[cryingontheinside]

My daughter is 16 and she has Aspergers . I have mental health problems and because of that she lives with her dad and unfortunately she lives in another city . I don't get to see her as much as I want to but we text and talk through whatsapp and I send her presents/ gifts when I can afford it .
We have quite a good relationship but I want it to be better . I can't seem to talk to her on a deep level . I know we love each other but I want us to be closer . any tips or ideas how I can do this and really get her attention?
Also I've wanted to say sorry to her for a long time . when she was younger I was very unwell mentally plus I was drinking way too much as I had no support or help . because of that I wasn't a good mum all the time or at least I made a lot of mistakes . she never seems angry at me about the past, would it be a good idea to try and talk to her about it or not ? Thanks for reading this . I hope you didn't mind me posting this here .

[Terabithia]

Have you learned all there is to know about aspergers? I’m just wondering if using that knowledge might make it easier for you to find ways to be closer to her.

[cryingontheinside]

I'm really bad at researching even about my own mental health but yeah that's one thing I can work on. Thanks for that advice

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Sounds like she's just being a teenager. As long as she has friends of her own, I wouldn't worry about a lack of 'deep' conversations. It can be embarrassing when parents try to do this.

I do think it would be good for you as well as her if you could say sorry for the past.

It's probably best to keep it light, just a quick mention when you're out shopping for clothes or have just watched a moving film about families / mothers and daughters, mentioning that you could have been a better mother, or something simple like that.

If she starts to squirm, stop!

Parents hardly ever say sorry, and I would really respect any parent who manages it.

You'll be careful, I'm sure, not to put anything onto her regarding having to 'forgive' you or console you (that's not her job).

You both sound lovely, and I hope it works out for you.

[cryingontheinside]

Originally Posted by Purple,Violet,Blue

Sounds like she's just being a teenager. As long as she has friends of her own, I wouldn't worry about a lack of 'deep' conversations. It can be embarrassing when parents try to do this.

I do think it would be good for you as well as her if you could say sorry for the past.

It's probably best to keep it light, just a quick mention when you're out shopping for clothes or have just watched a moving film about families / mothers and daughters, mentioning that you could have been a better mother, or something simple like that.

If she starts to squirm, stop!

Parents hardly ever say sorry, and I would really respect any parent who manages it.

You'll be careful, I'm sure, not to put anything onto her regarding having to 'forgive' you or console you (that's not her job).

You both sound lovely, and I hope it works out for you.

Thank you . I will definitely take that advice

[Shazerac]

Staying close with even a "normal" teenage daughter is no easy task. She is at the age where teenagers begin the detachment process for their parents. It sounds like you have pretty good communication with her so far.

There's an interesting movie about an autistic woman named Temple Grandin. It really gives insight into the mind of an autistic or aspergers person.

Good luck to you and keep reaching out to your daughter.

[cryingontheinside]

That's great . I will try to see if I can get that movie, I would find that easier than trying to research too much , that's something I find hard to focus on with my mental health but a movie I can do .

[Shazerac]

The movie is called Temple Grandin. I think it's available on Netflix. She also wrote a book called the Autistic Brain.

Originally Posted by cryingontheinside

My daughter is 16 and she has Aspergers . I have mental health problems and because of that she lives with her dad and unfortunately she lives in another city . I don't get to see her as much as I want to but we text and talk through whatsapp and I send her presents/ gifts when I can afford it .
We have quite a good relationship but I want it to be better . I can't seem to talk to her on a deep level . I know we love each other but I want us to be closer . any tips or ideas how I can do this and really get her attention?
Also I've wanted to say sorry to her for a long time . when she was younger I was very unwell mentally plus I was drinking way too much as I had no support or help . because of that I wasn't a good mum all the time or at least I made a lot of mistakes . she never seems angry at me about the past, would it be a good idea to try and talk to her about it or not ? Thanks for reading this . I hope you didn't mind me posting this here .

This isn't what you are going to want to hear, but this is what I've experienced. My daughter started telling me when she was eighteen (and continues to tell me to this day - age 28), we don't visit our parents much, maybe twice a year. And we don't talk to our parents much either, phone, email, text, nothing. She said that was "normal" for today. None of her friends talk to their parents very much. I didn't actually believe it, but I accepted it and quit trying to be close to her (like we were when she was ten). This isn't very encouraging is it?

My son was very different. He would drop by to visit us at least once a week, even though it was a 40 minute drive. And he'd hang around. He didn't talk much, but he was there. He was 21. Today, he's 27 and he texts me at least every few days and we Skype and talk on the phone about once a month.

Sixteen is a very difficult age. It's hormonal, insecurities, awkwardness, irrationality. And that's for someone without aspergers. I think she has to drive this boat you want to get into with her and unfortunately, you might have to wait for her to want what you want.

I've accepted I'm never going to be close to my daughter again, because I believe that's what's in the cards for me. She's made it clear she thinks it's normal to have a minimalist relationship. I'm okay with it. But I wasn't okay with it for about five years. Not being okay with it just makes it worse. You can't make someone have a close relationship. I think you just have to see it as being what it can be "right now." Maybe, it will become closer in the future, when she's ready.