaken about that.

I feel like they don't like me. There is another girl who already started her dog-grooming training course, meaning if she graduates from that she is a full-fledged groomer. They talk to her like she is one of them, and I am just an intern. That is one of many things rubbing me the wrong way.

Something else is the way they talk to me when I don't get something. They get frustrated and act as if the thing I am not understanding is something really normal. But I am not normal, I understand things differently, and I need more clarity. They just aren't the sort of people who can handle people like that.

I also don't like when I ask something, and they return with a snappy comeback like ''What do YOU think?''.
Ma'am, maybe I am asking you because I don't know (what to think)???

I really just want to scream in their faces and tell them everything I am feeling because of them, but I can't. If I do that, my internship is over. And I don't like quitting halfway.

Something more dramatic happened which had the greatest impact on me ever since I have started being an intern there.

Right before Christmas break, I was waiting for them to instruct me what to do. They were discussing about me having to wash a peculiar dog. A dog that gets scared easily. I immediately had a feeling of dread. I knew I was going to screw up. But they just told me how to wash the dog, how long and what shampoo to use. I went into the washing room and I was holding the dog. I panicked because I only had 1 grooming leash (dogs wear 2; one around their throats and one at their hips). I set the dog on the ground, thinking he would be less scared if he knew he had space. I immediately asked my superior for help. When she came in, she got unbelievably mad at me. I was just panicking and didn't know what to do. She kept repeating : the dog is totally pissed, he is really stressed out.

And she said some other things too, about me (personally). I felt incredibly small, really wanted to cry and say that I had an extreme panic attack. But I kept my pokerface. There was a regular customer there too, so I didn't want to cause any trouble. But they kept saying the dog might be scarred for life, and I began doubting my abilities to become a dog groomer. Am I good enough? Am I cut out for the job? I have so many problems here, how will I do when I actually start my training course to become a dog groomer?

I just stood there, not knowing what to do, desperately trying not to cry. I just wanted to disappear from there, lock myself up in my room. I wanted to stop my internship that moment.

There was another day when I wore pants with rather large holes in them (we were pretty poor and I didn't want to bother my parents into buying new jeans for me. All my other pants were in the washing machine, I didn't have anything else to wear).

That day with the pants was just a normal day for me, but to them I was just a burden. They had me help them so much (usually I wash a dog myelf, and they too wash a dog theirselves) they realised how I was,; they finally got to meet my Aspie-side. When I was excused from helping them wash a dog (I then had to wash the ceiling) I overheard them talking that they would send me home, because I was in the way all the time today. That really broke my heart. I was doing the best I could, I asked tons of times when I didn't understand something, to which they made snappy remarks at the whole time. Most of the time they would stare me in the eyes for a couple of seconds, to which I look away immediately. They look like they think I am really stupid.

They really get frustrated with me if I ask 'simple' questions, like what cleaning brush to use. They then ask ''what do YOU think yourself'' and make me feel so small. I thought they understood me if we had the conversation about Aspergers, but I don't even think they accept me having it. They just treat me like the rest. But I need more than that, I need clear directions. They just aren't the right ones to help me.

My self esteem has taken a huge blow since then. I have always had extreme low self esteem but it seemed to become worse since I started as an Intern there.

I even act as if I have a really big ego at home, because I don't want to have them think I have extreme low self esteem. I am wearing masks everywhere, and I am scared to remove them.

That is why I think of dropping out of high school. Please don't say something like ''that's stupid, just deal with it and finish high school. I have three years and I am in the start of the second half of my 2nd year (which means I am halfway my highschool now).

If I am going to deal with these problems all of my school life, I don't want to become a dog groomer, or something special. I want to fix myself when I stop high school. Like by going to the psychologist and such and finding suitable work. By the way, I am 17 right now and I turn 18 right before I start 3rd year (last year). In my country we have to follow education till we are 18 years of age, which means I am free from any education when I turn 18 AND almost begin 3rd year. I know some of you are going to nag me like just finish high school and get a diploma, just to 'be sure' to have a diploma and such, but I feel really depressed and I am torn between two decisions:

1. get torn over the problems with myself and continue high school, without any delays and get that diploma.
2. stop high school when I am 18, begin fixing myself with professional help and then look what is the best thing to do, find another study course or start working.

Please, if anyone feels like helping me, please suggest something to broaden my options!

Thank you very much

[winter4me]

I think you should hang in there for the diploma if you can. I would guess it could be a good thing to have if you decide you want to work, or decide you need more training/education for what you decide you can and want to do. Do you have a school counselor that you can talk to who might be able to teach you ways to reduce the distress you are feeling? The dog grooming may or may not work out for you, but I don't think you have anything to lose by trying. It may just not be the right place (meaning the way people work/train/interact) for you, but maybe others are also stressed and when they seem harsh to you because they are also a bit overwhelmed.

[soundguy]

Hello. Wow, that seems like a pretty stressful situation. I'm torn between giving you sympathy or advice.

First off, and you probably know this already, but your therapist will know you better than a bunch of strangers on a website, so please take their word over ours. Have you described to them your stressful school situation? They won't be able to give you all the answers but they may be able to teach you some techniques for dealing with stress and staying calm.

It sounds like you're very intelligent because you did well at school. People who are intelligent and have aspergers often clash with authority figures - it may be something you have to deal with throughout your life. You think differently to most people, and they will struggle with that. It's not your fault, or their fault, it just is. Difference is you know it and they don't, so in a way you have the advantage. They might never learn how to deal with you, but can you learn how to deal with them?

Dog grooming sounds like it could be a good career for you because you enjoyed it when you first tried it. People with aspergers often get on very well with animals. It strikes me that if you really want to to be a dog groomer then you might not need a qualification to do that. Probably experience is more important than qualifications and you have some experience. The main thing would be to focus on learning how to do the job as well as possible. That will take time and effort, but you are still young and have plenty of time to learn.

Ok lThe end of school kinda forces you to make decisions, just remember that in the grand scheme of things you're still young and you have time to figure things out.

All the best