[modestlychee6463]

It seems like to me that I'll never date let alone drive to various places and it seems like i'll never really feel close to anybody or find that sense of cameraderie. I'm starting to feel rather hopeless about the future. It seems like the only thing that has made me smile is the fact I had a dream that my body was lifeless and it wasn't old. I don't know. It seems like a comfort that I'll 'go' sometime. Maybe that's the only time I would get rid of the pain. There's a real sadness there that i'm surprised that any dream I had ever came true at all. I was a very unlikely candidate for the cheer squad so of course I wasn't picked. Then I asked mother for dance classes and she said she couldn't afford it and wanted to teach me at home. It was like my dream died. My dream of a driver's license died too. I don't see what the point of anything is. Part of me regrets I had this girlish dream of dancing on a squad. I should have known it wouldn't come true. So I forgot about it. Well it came back with a vengeance today because i was mired in sadness. I hope God brings me the peace I'm looking for. It seems like that's one of the only hopes I have now.

[Yaowen]

Dear modestlychee6463,

I am so terribly sorry that you are suffering. You have been through so much misfortune. It is really heartbreaking. I wish I knew what to say that would help ease your pain and grief. My English is not very good and it is difficult for me to communicate. I do want to say that my heart goes out to you. You deserve so much more and so much better from life!

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

[modestlychee6463]

Thanks for your kind words and support., Yaowen. I needed that right now. Now I'm starting to feel rather numb like I can't feel much of anything but emptiness. Maybe sometimes God can bring me out of this pit but I'll have to wait like hecketh. Part of me wants to force this faith you know.

[modestlychee6463]

I wish smiling and laughing came easier to me though. I noticed when i was mired in sadness that an 80s song, 'everlasting love' by howard jones was starting to play in my mind if you or someone else here has ever heard of that song. I'm fine if I don't have expectations. It's when I do is when I don't feel fine. It'd be a wonderful thing if i didn't have to wait too many years for my spirit to be released from the pain though.

[modestlychee6463]

Anyway, I started to feel like I wasted my young years, teens to twenties in this manner. You don't get your youth back is the problem.

[zapatoes]

But still 40 is the new 30 since 50 is the new 30 or 40.?? Still don’t give up and let the past discourage you from still trying to socialize or trying to get out there and have fun. Even if that’s going for a hike outside with a meetup group and maybe check into groups for persons with autism. It is more difficult now to socialize, agree with that and it was nice to be mask free for a short time.

[modestlychee6463]

It's not to say I'm giving up. It's just that I might not have as energy and I might have to rest more often than I did.