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Default May 21, 2021 at 01:35 AM
  #1
A large majority of my life has been spent trying to fit in and make friends. I’ve been fortunate where I’ve had at least 1 friend throughout life. But they always end up leaving. My school years were spent school hopping because I couldn’t fit in anywhere. I find when I hide myself and be as plain as possible and shy I’m well liked. But then I guess my personality shows through and people have often times made me a social outcast.

Currently I have some people who are somewhat friends, but it’s come to a point where I actually prefer to be alone come the day I have plans with those friends. I crave having friends yet at the same time I’d rather be home in bed. COVID never really affected me cause I already lived a life of loneliness to a large degree and not interacting with people so much was actually nice for me.

Part of me obviously feels sad that I’m such a social awkward person. When I do make new friends I always worry that they’ll think I’m weird or something negative. Many times I find that I’m the glue for the friendship or were only hanging out cause of my constant effort. Many times I’ve put in less effort to find that I was the reason we hung out cause the other person doesn’t find it worth the effort. In the past year and a half I’ve seen my group do 4 friends 7+ year friends dwindle down to 1 and it makes me sad. I have made a serious effort in the last year to make new friends and I have made a couple somewhat friends who I hangout with on occasion. I just fear that this isn’t anything that will actually last or they’ll lose interest like so many seem to do (to be fair, sometimes I show a lack of interest as well).

I just feel so worn out trying so hard for people to like me, for me to have friends, like I feel like I’ll never really be the type who has more than 1-2 or so friends. Like no one really sees me as their best friend ive always been made to feel second fiddle to whomever.

Back in HS I thought wow I can’t wait till I’m 25 life will be so different and I’m 25ish and life is the same as HS when I would be alone in my room watching tv sad. Except over time that sadness has turned less sad and more into “Ok. Well this isn’t that bad.”

Anyone relate? What’s your experience with loneliness? Comments, thoughts etc? Have you come to become like me where the loneliness has become “eh whatever. It’s not that bad actually”, like it has for me?

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Default May 21, 2021 at 02:28 AM
  #2
I could have written a lot of your post, to be honest. I don’t see it as ‘loneliness’, because that implies you feel alone when you’d rather not be - it’s more being comfortable with your own company, or enjoying solitude.
It used to be like a taboo to say I didn’t really need friends (because there’s always one person who doesn’t get it and criticises) but aside from choosing ‘quality’ over quantity (people who’s values align with yours etc), it’s ok to not be a social butterfly if that genuinely isn’t who you are - everyone has different social needs, and these needs aren’t totally static either. As long as you’re not isolating out of social fear (which it doesn’t sound like you are), then it’s fine.
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Default May 21, 2021 at 12:59 PM
  #3
i can relate at least partly to your post. i agree with the wise and wonderful RoxanneToto that everyone has its own needs even in terms of Friendships so i wouldn't feel guilty about that. i personally don't have many friends IRL, only one i think. i am fine with being by myself and i have met some interesting people online, more that IRL i think. Just try to Stay with the people that you like and that treat you with Respect. Treat them with Respect as Well of Course. Sorry for the spamming too. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @HelloWorld18, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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Default May 21, 2021 at 03:39 PM
  #4
I think what I am feeling is missing that structure and routine. That I had from the prepandemic. I miss working and seeing my coworkers. But I don’t get particularly lonely. This is super odd and probably unhealthy but if I turn on Drag Race or America’s Next Top Model I feel like I kinda am getting social interaction and company from the contestants.

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Default May 23, 2021 at 12:48 AM
  #5
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mountaindewed View Post
I think what I am feeling is missing that structure and routine. That I had from the prepandemic. I miss working and seeing my coworkers. But I don’t get particularly lonely. This is super odd and probably unhealthy but if I turn on Drag Race or America’s Next Top Model I feel like I kinda am getting social interaction and company from the contestants.
I get comfort in tv and watching it and I agree it’s like I’m not alone in a sense.

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Default May 23, 2021 at 10:35 PM
  #6
I had times when I was very lonely and wished someone would do something fun I liked to do with me. It was often hard to feel like I was just being tolerated instead of being wanted.
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Default May 26, 2021 at 05:10 PM
  #7
I get lonely when there are things I want to go do that are better with other people, like bowling/sports, watching a movie, eating out, doing an activity. Just hanging out and talking though...ugh.... loneliness cured.
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Default Jun 03, 2021 at 10:26 AM
  #8
It seems having trouble socially means giving up on fun. Unless they accepted me instead of tolerating me, it still wouldn't be fun anyway.
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Default Jun 11, 2021 at 10:12 AM
  #9
Besides, the luckiest autistics have a lot of fun in life and most of them don't enjoy it all that much. That's how I see it. It makes you feel worthless when people make fun of your mannerisms, your speech, and your moods. I've gotten to the point I don't give a damn. I'm serious. Some people get so damn lucky that they're not living with this curse. laughs. I always felt I wanted to someone to take out this nasty gene that causes all the trouble and make me more positive and social. laughs.
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Default Jun 11, 2021 at 10:30 AM
  #10
Part of me feels I should been a real albino with hardly any coloring to eyes and extremely light hair. I'm serious. Sure I was so pale when I was younger and all. I should have had albinism on top of autism. Then I wouldn't care as much as you see. I've seen these people and part of me thinks they are very pretty. Then they would have focused on my albinism and would have to had to shelter me a little bit and all. I think my family would have cared more if I was an actual albino. I'm sure of it. laughs.
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Default Jun 11, 2021 at 10:32 AM
  #11
Just thought I would put that out there. That's all. I would have had to have been shipped to another country or colder climate instead of having to stay in the area I was born in see?
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Frown Aug 22, 2021 at 02:30 AM
  #12
I have Autism with Selective Mutism and Severe Social Anxiety.

In my younger years I had a hearing loss due to another medical issue and was taught signing and lip-reading/body language.

I think the structured way this was taught to me due to the sudden hearing loss really helped as what we didn't realise was that I had an Auditory processing disorder. Seems it was unheard of in the 70's as was autism in girls!


Anyway the point of mentioning that was it helped me in my social skills at that time of life.

Fast forward 30 + years and life has changed alot for me.

I had depression due to a bereavement so due to this didn't relaise I was entering peri-menopause which seemed to exaggerate some of my autistic behaviours again.

I became very avoidant and much preferred to be alone.I was getting to the point I had one friend and I resented her. I felt I could not relate to her at all anymore as she was part of a world I felt I no longer fit in. (as I'd discovered by this time that I wasn't 'deaf' as such but had an auditory processing disorder due to the autism which is why I can't recognise sounds even when I can hear them and struggle making sense of speech).

tbh I was relieved when lockdown first arrived and had told 'the friend' that I would be in the CEV before I'd even been confirmed as vulnerable. I thought I'd get a couple of months break but of course the longer it has gone on,the less motivated I have felt to engage socially and the PM making me really avoidant seems to have also re-triggered the SM element of things.


I haven't spoken to 'the friend' in months not even by texts. I thanked her for sending me a birthday card a couple of months ago but didn't receive a reply. I think its considered to have gone 'past the point of awkward' now.

I'm not sure if she's waiting for me to contact her as every conversation was leading to her wanting to meet up even after I'd said I wouldn't survive getting covid so I'd stopped answering texts.


I figured I'd make new friends in my own time when things could go back to normal for me...join an art class or something,if anyone asked about 'my friends' I'd just say they died of covid! ...as so many others have lost several friends and family this won't be considered unusual in these times!


But feeling I prefer my own company and finding having to speak and face to face communication (with anyone other than a select few) harder and harder as this all drags out!!!
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Default Sep 18, 2021 at 01:54 PM
  #13
I went on a trip with my best friend weeks ago and this completely clicked, I felt like she was just tolerating me the whole time. There were times that it was so blatantly noticeable for me, that I was almost holding back tears.

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Default Oct 06, 2021 at 02:13 PM
  #14
Solitude isn't at all like loneliness. Solitude can be great

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