Avoidant, Something Else, or Not Really That Serious?

I know that an official diagnosis can’t be given here but I’d still like to get some other people’s opinions on how serious these problems I’m having might be. I don’t want to visit a therapist for diagnosis unless I’m absolutely sure things are that serious; I don't feel like I can ask my family for any more money than I'm already getting from them to pay for the visit and it will put a lot of stress on them, particularly my mother who gets very stressed and depressed very easily. I’m at college now but don’t have a job, and therefore have no way to pay for a visit to a therapist without my family knowing. I am planning to visit the counselor here at college but I have exams very soon and don't have much time at the moment. I don't live on campus so my schedule for that isn't as flexible as students who live there.

I took a personality disorder test online and got these results: (I don't have enough posts yet to post links, so I can't give a link to the website, it was called 4degreez(dot)com or something like that)


I know these tests aren’t always accurate so I wanted to ask some people who do have these personality disorders what they think. I figured that here in the Avoidant section of the forum might be a good place to start.

Here’s a little bit about my past:

I don’t come from a broken family but my parents have never been very affectionate towards each other; they have always been loving to my sister and I however.

My mother yells a lot (which I can't stand) and was controlling of me as a child; most of the controlling has gone away now but there are still some areas where she is very controlling. I love my mother but because of her temper and unwillingness to attempt to see things from others points of view, I am not very close with her. I am close with my father, who is the closest relationship I have in my life.

I don’t have any horrible experiences of being picked on or made fun of as a child or adolescent. There were a few mild, isolated incidences of teasing sprinkled here and there throughout the years, but that seems pretty standard for most kids going to school.

I’ve never had a boyfriend, a crush, or fallen in love but I had a few close friends up until the end of 8th grade. Around that time I started to feel suspicious as to whether people really thought of me as a friend or not and lost the desire to spend time with others after school or on weekends, so I drifted away from all my friends. I haven’t had any friends since, but I have a few casual class-mate acquaintances here in college.

In about 5th grade I got acne and although I was never explicitly teased for it, I am a bit of a perfectionist and couldn’t stand the sight of myself having imperfect skin. I think that might possibly be the start of my feeling inferior to others and disliking myself because I had none of these problems before that. I am currently on medications for acne and it is better, but nowhere close to being gone and I am still troubled by it quite a lot. Usually every few months I will go into a bad depression for sometimes a day or two with the focus being my acne, how ugly I am and how out of shape I am. Most of the time though I’m able to push those feelings to the back of my mind.

Here is some information about me now.

I don’t mind being alone at all, most of the time I love it. I don’t mind spending time with people but if I actually have to live with them for long periods of time I start to consistently wish I was by myself. I can’t imagine myself being happy living with another person who isn’t my immediate family. When I’m alone there are no conflicts with other people, I don’t have to worry about socializing and I’m easily entertained; I never feel bored or lonely.

I prefer to stay at home but I have no fear of leaving my house. I don’t mind going to sit-down restaurants by myself and I take myself to the mall sometimes. However there are certain places such as concerts, plays and other events that take place at night in the city that I don’t feel safe going to by myself, and also activities that are best enjoyed with others, that I feel I am missing out on because I can’t go by myself.

I don’t have any problems with casual conversation with strangers. Strangers don’t know me yet and casual conversation is fairly easy to predict: the weather, homework, things like that. I also don’t mind doing presentations on something I’ve researched because what I need to say is already mostly planned out for me and getting a good grade is all that matters.

That, however, is where easy, normal communication stops. Once a person starts to become a good acquaintance the problems begin. I’m terrible at spontaneously explaining things, whether its my emotions, my point of view on something, or schoolwork (this is particularly troublesome right now because one of my classes requires you to work in a group). If I haven’t prepared an idea of what I am going to say ahead of time, I end up saying the wrong things which others take offense to, I’m embarrassed by, and/or are interpreted differently than what I was trying to get across (which, being terrible at expressing my emotions and explaining things, is very hard to correct). I know that happens to everyone at times but, obviously, it doesn't make others shut down, regret joining in on conversations and start avoiding them like it does to me. If it did, nobody would have any friends.

I have a very hard time judging other people’s feelings towards me. A lot of times after I meet someone I get a strong feeling that they really dislike me (even though I can't give any example of what makes me feel that way), and that I should just go away and not bother them anymore.

If a guy seems to be particularly friendly towards me I start to get afraid that he might be interested in dating me and I get very nervous around him, and most of the time start to suspect what his ulterior motives might be, because I don’t see any real reason for him to be interested in me. If I don’t feel suspicious about his motives then I get nervous because I’m torn between feeling like having a boyfriend might be fun for a little while but will probably just end up being a pain and a waste of my time, and feeling like the more he gets to know me, the more he’ll realize what a mistake it was being interested in me so it wouldn’t be worth it anyways. In these situations I usually try to explicitly give the impression that I have no interest in dating, and/or try to avoid him.

I get suspicious of women who seem like they want to be my friend sometimes too, it’s not just guys.

If I need to write an e-mail to someone, or post to somewhere on the internet, I usually spend way more time than most people reading and re-reading what I’ve wrote (even if it’s just a small little paragraph I sometimes spend close to an hour or more looking at it), making sure that everything I wrote sounds good and will be interpreted correctly. I don’t know how long I spent re-reading/editing this. Unfortunately, even after all that scrutiny I sometimes still fail and embarrass myself or accidentally offend someone.

A good amount of the time when I make an embarrassing/offensive mistake in conversation, the thought of my stupidity for making the mistake plagues me for a while afterward and usually brings me down for the rest of the day, and sometimes the next few. If I feel I’ve made too many mistakes talking to a person over time, I start wanting to avoid them permanently (and sometimes I actually do start avoiding them) and often end up greatly looking forward to a time when I'll never have to encounter them again (such as the end of the school quarter).

I am terrible with conflict and am completely uncomfortable with expressing my emotions of anger and sadness to anyone, even my family. When conflict occurs I usually just prefer to leave. Last year I had a bad roommate (this year I live alone) and we had a conflict involving the laundry. She went into a rage and blew it out of proportion while I was, luckily, in my room. I was absolutely terrified that she was going to physically harm me (all of her personality traits suggested that turning violent wouldn't be much of a problem for her) and managed to escape confrontation with her that night by staying hidden in my room. As a result of my fear I completely changed the schedule of my daily life (I changed my sleeping schedule, kept all my belongings (including food) in my room so I could avoid leaving my room whenever possible, spent all the time I wasn’t at school at a book store where I studied, went back to my family’s house every weekend, and a few other things) to avoid her for the rest of the year, which I succeeded in doing. I’m aware that that was a pathetic and ridiculous thing to do but even after my roommate got over it a few weeks later, I couldn’t bring myself to get out of the safe, conflict avoiding schedule I had created.

Aside being socially incompetent, I have a lot of self-image issues as well. Even though I know I shouldn’t, I take criticism too seriously and often end up avoiding people who criticize me and avoiding doing things I will probably be criticized for. I avoid having pictures/video taken of me whenever I can so I don’t have to look at myself in them and I also often try to avoid looking at myself in the mirror.

I’ve very self conscious about my body, even though I know there are many people out there who are in less shape than me. I have a normal BMI but I’m very picky about certain parts of my body. I can’t wear t-shirts if the sleeves don’t come down to my elbow because I'm unsatisfied with my upper arms, the same applies with shorts. If I go swimming I have to wear long shorts and a big t-shirt over my swimsuit. My shirts can’t have a form fitting shape to them because my stomach isn’t up to my standards either. If I try on a form fitting shirt at a store, even if a family member (the only people I ever go shopping with) says I look really good in it, I can’t convince myself to trust them and just feel like they don’t want to hurt my feelings and tell me the truth. Also, when I put on a piece of clothing that makes me self conscious I can’t keep it on for long because I can “feel” all my fatness and I can’t stop thinking about it. I know exercise would, hopefully, be able to make me more accepting of my body, but during the school year if I set up a regular exercise schedule it makes me so tired afterward that I start to get behind on all my school work and just want to sleep.

In general I think it would probably be a good idea for me to not have these problems any more, but a good amount of the time I feel like trying to fix them is just fooling myself, and that it would never really work. I also feel like even if I do overcome all these problems I’m having, it won’t improve the quality of my life any and I would have done a lot of work for nothing. People who don’t have these problems aren’t necessarily happy with their lives; it seems like a “the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence” sort of situation. Sometimes I think that it would be nice to have friends or even a romantic relationship, but the feeling usually never lasts for more than a few days at a time because I remember that it would probably never work out and that having friends and intimacy most likely isn’t all it’s cracked up to be anyway.

I’m writing this on a day where I’m feeling sort of optimistic about all this, that maybe I would be able to get better communication skills, better self esteem and maybe even a few close relationships if I found some sort of help. I’m also starting to get worried that I will be a complete failure in the workplace because of all these problems. I’d like to get an idea of how serious all this is so I can find some direction on what steps to take next to get better.

Sorry that was so long, I probably overdid it with giving information. But please let me know what you think.

However "serious" they are or aren't on someone's diagnostic scale, it sounds like they're getting in your way and you'd like to get them sorted out -- though right now you may not be looking forward much to the actual sorting.

I would think that a diagnosis would be more for insurance purposes (or to comply with clinic policy) than because it was key to relieving your problems. I had a couple of years of therapy (years ago, admittedly) and as far as I know, I never was diagnosed.

Does your school have a health clinic or counseling center? That sounds like a likely place to start. They could tell you what your most promising treatment options would be and where (on campus or in the neighborhood) you might be able to find them.
When I was a kid, I was often afraid of dogs. Someone must've explained to me that I should never show a dog I was afraid because if I did, it would want to come after me. So there I'd be, walking past the dog thinking, "Don't let it find out I'm afraid, don't let it find out I'm afraid, has it figured out I'm afraid yet? Is it going to come after me? Don't let it find out I'm afraid!" The dogs never told me what they were thinking but looking back on it, I suspect it must've been something like, "What's with that kid? Why is he acting like that? Must not belong here. Should I chase him away? Grrrrr!" It sounds to me as if you might be having a dialogue like that about yourself. The more you worry that there might be something wrong with you, especially something that other people will notice, the more anxious you're going to feel, the more mistakes you'll make, the more strained you'll act -- and the more of your own and other people's attention you'll attract. I'd guess that the better you get at accepting yourself just the way you are and letting yourself be, the better you'll be able to get along without therapy -- and the easier it'll be for you to participate in therapy and benefit from it, if you do go that route.
I think you communicate very clearly when you let yourself, but you're inclined to be a bit hard on yourself.

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My advice is free -- and worth every penny.

Ah, that makes sense...Eeeh, common sense probably should have been there for me to tell me that before I went and wrote such a big embarrassing post about myself. But thank you very much for your answer.

They have one that I'm planning to visit but that's going to be delayed for a few weeks because of exams coming up next week, and Spring Break after that. I'm pretty nervous about it though, my high school counselor wasn't the best expirence. :\

Heehee, yeah I fight with myself quite a bit about trying to make myself interact with others like everyone else seems to be able to do, and then chasing myself away from it when I screw up.

Ahh, if only that were the easy part. ;P

Thanks.

Hi Saphire, I'm brand new to Psych Central. I clicked on "avoidant" because I thought I might find common ground there. Well, in reading your post I found quite a bit of that. Up until age 19, I basically labeled myself as painfully shy. I now feel my problem around people is something more than that. My doctor has mentioned that I seem to have a lot of Cluster C Personality Disorder traits. Socially Avoidant would fall into that category.

You seem to write in a very forthcoming way about what you think is going on with you. You sound genuine. I will try to honor your honesty by replying in a manner more forthcoming than I would ordinarily attempt in a new setting.

Feeling physically flawed is very painful for a child. In my case, I had a dental malocclusion - specifically, an overbite. That doesn't sound so bad. The slang term is "buck teeth." When I would look in the mirror and hear that slang term in my head, I did feel very bad. I can't say I was treated horribly by either the children or adults in my world, growing up. Your description of your mother sounds kind of like my father. There were issues of his being overly controlling on everyone in the family. Still, I did love him. He was good to me in many ways.

Like you, I'm inclined to enjoy solitude more than most people I've known. Unfortunately, I have more of it than I would like. I'm lonely. Yet, I shrink back from venturing forth among people in a way that might remedy the loneliness. This is no minor problem. Mainly I've wanted to reply to your post to affirm that the problem you have is most likely having a huge impact on the quality of your life. And you did not choose to be this way. And you can't easily just choose to be different. I suspect that you may find that people have a hard time understanding that. Such has been my experience. Professional help is worth getting. I think, though, the professionals underestimate how painful this problem can be - and how it limits you and me.

Welcome to Psych Central! It was really hard for me to write that post (it took a few days before I was actually able to convince myself to post it) so thanks so much for your reply and for sharing your own expirence with problems similar to mine, it really means a lot. It's comforting to know that someone else here went through something similar. Sorry it took me so long to reply, I've been busy with exams and Spring Break so I haven't been on the forum here.

Yep, I'm definitely experiencing that, especially now that I'm trying to be more open about all this with my family. They seem to be misinterpreting and not understanding a lot of what I'm going through. :/

I'm really worried about that actually. Now that I'm back at school I have to set up my appointment with the counselor. On their counseling service website it doesn't seem like they usually deal with problems like mine and I'm worried they are going to just brush off everything I tell them and show me to the door after telling me to suck it up.

No, Sapphire, I don't think they will be that harsh, but they may fail to appreciate just how tough your problem can get. "Persistent maladaptive traits," which often go into making up personality types of persons who find life extra difficult and troubling, are very resistant to being changed. Also, unless they are antisocial, they may get encouraged.

If you were not a behavior problem at home or in school, then adults might have thought that you being shy was just fine. Teachers told my mother that I was the best little child in the class. So I would be happy to hear that, and I would try to behave more perfectly and do my assignments more perfectly. I became one up-tight little kid. Also, it took forever to get things done because I had to fuss eternally over every detail.

By 7th grade, I did start thinking that my approach to life was in need of change. But, boy, is that ever hard to do. I'm still working on it. Counselors seemed to sometimes underestimate the problem, if the behavior was kind of in a positive direction (trying to write the greatest term paper in the history of schools). I was told that it was wonderful to have high standards and that I would probably achieve great things. Down the line - and it might take awhile to get there - I might voice non-acceptance of something the Counselor was telling me, and then I would be told that I was I was impossible to work with. (Always keep in mind that doctors, therapists, and counselors have egos, just as we all do. They like to feel they are doing a good job. I try to always thank people for helping me, even when I don't believe I've been helped. My former approach was getting me nowhere.)

What may be a very, very good thing that you have going for you is this: You are trying to recognize your behavioral/thinking tendencies, and you are evaluating the impact those tendencies are having on how your life is going. You are already seeing some things you may want to change. That is powerful, especially because you are still young. I hope your appointment goes well. Most of the work of dealing with the problem will be on you, but get any help available.

Hi there,

You sound like me in college. I had acne, braces, and was extremely shy around people. I have a mild physical deformity which was the source of my self-loathing. I *was* made fun of as a child which did contribute to the problem. Here are some suggestions:

* Find spiritual support. You may not be a "true believer" but if you can attend some kind of regular services your social confidence will grow. People will accept you without criticism of your appearance.
*. Learn cognitive techniques to change your thinking and behavior. When I dwelled on my differentness so did others. When I showed no fear they showed none either. You will have to bare all your physical flaws to free your mind of these fears. Learn to do that and your confidence will grow.
* Try some minor things like St Johns Wort to take the edge off. It will help to see that there is another you hiding inside that can't wait to explore the world.
*. Read some books like Think and Grow Rich or Learned Optimism and embrace techniques like Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life suggests.
*. Don't isolate. Join campus groups and make yourself go. You will find friends which will greatly alleviate much of your suffering.
You are just starting adult life and have great opportunities to iaddress these things now and brighten your future. Go for it!