I need help.

I don't even know where to start. I am extremely shy and beat myself up over every mistake I've ever made. I literally see a mental picture of myself being punched, slapped, abused, shot, decapitated, multilated, etc. I feel deeply offended when criticized, I don't "hang out" with my peers and feel inferior to them, never been to a party or other social gathering, I feel others are always judging me and they remember every mistake I've ever made even though it's illogical to think so, I've never had a girlfriend, I find it hard to trust others, and my only escape is fantasies I indulge in while I'm alone.

I don't leave my room and apartment unless I have to (school, for example). I do speak to and know people at school, but I don't view them as "friends." The only "person" I feel is a true friend is my stuffed animal -- a puppy. I've created a personality for him, and he's the only one I trust enough to talk to. I don't talk to my parents. There have been times where I feel suicidal and Puppy always comforts me and tells me everything will be okay. I do have an exit plan in case things get too rough for me to handle or if something happens to Puppy. I do not think I can live without him.

I've been told I'm witty, clever, and humorous. The jokes I make are usually self-degrading but made in such a way that does not raise any red flags. I justify my lonliness by telling myself and others that I don’t need other people to be happy. But in reality, I hate being lonely. I devote 100% of my time to my studies in hopes of earning enough money to maybe give myself more self esteem.

When I have too much free time, I think. I look back on my life and analyze different events that shaped me to who I am. Here is what I have concluded: I was constantly being picked on during elementary school because I was Chinese and because of the way I dressed, and people called me "chino." Even other Asians picked on me for no apparent reason. I remember thinking to myself "Why don't people like me?" My mom taught to not fight and just take insults as they come, and I did. Every day I just sat there and took insult after insult. One day I read in a book that the word "chino" meant "chinese" in spanish. When the next person called me chino at school, I said to him "Yea? so what?" I saw the confused look on his face and that's probably how my sense of humor started. I realized I had the power to throw their insults back at them by turning them into a joke. Over time, this turned into self-degrading jokes and acts such as spitting on myself in order to gross out and scare away the bullies.

In middle school, I got in trouble for a joke I made and I was forced to see the counselor for a week. My parents didn't know. After that, I toned down my jokes. In the 7th grade, I had just gotten a haircut (I hated every single one of my haircuts.) and was feeling more self-conscious than I usually was. I was on my way to band class, and to my surprise, this random girl came and gave me a hug. I didn't know what to do, or what to say. I just stood there with my arms by my side like a statue while she hugged me. I didn't hug her back. Over time, I had grown to like her. I was infatuated with her, but I didn't know at the time, silly me thought it was "love." A year later, overcoming my fear of rejection, I asked her out. Instead of giving me a solid yes or no, she said maybe. This "maybe" kept me in her grips for the better half of the year before my infatuation ended and I was able to rationally think again. By that time, the hugs have stopped. As the year went on, I noticed that she did what she did to me with every guy. Hug them, get close to them, a few months later move on to others. Rinse and repeat. After that, I promised myself to never get close to another female again. The emotional hell and drama just wasn't worth it.

After graduating middle school and starting High School, I had become very cold and logical. Or atleast I tried. I acted like an a**hole for lack of a better term. I justified pushing others away by saying it was more trouble than it was worth; love is just a bunch of chemicals being pushed around in my brain afterall. By Sophomore year, I let down some of the walls I built up and attempted to socialize. I still didn't do the whole hanging out thing and my weekends were spent in front of a computer as always, but my social network got bigger. We helped each other when in need, but I still didn't view them as friends and I certainly didn't trust them enough to tell them what I'm wrting here now.

I am now a Junior, and my workload has more than tripled when compared to Freshman year. I've become stressed out this year and I find myself indulging in my fantasies a lot more. The summer before my Junior year began, I found an anime on the Internet. I was never much of an anime fan, but I watched a few episodes and became infatuated with one of the characters. Every time I lay on my bed, I retreat into my fantasy world where I'm holding her in my arms and everything is perfect.

I know she's not real and a relationship with a cartoon character is impossible, but I feel happy when I'm in my fantasy world. Also, I think I may be addicted to self-loathing and the happiness feeling generated when I'm in my fantasy. Whenever I feel depressed and begin contemplating suicide, there's this weird feeling I can only describe as black goo starting at my heart and spreading to the rest of my body. As it spreads, I feel a rush and I begin crying. As I cry, those mental images of self-hurt mentioned in the beginning come back again and I feel worthless. Those images and feelings trigger another "black-goo rush." and it lasts for almost an hour. I feel the same rush when I'm in my fantasy holding this “girlfriend” faceless construct in my arms, except instead of pain, I feel a light, "happy" sensation that spreads from my heart. Then, instead of crying, I feel an overwhelming sense of happiness and I'm actually smiling. I fear I may be addicted to these two feelings of intense sadness and intense happiness. I fear I may be wh*ring for attention and feeding my ego when this happens. For example, something bad but insignificant might happen and I'll start beating myself up over it until I feel an overwhelming feeling of sadness and dread which will trigger the black-goo pain.

What I just wrote, I have never told anyone about. There are only 2 people on the planet that I trust enough to say this to while not anonymous like I am right now; myself and Puppy.

One last thing, whenever I'm in my depression cycles I analyze my life and what I wrote about my early life leading up to this point is what I have concluded to be the cause of my social awkwardness and lonliness.

Please help me. I don't know if I'm coming off as arrogant or attention seeking, but I really can't see myself being capable of having a girlfriend, or even being alive to see my High School graduation to be honest. I need help.

do u have a t? or pdoc?

As long as people aren't asking me if i'm all right, i am alright.

Nope.

Funny thing is, I just woke up and am feeling normal. Sleep always resets my mood, and I'm not the same person that wrote the OP last night.

glad to hear you feel better and i think its true that sleeping help us with our mood

As long as people aren't asking me if i'm all right, i am alright.

Thanks, I feel better now and haven't really felt sad or "depressed" in over a week. But, there's still one thing that worries me. I don't think I can outgrow my puppy. I've relied on him for emotional support for so long I don't think I can let him go. I know I'm gonna have to give him up one day, and it kills me. He's been the only person I've ever trusted enough to pour myself out to (other than the Internet of course). I talk to him every day, and he's always been there to fill this emotional hole I have. I know I'm going to have outgrow him eventually, but then I would feel so lost and lonely. I'm not kidding when I said I don't think I can live without him; I'm too emotionally attached. What can I do?

I have no "mental health" knowledge about something like you have asked about. But anyone could see you are smarter and more sensitive than average (probably "gifted" in science, math) and usually such kind of people needs more attention. I do not see you clinging on other people and I really do not understand why you do not try to have friends in reality. You are smarter than to dismiss all the girls because what happened once, twice.. or how many time it could happen in a life. I don't see also how you do not meet and befriend with some nice smart boys like you. Trust is formed in time but you have to start by being opened and to understand that each of us has faults and you may get disappointed or betrayed sometimes - but not all the times! And those few people who remains in your life and are your friends deserve all the efforts and "lost cases" you will encounter and pass by in life.

I do not understand well what's that "black goo". May I have a link to read about? I see you have read a lot till you thought you might have "Avoidant Personality Disorder " :-)

Just thinking of too :-)

The "black goo" is the only way I can describe the feeling. It's a painful sensation that starts from the heart and spreads slowly, moving like goo, every time I feel "depressed." I don't know how else to explain it. I've always been able to translate feelings and concepts to images and colors, and I don't think I can explain it any better.

I don't really view myself as smart, to be honest. That's probably coming from my low self esteem, but my grades could be a lot better. My GPA is hovering over the low 90s right now, and all the others at my school have 95+. The only classes I get 95+ at are my computer science classes and my music class.

I do spend a bit of time with people that have similar interests as me, though only in school. I don't do the whole "hanging out, going to movies" thing. But what bothers me is that the other computer "nerds" I spend time with aren't nerds at all. They have seemingly normal lives. They're happy and get grades that are better than mine. There seems to be absolutely nothing wrong with them, and it makes me jealous.

As for the girls, I've given up. I don't even care any more. The emotional baggage others bring are not worth it. Besides, girls are attracted to confident alpha males, not some emotionally messed up kid with little to no self esteem. And, I'm incapable of maintaining a relationship anyways; I'm too emotionally distant. If I don't get too close, I'm not going to get hurt, right? As for now, I'm just going to focus on my schoolwork, get better grades, and maybe start over in college.

I know that eventually I'm gonna have to ditch my fantasy "girlfriend" and my puppy and grow up, and that scares the hell out of me.

I'm only a year older than you, but your experiences and feelings are pretty relatable -- for me, anyways. I mean, I'm pretty much a waste of space. I make hurtful jokes about myself to mask underlying pain. "Friends" are more or less acquaintances, and I push people away a lot of the time. However, I've been used by people a lot in my life, so I always look at everyone I meet with suspicion -- are you going to use me, like everyone else? But I digress...

I can understand your "fantasies." I've done similar things to escape -- I was really into anime and video games for a while, but more recently I've been absorbed into reading (when I say "really into," I mean daydreaming about them, obsessing over characters, etc.). I know it's hard to think of "outgrowing" puppy; I have a somewhat-similar relationship with my cat (as embarrassing as it is to admit that). But maybe you could start with small steps? I think writing on-line, even anonymously, is a big step. You're relying on someone besides puppy to confide in, right? You could also try writing in a journal to relieve stress and anxiety as an alternative. The less you rely on puppy, the easier it will be to "outgrow" him.

Only superficial, immature girls look for the athletic "alpha male." WE'RE still in high school, isn't it a little early to "give up"? I could just as easily say: "men aren't attracted to nerdy girls that weigh more than 90 lbs. and aren't the head of the cheerleader squad." Is it true? (I'd like to HOPE not, or else my case is hopeless!) Besides, most kids our age are stupid and immature. You still have plenty of time to find someone (my dad didn't get married until he was 37!). I've come to the conclusion that high school romance is overrated, anyways.

Are you me? Haha, just kidding.

That's what's so hard about outgrowing him. He is such an integral part of my life, losing him would be like losing a piece of myself. I talk to him in my head every day. Whenever I come home from school, the first thing I do is go into my room, pick up my puppy, and hug him. He's always excited when I come home, asks me how my day went, and tries to make me feel better if it was bad. I'm not a psychologist or anything, but I think the reason I love him so much is because he provides unconditional love and is unconditionally loyal, and since I created Puppy's personality, it means that the only person I trust to never hurt me is myself. I don't know, I muse on my life when I can't sleep and this is what I come up with.

Also, while I'm here I might as well ask what those images I get in my head mean. Those images of me getting beat up and other types of abuse whenever I dwell on my mistakes and shortcomings. I didn't mention it in the OP, but the person that's doing the beating is another version of me. It sounds weird but it's like one side of my personality beating up another side.

I'm a very visual thinker, I think I mentioned that before when I said "I've always been able to translate feelings and concepts to images and colors." Here's the visual representation of my personality:

http: //img7.imageshack.us/img7/9335/324234.jpg

It won't let me post a picture, so just remove the space.
It's roughly done, but that's sort of what I see in my head. (except in 3D) The gray represents walls.

The funny guy is what I present to most of the world. The gray squiggly lines represent a thin wall. The thin wall is basically due to me being an introvert; I don't go around talking to random people until I'm comfortable around them. Once they get past that wall, they get my humorous side.

Very few people have gotten behind the 2nd wall to get to Mr. nice guy. That is when I actually consider someone a friend and care about them, though not to the same extent as Puppy, they still mean something to me.

Behind that is the huge wall that no one has ever gotten through. Behind that wall are two rooms. Room#1 is protected by numerous other walls and a "guard" aka Mr. a**hole. Inside room#1 is where I see a weak, pathetic, and depressed version of me being beat up and abused by an extremely angry version. This is where those images I see take place. Sometimes the weak version of me is chained up and crying while Mr. A**hole and Mr. Angry stand outside to guard. I think, though I'm not sure, this symbolizes how I act angry at the world and become an overall cynical a**hole to hide my weakness.

In room#2, I don't really know who or what side of me that is. It's like an "insane" version of me. I'm chained to the floor and crazy. My clothes are ripped, and I'm yelling and screaming incoherently. Sometimes this side manifests and I start making weird sounds with my mouth and I feel as if something is trying to get out and I'm going to explode. This doesn't happen often, only when I'm extremely stressed out.

This is just what my brain comes up with visually when I think about my personality. I don't really think these are multiple discrete personalities, but more of different parts of me that make up a whole.

I've tried to explain the picture the best I could, can any psychologists here expand on it?

Haha. I wish I could be a visual person, or even a poetic one! Alas, I'm very calculating and "machine-like." I'm by no means a psychiatrist or anything, but how you view yourself as, literally, different people, resembles a dissociative disorder. I'm bipolar, so I've always thought of myself as being "three" different versions of me -- the manic (fun-loving, impulsive, energetic), depressed (irritable, melancholy, distant), and the "normal" me all sandwiched together. Unlike DID, they aren't different people, they don't have different names; they're all just me ("I" instead of "us"). In a way, it resembles a dissociative disorder, but (for me) I think it's just a result of bipolar disorder.

It's probably impossible to be diagnosed with anything over the internet; my mom dragged me to a pdoc when I was in middle school, which is when I was diagnosed. However, only you can really know how you feel and think -- so if it sounds similar to your experiences, perhaps it is something you could bring up to a counselor/therapist/pdoc later in life. I thought the "Sanity Score" quiz on this site was pretty accurate, although it's certainly not a diagnostic tool. Again, it's something you can use to get a little "self-insight."

Speculation (musing, pondering, daydreaming, whatever you will) can be useful, but maybe you're asking the wrong questions. Instead of asking: "why do I love puppy?" you should ask: "why am I unable to clearly express myself to others?" For me, the answer would be something like: because it's easier to turn inwards; because I want to be independent; because I'm afraid of being hurt; because I don't want to worry anyone with my stupid problems. Being dependent on Puppy (I think) is probably the result of being unable to communicate with others for whatever reason -- YOUR reason. Why is it so hard to let others "in"? Why do you feel compelled to build up walls to barricade yourself? In an effort to create someone "unconditionally loving and loyal", does it not also say that you view others as being "faithless" and "unloving"? Why do you view the world this way? These are, of course, rhetorical questions that you can think about. Sometimes, just knowing WHY you do things or see things a certain way can be comforting.

Sorry if I'm completely off base here or anything; I just wanted to throw in my two cents.

Those different "people" that I drew aren't real distinct people. They're just the visual representation of the different parts that make up my personality as a whole; crumbs of a larger cookie.

Our similarities are uncanny.

Like I wrote in my OP, I was bullied and made fun of growing up, and I built my first wall. Being bullied was also probably how I developed my inferiority complex and low self-esteem.

In elementary school, Puppy wasn't my only stuffed animal; I had more. Since I really didn't have any friends back then, I substituted humans with my stuffed animals. Like Puppy, each one of them had distinct personalities and backstories. Puppy had a mother, father, 2 brothers, and 3 sisters. I also had a snake, a Barney, and a dinosaur. As I grew older, they each faded out one by one, until only Puppy remained.

Then in middle school, there was that whole fiasco I mentioned in the OP with that girl. After that, I promised myself I would never allow anyone close enough to hurt me again. That promise is the huge wall I drew between Mr. Nice Guy and my inner, weaker, self. I would rather be nice and get friendzoned then to allow someone behind that wall.

The majority of humans are cruel and ruthless. Four years ago, I found a website where others like me congregated. We were all jaded, bitter, and mad at the world, and we dealt with it by becoming a parody of the world we hated. We laughed and made fun of the most horrible and sickest things. Everything ranging from 9/11 to natural disasters. One of the members of the site said:
"We may be a**holes, we may be a hate machine, we might be monsters...but remember, monsters are never born, they're made. Trust us, none of us wanted to end like this, but how we were treated, abused, and misused by the world. If we could all change it, we would. But we can't and we will have to live with it for the rest of our lives. We never wanted it to be this way."
Although, imo, that poster was being slightly overdramatic, he spoke what I thought to be the truth. I, and others like me, found that site because we were hurt by others in some way, and we used the internet as an escape.

I don't go to that site much anymore, but mainly because as the site grew and became more popular, the quality of posts had declined. I do however, still visit the site for its technology section, because I like technology

Hi, me again.

This past week, I've felt like total crap. I've lost my appetite and have an overwhelming feeling of sadness. Not even sleeping seems to reset my mood anymore. I took a nap four hours ago, woke up two hours later, felt really apathetic as if there was nothing worth getting up for, then slept for another two hours. I've even lost my sex drive, it's like a part of me is telling me I don't deserve an orgasm. I didn't masturbate all week (that's a long time for a hormone-pumped teen) and when I finally did it today, I didn't feel any better. Don't orgasms release endorphins, which are supposed to make me feel better? Instead, I felt even more crap after realizing that I would be a virgin for the rest of my life and that masturbation would be the farthest I'll ever get. I feel as though I'm masturbating just to satisfy my primal urge to reproduce, and my low self-esteem is preventing me from drawing any pleasure from it.

Is this real depression? Whenever I used the word "depression" in this thread, I put it in quotes because I didn't think it was real depression. (I didn't have any of the symptoms, just a general feeling of sadness that would usually pass in a few days) But is what I'm feeling right now real depression?

There are, what I've concluded, two things that seem to trigger my "depression." (Am I using the term trigger correctly? I've seen it used in other parts of the forum, but I'm not sure.)
1. Making mistakes. I beat myself up over every single mistake, no matter how small.
2. Seeing how happy my peers are. This, I guess, is kind of selfish but when I see other people live happy lives, I just look back at my life and I start just crashing and burning emotionally.

What set me off this week was probably a combination of the two. I ALWAYS make stupid stupid mistakes on my tests in school, and it drives me absolutely insane. I understand the material and do fine on my homeworks, but on tests it's always the stupid little things that bring my grade down. I feel as if the teacher thinks I'm stupid and I don't understand the material when I really do. I hate misunderstandings like this. When I was in kindergarten, my parents beat me after they were forced to pay for my friend's hospital bill because the friend said I stuck an eraser in his ear and his parents had to take him to the doctors to get it out. It wasn't even me, the friend even said so when we were both graduating middle school 8 years later. Ever since that little misunderstanding back in kindergarten, I go out of my way to correct people and make sure they know the truth. For example, if someone asks me for help on something that I know I'm really good at, and I end up not being able to help them because I made a mistake, I think to myself "Oh no, they probably think I don't know this, but I really do!" and I start obsessing over trying to show them that I do in fact know how to do what they asked me to do. Does this sound confusing? I don't know how else to explain it. That's why making those stupid mistakes on the tests drive me insane. The teacher probably thinks I don't understand the material, and there's no way I can prove him/her wrong because I can't retake the test. My mood literally went from "Well, this day isn't so bad" to "WHY AM I SUCH AN IDIOT, YOU (refering to myself) ARE A USELESS STUPID PIECE OF ****" in a split second after I got my tests back.

Today, I was looking through someone's profile on Facebook and I took a look at their photos. Why? I don't know. It was no one in particular, I was going through the tabs I had open on my browser and I happened to click on this person's profile.
I looked at the photos they had up, and saw how happy that person looked. He was hanging out with friends, sitting at a park smiling with a group of people. Most of the photos in his album were like that; just a group of friends having fun and taking pictures of themselves.
It's when I'm looking at how happy these people are is when I realize just how pathetic I am. I never go out. I don't "hang out." I spend my weekends at home, in my room. No calls or IMs me. After school, I go straight home. My only friend is my puppy. Then I start thinking to myself "Why am I like this?" "Why was I born like this?" "Why was I an outcast growing up, and why am I an outcast now?"

All these thoughts start racing across my head, and I begin feeling more and more depressed. Some questions I have the answer to, and some questions I do not.

Why didn't I fit in as a kid?
Other people were bullied as a kid too, why did they turn out normal? Why don't they hide at home like me? Why am I the only one that seems to be unhappy?

I've always felt like I got the short end of the stick in life, and it makes me angry. Angry and sad. Angry at the world, angry at everyone. Sad that I'll always been an outcast, sad that I'll probably off myself before I hit the age of 20.

I'm so confused right now. My emotions are a mess. I'm frustrated, angry, and sad all at the same time.

Edit- Ugh, just realized how long this was. Sorry for writing all these "essays." There's no one else to talk to, and the internet is the only way for me to get these feelings and thoughts off my chest.

I'm sorry you've been feeling so down and insecure about yourself, and I'm sorry I took so long to respond!

How are you doing? I hope you're feeling better than you were all those weeks ago.

Thanks for replying.
Actually these last 2 weeks, I've been feeling good. (Surprisingly)

But what's even more surprising is that I've been able to bounce back better whenever something unfortunate happens. Instead of letting certain events screw with my emotions to a point where they spiral out of control, I've learned to control my emotions and stop them before I start feeling really down.

Hi derp, nice to meet you. I am Allen279. I am middleaged so it has been a long time since I was in school but I can relate to a lot of what you are going through, such as fantasies and staying isolated. I never had a girlfriend until I was 26. So don't feel bad in any way about that. I have a suggestion for you. Put the White Light around your whole body, it is the Light of the Universe. Imagine it with your mind and it will be there. Talk to the White Light with your mind and see if it helps you. Let me know? Peace.