I guess I'll weigh in on this...

...because I'm SURE I have avoidant personality disorder, and have had it all my life, even though I haven't been officially diagnosed with it. And I can tell you that it has ruined my life. This crippling shyness and quietness. I feel that life has passed me by because of this. I wish I could be born as another person who was witty and confident. How much happier life would be if I could break out of these chains, but I know I never will. It is what it is.

I was lucky enough to get SOME attention due to the fact that people seemed to think I was pretty and I could play the piano. And there have been certain people who I've gotten to where I was comfortable with and who have loved me. I'm thankful for that. But let me tell you, going to parties, social functions, dinners with people I don't know very well or who intimidate me--these have been absolute torture for me and I end up coming home extremely depressed after them. I'm not a story-teller or a funny type. If the conversation isn't about something I know well or am interested in, I become extremely quiet and self-conscious and beat myself up because of it.

I actually enjoy just keeping to myself because of this. Being around people makes me feel badly about myself--and I mean very badly. My husband died recently, and I feel like I'm going to be alone the rest of my life. I'm getting older, so I feel like my looks are gone and I'm invisible.

This is the first time I've talked about this or admitted feeling like this to anyone. My mom was the same way, and always made me feel it was an insult when someone called you "quiet", made me feel like it was a shameful thing. Well, I've heard the word all my life, I'm sure you can imagine how inadequate I feel.

I know I can't be reborn as someone else with a different (and better) personality. I'm stuck with this one until I die. I wish there was a magic pill that would make you likeable and interesting. But I don't think so.

Thanks for listening to my rambling, guys. It was a little therapeutic just to get it out.

I have seen on the Forums that lots of people have gotten diagnosed with personality disorders. That surprises me, and I wonder what you have to display to get diagnosed with PD. My experience is that psychiatrists are slow and reluctant to officially diagnose avoidant personality disorder, as with other personality disorders.

You speak about feeling depressed as a consequence of having been in a social situation where you felt intimidated and ill at ease. Have you been diagnosed with a mood disorder? For instance, have you been diagnosed with a depressive disorder? If so, did you feel that your main problem was being minimized?

Describing shyness as "crippling" and having the sense of being in "chains" sounds like a very good way of describing social avoidance. To me, it seems like depression is a symptom. I have depression and social anxiety. The pdocs focus on the mood and trying to find a drug that will improve the mood. I do manage to break out of avoidance from time to time. Experiencing that, though it is only temporary, improves my mood better than medication.

I'm glad you have made yourself aware that there is such a thing as APD. Someone should listen to you. Putting an official name on a problem can make it more manageable, in my opinion. Its sad to hear you say it has ruined your life, but I can believe that it can. Also, I'm sorry that your husband has died.

I don't feel convinced that your situation is hopeless. I hope you will post more about this problem. There are others of us whose lives have been so much more lonely and unhappy than would have been the case if we didn't have this disorder.

Rose, thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. Unlike you, I do feel convinced that the situation is hopeless. I have tried my all my life to hide the fact that I'm this way, and to change the fact that I'm this way. Doing either is pretty useless. I've read and read about the subject--how to have confidence, how to have a conversation with anyone--you know ALL that stuff.

I think I was diagnosed with depression a while back. I do remember going to a couple of counselors about it. It didn't seem to help at all. I was on Zoloft for about 10 years. The only thing it really seemed to do was to put me on one emotional level. I never felt overly happy or overly sad. Just kind of numb.

I agree that depression and social anxiety go hand in hand. And I'm not sure which causes which. I think they feed off of each other. I don't even know if I can say I actually want friends. If I actually wanted them, I think I'd be more interested and seek people out more. But instead I avoid them. I only want to be with people I'm comfortable with. Once in a while people like that will come along and enrich my life and I will feel happier. I am a nice person and people do like me. But I just can't seem to keep a conversation going with very many people, and my quietness makes people drift away. Maybe they think I don't like them. Maybe they can sense that I'm not that interested. Maybe that's the problem. I'm only interested in certain people. Even if people do ask me to come over, or do something with them, I immediately start looking for an excuse not to do it because I know I'll end up looking like a fool like I have ALL MY LIFE.

So in saying all this, it makes me wonder if I really even want friends. I guess I do, but the process of getting to know people and finding the ones that I'll "click" with is just something I don't want to do. I really, really don't like small talk and am terrible at it. I know that one of my very good friends had to literally force her way into my life.

I know I'd feel happier and more fulfilled if I were an extrovert with lots of friends. But I'm not. On the few occasions when a social function did end up being successful for me, I felt elated when I came home. But the vast majority of them leave me feeling devasted.

I know this is a long post, but actually putting this all into writing and into words is something long overdue for me. Thanks for listening.

Is there a Veterans hospital near you? That might be a good place to volunteer. You have some computer skills, or you can wheel people to their appointments, or just visit with patients and listen to THEM talk. Hospitals are always looking for volunteers and prefer quieter types, I would think!

I honestly thought i was the only person going through this up until about three years ago, i wasnt diagnosed by a doctor or a psychologist but by myself simply by searching through endless information in books and on the net. You are not alone in this... so if you need someone to talk to i am here xoxo

One of the problems with social avoidance is that it limits the amount of interpersonal experience that one racks up over time. That is my analysis of my own situation. I often feel that I am awkward and embarrass myself with the way I act around people sometimes due to my lack of experience. The only answer I have found is to forgive myself. Then I say the more interpersonal situations I put my self in, the more I'll learn to be appropriate. I will admit, though, I do go through a lot of pain when I feel I mishandled something.

I don't thing one needs lots of friends to be happy. But I would agree that the way you're living must be very unhappy. To my way of thinking, you kind of have nothing to lose by being more interactive.

I meandered around the PC website and wound up here. Social avoidance is the topic I care most about. The thread has run cold. It's like a metaphor for my life. I'll look at what other threads are running on this forum. Seems I've checked and checked before. Will we ever see a thread here that runs on for numerous pages like we see elsewhere? They really are different from us (I am socially avoident, self-diagnosed.) - those folks on other forums that can lob a theme back and forth for page after page after page, enthusiasms undimmed well past the point where social avoidents could possibly continue to remain engaged. I have a foot in both worlds, I know. I think I go there out of my hypomanic drive. In that state, I compose replies that, when revisited a day later, I find ridiculous.

In my own opinion, I make the most sense when I say nothing. Inside of my head, I say all kinds of nonsense, but it would so often save me pain if it didn't get further than there. Yet, thanks to my belief that I can alleviate my social avoidance by jumping into web site discourse, out come my contributions - into the limelight where they can later serve to mortify me into ever greater conviction that I do well to contain myself.

Now, if I remain quiet, I can escape alone-ness, as many suggest, by listening to those needing a sympathetic ear. Volunteering at a hospital is an oft recommended option. Well, I took that even further and actually became a nurse, and a popular one at that - ever ready to shower attentiveness on others. That's an effective way of keeping engaged with other humans. Be a source of attentiveness to ailing folk and you will be much sought out. You'll have to hide to eat your lunch in peace. Is that really a program for quality of life enrichment? Hasn't quite worked out that way for me. Being everyone else's shoulder to cry on doesn't lead to learning to meet one's own needs for attention.

This is a thread started by someone else, so maybe I am trespassing or usurping. On the other hand, if I am standing at the end of a dead-end street, how am I blocking traffic?

i have been called "phobic" and "anxious" for so long, i finally just 'Made UP', the term avoidant, because i don't feel afraid, just ,,, avoidant... how nice to finally see others talking about it... i could never seem to explain to other people, even so-called therapists and Pdocs, why i go to the door and just freeze... i would even go sit down and tell myself it was an intuition trying to help me avoid another traumatic event... but the one word that came up over and over was "Avoid"... do i want to get over it, or do i want to avoid that much work? do i like feeling safe more than i want shallow social contacts ?? (YES) so,, online has been a great blessing to me, contact without committment, PRN, as needed,, disengage when full or offended. finally, a way to have SOME kind of a social life that i can tolerate. best wishes to you all,, Gus

"Avoidant personality" is a term you made up gus 1234 u??

Social avoidance for me has been rejection avoidance. (Not unusual, I'm sure.) But rejection avoidance feeds into rejection intolerance. Rejection, socially, is part of life for anyone who socializes. Emotional health, I think, is bolstered by developing the ability to roll with the rejections. But a lifetime of avoiding the rejections, by avoiding the social risks, leaves me with no inner tolerance for getting the occasional rejection. I get devastated all over again every time. I feel like I didn't pay the dues to be able to cope.

i never used the phrase "Avoidant personality", and i don't think i like your tone, Down.

This is me too, I think. I kinda go back and forth in social situations though. Sometimes I do "well" and I leave feeling good, and sometimes I do poorly and leave feeling horrible.

For me when I stop thinking about myself and really concentrate on what is being said, I've found that conversation flows much more easily. Many times I am thinking about what the person could be thinking of me, watching their expressions and if I feel the slightest glint of judgment or disapproval the anxiety starts to build... sometimes I break out in a sweat. Its awful.

Sometimes I try to force myself into situations where I KNOW someone will disapprove of me just so I have to weather it... and the next time it doesnt seem so bad.

I'm 50, by the way, and have been dealing with this for as long as I can remember. I've had other childhood issues though, so I'm sure they contributed.

For me, the ability to "do well" now and then does not seem to lessen the pain of having this issue. There is still the insecurity of never knowing when it won't go well. I understand how much anxiety this causes. Well, I know - for me - it can even give a sense of temporary false confidence that gets shattered, and then the pain is back worse.

This is me to a "T". That "temporary false confidence that gets shattered and then the pain comes back worse" is why I avoid social situations. I want to keep the confidence. And going to social functions or even out to lunch with a few people poses the risk of showing me that I really am what I thought I was.

Actually, I'm sure we're harder on ourselves than others are on us. Our focus is so much on ourselves and our self-consciousness that we probably seem worse to ourselves than we seem to others. If only that helped. Which it doesn't.

I am sorry for your loss. My husband passed away almost 3 years ago and I know how lost and alone that can make you feel.
I can also recall pushing myself to be social in the months following my husband's death and it always ended with my feeling very awkward and downright stupid.
Please give yourself more time and be patient with yourself. This is not an easy road travel and you often must take baby steps to get over, through and around the pot holes.
In time it is possible that some of your symptoms will fade.
If you need to talk, I am here.