Social misfit

I am looking again for input from the community here.

I have suffered for most of my life with major depression and anxiety. It hasn't been until recently that I have really found a medication regiment that works well for me. I feel better than I have in many years.

I still REALLY struggle in almost every social situation I am in. I never feel like I actually "fit in" with any group I am with. I find in extremely difficult to let down my guard and relax. Even with friends that I should feel at ease with. I don't think that I am like them or if they "knew" things about me, ie illness etc, they would find me damaged.

I live in a sort of self imposed exile and the lonliness that causes is hard to handle.

Just wonder how others have dealt with this type of stuff on their road to wholeness.

I remember often feeling that way in my teens. I think I managed to turn it into a vicious circle of sorts: (1.) I didn't think I "really" belonged so (2.) I had to pass the test and prove I did, but (3.) the harder I worked to prove it the more out of touch and out of place I felt and (4.) the odder I seemed to everyone else. Here's that same vicious circle from another perspective: (1.) I wanted to be like other people. (2.) Other people obviously enjoyed social situations, therefore (3.) I needed to learn to enjoy social situations too. Only, (4.) I didn't like social situations all that much so that meant (5.) I wasn't like other people and there had to be something wrong with me.

I don't remember exactly how I went about it, but since that time I seem to have discovered that it's a lot more important to me to have friends I can really talk to, and do things I really find worthwhile. Nowadays I decline almost all "social" invitations. On the infrequent occasions when I do find myself at a strictly-social gathering for whatever reason, my train of thought is likely to run something like this:

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Hey, look at all those people having a good
time! That's great! As soon as I'm done
touching base with _____, _____, and
_____ I'll go home, be by myself, and have
a good time doing the stuff I'd rather do.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

And what if they did find you "damaged"? Is that truly a poor reflection of you, or them? If such a judgment is a real possibility, maybe you should reconsider who you associate with.

Oh hun, I've been down that road many times, and I've been getting better when it comes to this situation. What I do is try to be another person, see what it feels like to be "in" the group rather than the "outcast". Maybe talk to one of your friends about your problem and then they'll try to bring you in the conversations. If they are loyal to you, I'm sure that person will have no problems helping you out! That's what good buddies are for, after all.
Some time later, you'll get used to being apart of the conversation and you'll talk to your friends more and then, later on, you'll feel ready to talk to more people. It's just a gradual process that will get you to your goal to talk to people! You will get there for sure. All you have to do is start small!

I really hoped this helped! Keep posting ITM.

Hi there. Personality is something that you cannot change. Trying to change the avoidant aspects of your own personality is in my opinion the road to frustration and even more disappointment when you're suffering from a personality disorder.

I'm no master in living with my avoidant disorder but here are some things that have worked in some degree for me. My contacts are usually consisting of first degree family members and one "special" friend. I never wanted to belong to a group or be a popular person. Maybe that's the schizoid aspect of me playing a role there. Though I sometimes let myself be fooled that I should have many friends like the rest of the world and I can get depressed by isolating myself too much, somewhere I know I'm different. I dont need many contacts, I just need a few maybe only one who to me are completely safe and trustworthy.

I used the term "special friend" because it's not a friendship like most. I only need one person I can rely on. This can only be if I can find enough safety in the relationship I have with that person. Safety as in: being aware of my disorder, accepting it. When I think about it such a friend has to comply with almost impossible expectations from my part. Not to be judgmental, to unconditionally accept me as I am, always be there, not to be there when I want solitude, ...

I sometimes go through great lengths provoking and testing someone to see how safe it is. Eg pushing someone away by being offensive to see if she/he is not scared by it and starts running. I strike pre-emptive out of fear of being left alone/rejected.

Few people will put up with something like that and 99% of the time this results in avoiding someone anyway. I would never approach anyone and make contact irl. On the internet (chatrooms, IM etc) however I can usually remove my first fears and eliminate contacts more comfortably before things get messy/scary like they tend to in real life.

I have had trouble figuring out where I fit in since childhood. Due to being teased a lot in my younger years I have a lot of trouble opening up to people and this makes it almost impossible to make any good friends.

I have always been awkward socially, always too nervous to think of anything to say, and it gets very lonely after a while. I too even have trouble with family and others I am close with sometimes.

Brian