[fernan]

A year ago I killed my pet (a smaller animal, not talking about a dog, cat or a bunny etc...) and have been feeling terribly unwell since then, I dropped out of university. I then bought a new pet and they made younglings, 3, one of them got scared by a seagull or something and decided to flee from a small opening. Not sure how. I have been feeling even worse since then.

It is my sadistic tendencies that caused me to kill my previous pet. I still have those sadistic feelings sometimes although they are largely diminished because of what I did to my pet. I don't know how to live like this. This is simply too much for me.

I have Autism, mild social phobia and PTSD. I feel even worse when I go to school since my mental illness persists there due to the social environment. This might cause my sadism to grow even stronger, posing a risk to those around me. I haven't gotten to the point where I hurt my other pets, but I'm afrain I might over time.

My childhood has been riddled with mental abuse and social isolation, possibly explaining my current condition. I'm not using my childhood as an excuse for my actions, but it might be directly tied to my sadism.

What should I do? DO NOT TELL ME TO SEEK PSYCHIATRIC HELP. I have done this desperately for over 1 year and they refuse to help me. No matter how much of my dark secrets I share, they refuse to make me a higher priorty thus I never get the help I need. I keep getting sent here and there between appointments, not getting treatments.

My sadistic feelings have diminished by about 60% since a year ago, it still exists but it's weaker and not enough for me to kill anyone. I still feel like a monster, I have confessed about this and people started calling me crazy, deserving to die, and a social exile. I feel very unwell, can someone please give me suggesstions? I want to live a good, stable life without sadism involved. Without social phobial and PTSD.

[Anonymous37919]

I've tormented animals or kicked my family's dog when I've had an "off day" myself, but I've never considered killing animals, no matter how small they may be. There could be huge legal ramifications for doing so. It sounds like you have anger issues and took out your frustration on an innocent living thing, which resulted in its demise. If any animal welfare officers knew about what happened, you could have been prosecuted. Have you ever spoken to doctors about a better way to address your anger?

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by fernan

A year ago I killed my pet...

In anger or to feel powerful or actually for pleasure? Sadism amounts to inflicting pain for personal pleasure, and the remorse you are expressing would seem to me to be inconsistent with sadism.

I once shot a sparrow with my BB gun while trying to prove myself to myself as some kind of accomplished predator or skilled hunter, but then I immediately regretted what I had done and began trying to justify it by dissecting the bird as if the entire incident had been some kind of science project.

What have the psychiatrists ever said about your labeling yourself sadistic?

[fernan]

Originally Posted by leejosepho

In anger or to feel powerful or actually for pleasure? Sadism amounts to inflicting pain for personal pleasure, and the remorse you are expressing would seem to me to be inconsistent with sadism.

I once shot a sparrow with my BB gun while trying to prove myself to myself as some kind of accomplished predator or skilled hunter, but then I immediately regretted what I had done and began trying to justify it by dissecting the bird as if the entire incident had been some kind of science project.

What have the psychiatrists ever said about your labeling yourself sadistic?

They said nothing. I haven't been offered help after 1 years of search.

[fernan]

Originally Posted by Peter A

I've tormented animals or kicked my family's dog when I've had an "off day" myself, but I've never considered killing animals, no matter how small they may be. There could be huge legal ramifications for doing so. It sounds like you have anger issues and took out your frustration on an innocent living thing, which resulted in its demise. If any animal welfare officers knew about what happened, you could have been prosecuted. Have you ever spoken to doctors about a better way to address your anger?

Nothing. Haven't been offered help even after I confessed all of this. I'm maybe not sadistic but that doesnt excuse what I did. i feel terrible and should be put down.