I don't know what it is, but I feel that I have a number of character flaws that will not serve me to become the best individual I can be. I need to find some clarity on what these are but at the same time I do not want to overanalyze and complicate what is going in upstairs. I have done this numerous times in the past but to no avail. If I carry on doing what I have been doing, (overanalyzing on paper) it simply won't work. The reason being is that when I attempt to investigate what is happening, one question leads to another and vice versa. So then, my mind contains an endless labyrinth of questions.

I'm a 24 year old male and I've been diagnosed with "Autism" and/or "Asperger's Syndrome". It's been a label that's been stamped on my personality - it's something I know I have, but never been clear exactly on what it is. When I was younger, certain "aspie" traits and tendencies were more evident as a child. Which raises a the question: Have these evolved into other "aspie" traits and behaviours I'm not consciously aware of? As I said earlier, Asperger's is something I know I have but unable to clearly and consciously identify any character traits associated with the condition.
Another thing from my understand is that Asperger's is a "spectrum condition". This boils down to the notion that everyone with Asperger's is different.

Each individual on the spectrum has different character traits and tendencies that affect AS individuals in varying degrees. Maybe it's becomes of the fact AS is a spectrum condition that it's difficult see where my mind is. I would LOVE to explore the depths and mysteries of my brain. I would like to unravel everything that's in my brain into a story that explains EXACTLY why I am in this moment and only this moment.

One thing has crossed my mind as of late: am I in denial of my true self? As I have grown up, I've never been able to identify with myself. Who am I? I've speculated, wrote, illustrated, and spoke aloud to myself on so many occasions trying to figure out what's going on inside my brain. It's as if I have a case of serious brain fog - I lack clarity over any thoughts and beliefs. I've been going through life trying to make sense of all the nuts and bolts yet I've hardly taken Asperger's into consideration. It's as if I have I don't even have a diagnosis so to speak; and no knowledge of Asperger's. The weird thing is, I know that I have it.

I'm unable to look at myself from the outside-in; and because of that I find it hard to identify with myself. I cannot pinpoint the mental equivalents of my day to day behaviours in life. What I mean is, I cannot see how is Asperger's influencing my behaviours. It is not plain for me to see! I would like to be honest with myself - in every way I can find possible. I would like to get to know and acknowledge my strengths and weakness, as well a weird character traits. By doing so I can learn to be happy and comfortable in my own skin. Let's say I've acknowledged low self esteem, I can be honest and open about it.

I find it difficult to pinpoint examples when I speculate negative character traits. I find it useless trying to communicate verbally why I'm not a very good person because I'm always rebutted with things of why I'm a good person. Truth to be told, I'm really not a good person.
Being diagnosed on the spectrum means that I've been entitled with certain privileges. I am now living independently however my social worker almost single handedly got me the house I am living in now; as well as collaborating with others to ensure I get where I am today in regards to living arrangements. The point is, If I hadn't been diagnosed on the spectrum, I would not have had this privilege and therefore would have to find other methods of independent living. If I hadn't gone down this road, what other options are there?

I have never worked hard to secure this house, nor have I ever truly pulled my own weight to secure the position I am in now. In life I am always feeling unsatisfied, but I don't understand how I can be at times due to the fact that people have to pay a lot more rent than I do, and some have trouble with landlords and for the most part struggle to get by because of this. There are people who are far worse off than me who have much better character than I do and for that I should be truly ashamed. Maybe if I swapped positions with someone who is far worse off, only then maybe can I learn to cultivate gratitude. This house has been handed to me on a plate yet I'm still unsatisfied - HOW EVEN!?

HERE ARE A LIST OF PRIVILEGES I'VE HAD IN THE PAST (ALMOST ALL WASTED)

⦁ Assertiveness Training - I gained some good info, HOWEVER I NEVER APPLIED ANY TEACHINGS!

⦁ Mindfulness Therapy - (Wasted due to my irresponsibility) AND IT WAS ALL BEING PAID FOR. THAT'S RIGHT, SOMEONE WAS PAYING FOR THERAPY SESSIONS THAT TURNED OUT TO BE USELESS DUE TO MY INABILITY TO MAKE USE OF THE THERAPY!

⦁ Occupational Therapy - Non existent. I never knew what I wanted, the same story as with the mindfulness therapy. I was turning up to every session with no aims, just mindless talking. Again money wasted, someone else could have got these sessions funded. Spoiled privileges once more going to waste.

HOW AM I STILL IN THIS SAME LIMITING MINDSET AFTER ALL THAT'S HAPPENED! OTHER PEOPLE COULD HAVE DONE WITH THESE THERAPY SESSIONS AND MAY HAVE BEEN HELPFUL BUT OH NO, I HAD TO OCCUPY A SPOT AND WASTE PEOPLE'S TIME!

When I attended the Job Centre, I hardly looked for a job and didn't get penalised for it once. So I claimed JSA for no real reason. I was given free money which I spent irresponsibly, in exchange for non-existent job searching. That's hardly a positive reflection on my character; more especially since I was meant to be jobseeking. For that I am privileged due to the fact I'm given free money whilst others have been penalised for attempting their best efforts to make ends meet. I would say these people have better character than me because they've tried. I didn't.

Would it be reasonable in suggesting the withdrawal or reduction in welfare is a good thing? I've claimed enough welfare already; if I were to combine all the money I've ever claimed, a huge percentage of it has been WASTED. It would have been better if I wasted money that I have worked for, but that's not the case for me. The amount of things I have wasted in the past expresses a lifestyle of what a millionaire could afford to spend money on. As well as this, the fact I have been entitled to these benefits and any welfare has discouraged the incentive to work harder for extra income.
Why work harder if I can get free money? And because I have claimed welfare many times in the best, why shouldn't I be given automatic rights to it?

So if welfare was withdrawn or at best reduced, would it be a good thing since it will undo the mentality of entitlement, and that withdrawal of welfare enables me to recognise and apply positive values that develop hard work, determination, responsibility etc. Maybe this would instill ideas that will help me in life such as if you want to get somewhere in life, you need to work hard to do so. I am intellectually capable of doing this, so in a sense why am I claiming welfare if I am intellectually and physically capable of generating other streams of income??

In a way I need to learn that I can't get everything I want just for the sake of being me; I need to be told no. Like stopping a child from being spoiled so to speak. I mean I take, take take and never give back. I never offer anyone cakes, biscuits or anything and I take Joe's food if I have chance when I'm hungry. On the subject of my housemate, I feel like I take him for granted. After living with him for ages I get fed up him after a while. He thinks the world about me and appreciates my presence, yet I find it hard to do the same.

Maybe it is a good idea to start talking to people on a level where I am just getting to know someone; that way I don't come across as bizarre and/or obnoxious as I commonly do when I get to know people after a fair while. It also means that I do not get used to people for so long that I feel like I can always get my own way with them? What I mean is if I treat people as I do when I first get to know them, I do not take anyone for granted.
I do not feel like I have accomplished anything in life. In primary and secondary school at the best of times I misbehaved and/or didn't get enough support in class with anything I didn't understand.

Therefore, I didn't learn any of the common / general knowledge that everyone is expected to know, this includes most if not all the primary and secondary school curriculums. This applies to all core school subjects i.e. Maths, English, Science etc. One example of this in particular was Maths. I didn't learn how to divide until 2015. That is quite shameful to be honest, how being unable to understand and learn the most obvious things are brought into adulthood. (That should have been learned in childhood). (I'll talk more about that later)

Another obvious example is where you don't handle electrical equipment near water. Now that is something where you simply "should know". This is an exaggeration, but it makes sense. The point I am making is that this is the case with a great many examples. I know that this is something I should just know, but there are lots of other common, well known, generic, universal knowledge that I should know but I don't. It is embarrassing because most children know more than me!

When I have been to my Grans house, on several occasions my Uncle has made remarks about young people lacking general knowledge and common sense. He is right, because I am one of them. I start nodding and agreeing with his statements because I do not want to be exposed for my own lack of knowledge as I do not want to be seen as dumb and stupid. In the past he has called me these things but since then he has forgotten that he has done so I play along with his remarks. However these still have an affect on me to this day and therefore I do feel like I go through primary school subjects and progress upwards to brush up my education. Maybe this is fate telling me that I need to work on these things to be a rounded individual? Because I don't know anything about the world, it's a good opportunity to do so.

For the record though, I do not wish to pursue college or "further education". The reason for this is that I did college courses in total from 2009-2016. None of which were useful in the slightest. I did the following: Horticulture, IT "Software Development" (far from it), as well as Maths and English. Oh and to top it all off, a bunch of other certificates have no CV (resume) value. All in all, I wasted much of my education. Mainly because I gained no practical experience that's useful for the real world. I'll give myself some credit though, when I did Maths from 2015, it was the pathway to understanding the subject. Thank goodness I had a certain tutor that was fluent in his understanding.

If I were to return to full time education, I would be stopping myself from gaining real world experience by working. I don't want to end up going to college studying all the way through my twenties with little work experience under my belt. I currently have a part time job; it's not the best however in the circumstances I have now as well as a voluntary position every Thursday at a youth hostel it works. If I keep at these circumstances a bit longer for the time being and when I've gained some more confidence in myself etc I could pack in my job and leave.

However because I don't know my true self, I cannot look at myself objectively and work out what I should focus on first..

[Skeezyks]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Wanderer.

[newday2020]

I was thinking it is good you're getting some work experience.