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Wisest Elder Ever
Member Since Nov 2002
Location: Cave.
Posts: 96,331
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Sep 21, 2010 at 02:31 PM
#1
Can anyone tell me why people with "avoidant personality" or "avoidant traits" seem to be hurt and rejected so often when it's so hard to reach out? (IRL)
Probably in my case its because I just suck..... as i've been told so many times, mostly by myself 
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Pet Lady of Psychcentral
Member Since Sep 2005
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 4,564
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Sep 21, 2010 at 02:54 PM
#2
Not for sure but I was engaged to someone with disorder. I did not understand why someone who was so wonderful would feel so horribly about herself...until I met and got to know her mother who is a terrible awful monster. Guess she convinced my former fiance pretty good because I could not for the life of me convince her otherwise. I empathized with her until she started treating me the way her mother treated her. You though, admit this diagnosis and are open to getting help...she did not. We both worked for some pdocs at the time and if they had not told me, I would still wonder why things ended up the way they did. There was a lot more to it in my situation though. PM me anytime
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 Fuzzybear
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Member
Member Since Sep 2010
Location: Europe
Posts: 20
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Sep 22, 2010 at 12:38 PM
#3
I can relate to what you are saying. But it's a part of this negative cycle "we" get ourselves into. When you say to yourself that you are not a worthy friend, you will believe it. And eventually your friends hate your negative behaviour, and will not keep in touch anymore. Confirming your belief that you are not worthy.
I am trying to break this negative cycle, just with some positive thoughts. It's not getting me anywhere, but it makes me feel a bit better. Replying to your message even makes me feel a bit better. Because, even though I think I'm a lost cause, I can still help/support others. |
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Fuzzybear, Onward2wards
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Pet Lady of Psychcentral
Member Since Sep 2005
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 4,564
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Sep 22, 2010 at 05:11 PM
#4
You are so far ahead in the regard that you admit to this disorder and are trying to get better. Me, I just stayed by her side until she ended it. I wasn't going to end it because that is what she wanted...to push me away so she could claim abandonment. I wasn't going to let her win that one. I know what you mean though...it is called a self fulfilly propephsey. Sorry, spelling. You are doing good.
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Member
Member Since Mar 2008
Location: West Coast US
Posts: 260
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Oct 01, 2010 at 12:02 PM
#5
((Fuzzybear))
You don't suck! I'm reading a book called Don't Take it Personally! The Art of Dealing With Rejection. Feeling rejected is such a huge trigger for me that it's nice to have a whole book addressing it (although it is an old school self-help book with a lot of words and is not super well organized). I agree with FW82; rejection makes me want to run and running makes me feel rejected. It is hard to get out of the cycle. I wonder if it's partly practice? If someone takes 100 risks and 90 come out good, that's 90 times of positive feedback. If I take 1 risk and it isn't good, ouch! (Plus, my reaching out skills are rusty, so my chances of a good response might not be as high.) |
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Fuzzybear, Onward2wards
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Member
Member Since Aug 2010
Location: Georgia
Posts: 23
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Oct 02, 2010 at 07:25 AM
#6
OrangeMoira -
I think I definately should get a book like that to read as well. I really need to get out of this mode of taking everything so personally. Sometimes I am so sensitive to this that even someones facial expression will bring on feelings of rejection. My logical brain knows that people go through their moods throughout the day, and more times than not it has nothing to do with me personally. Yet, I cannot seem to break this cycle of fear and insecurity. Brian |
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Seeker
Member Since Jun 2010
Location: Here
Posts: 9,204
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Oct 02, 2010 at 08:43 AM
#7
i often think that most of our problems result from so much self-concern. oh me, oh my ,, oh Me Me ME,,, I, I, I,, MY feelings, MY interests MY concerns, their reactions to ME,,, really, when does thatever stop ??? here's my latest motto, and i think it applies: Wanting doesn't stop with Getting, but only with Giving,,, Gus
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Veteran Member
Member Since Jan 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 538
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Oct 02, 2010 at 09:31 PM
#8
((((((((((Furry Paws))))))))) I think in my case I'm attracted to rejection. I am trying subconsciously to overcome rejections that hurt me long ago, by people or in situations where I couldn't possibly win. So I have a tendency to go looking for relationships that don't really have a good chance of succeeding in the first place. It's a hard vicious circle to break out of, but I'm working on being aware of what I'm doing in being drawn to these relationships and being extra safe with myself with people, and my own expectations in that relationship. And I feel as long as I haven't given up on myself, (and I haven't) that I'm making progress. I know you can too. Just start by being your own best friend, and letting go of whoever made you feel that way.
 
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Fuzzybear, robbecker
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Poohbah
Member Since Jun 2009
Posts: 1,096
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Oct 19, 2010 at 01:21 AM
#9
((((((fuzzybear)))))) I can relate to what you are saying. For me its a horrible thing to live with. Life is a minefield. Because there are triggers everywhere that trigger my own thoughts about myself. I reach out. And i get hurt. Then it triggers my own thoughts about myself. etc etc. I just have to do my best to protect myself. Makes every place potentially unsafe. Every place
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Fuzzybear
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New Member
Member Since Nov 2010
Location: minneapolis
Posts: 2
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Nov 18, 2010 at 09:35 AM
#10
Quote:
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boodles, shyviolet
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Poohbah
Member Since Jun 2009
Posts: 1,096
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Nov 23, 2010 at 05:11 AM
#11
I was just in a new chatroom. The area seemed very nice. There were three people in the chat room. At a certain point, I could see that two of them were typing ( it shows when people are typing) But no words came out. I was in a room with three people. But two of them were in private message with each other. I waited about 5 minutes and then left.
I am having a lot of trouble accepting the dx of Avpd. Some of the things I read about it sort of scare me. I know the dx is correct. But there is something about called DSM5 or is it, DSM-IV, that is either linking it, or wanting to link it to another condition that feels very scary to me. Anyway, I am just trying to figure out how to make it through the holiday season being so completely alone with this condition. With no support system irl. When I had some money I could sort of buy a support system and community to be part of. But without money things changed dramatically. I hope this all is allright to write. 
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Member
Member Since Nov 2010
Location: 2106 eastgate Place
Posts: 24
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Nov 25, 2010 at 04:50 PM
#12
My dad has avoidant personality disorder and he drinks when he feels like he just sucks, but the rest of the time he has fun watching sports, eating good food, enjoying work and the family. If someone makes him feel like he did somethig wrong he will shrivel up. sexy women on tv help him feel better about who he is. Being with someone like my mom helps him. be confidant about who you are. Someone in your childhood made you feel bad about yourelf, but i THINK YOU ARE GREAT.
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Member
Member Since Dec 2010
Location: In my head
Posts: 44
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Jan 15, 2011 at 01:01 PM
#13
I hate having this .I feel it is so hard to even know what to say.I love to be near people who can do most of the talking.I freeze alot and cant like be brave to talk.
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