avoidant, paranoid, narcissistic...which might it be? Help appreciated :)

personality disorders
Hello everyone,
I have been doing a lot of reading on the web, to try to understand my partner's behaviour...it seems to me that there is a lot of crossover, but I'd like to explain some of his behaviours, to see if there is a general concensus here!
To begin with he has always wanted our relationship to be secret (for a year and a half) to the extent where he will ignore me in the street if he is with someone he knows. If he is alone, he will greet me, sometimes warmly and sometimes fairly coldly. I am supposed to not question this. He is single, 36 years old, lives at home with his sister and parents. He is very shy on one level, in intimate and personal relations...he reveals nothing to anybody about himself, but if something, as he would say, 'high level' comes up he wants to be centre stage..eg; we have a smalltown fashion show every year...he diets to the extreme as 'to be a model, you must be thin'...if I chuckle at him, he doesn't like it at all. If I try to discuss our relationship in even the smallest detail, he 'ends it' as I am 'not satisfied' ... He is extremely secretive about his whole life, with everybody. He will disappear for a weekend and I and friends are supposed to accept that it is 'a secret'. He is described by most people as 'shy, strange, nice, inexperienced, a boy not a man' yet when asked by a male friend why I have to be a secret, he replies seriously 'Because I don't want my reputation as a playboy to be damaged'...People laugh about him behind his back. He has unreasonable responses to criticism...stopped speaking to me because a mutual friend asked him how I was...he took this a me having breached his 'privacy'...the same when a friend invited him to a party. He sometimes says he is 'pyschotic' but if anyone else questions his mental health, he will give the silent treatment. He NEVER asks questions about me or other people and is very uncomfortable if emotional subjects, such as a friends illness is brought up..seems like it embarrasses him. He seems to resent any feelings he has...including sexual ones...he will say things like 'look what you make me do' when he becomes sexually aroused, and after sex is extremely uncomfortable, unrelaxed and anxious and has to leave. One time, I looked up to find his head in a very rigid and contorted position at the top of the bed...when I gave him a pillow, he got up and left.
In a group he is usually silent...very occasionally he will talk endlessly about art or wine or the state of the country. He makes himself very 'important' with a voluntary job at the local museum...no time for 'life'...also works as a supply teacher and adores being adored by 15 and 16 year old girls and hangs out with teenage boys at the bar. He told me 'Your problem is, you want too much affection'.
His sister and parents are little known in this small town...an unusual feat! People tell me his father beat the kids and his mother is crazy...yet they all still live together. He has never had a girlfriend before, most people think only one previous sexual encounter years ago, a one night stand which devestated him when she wanted to leave it at that...His sister also has never had a relationship (at 37) He likes to use humour, irony and sarcasm to belittle me... He seems to 'forget' things he has said only a day before...eg; can I bring you a coffee? ...'No, I don't drink coffee, it discolours my teeth'...next day, 'I need another coffee' ... plays games, not replying to texts etc, then replying 2 days later saying it only just arrived...Currently not talking to me, I have no reason why... I feel like I am living in a crazy world where even a cup of coffee is a precarious and unsteady subject matter...everything changes, all the time...even his voice, depending on who he is speaking with....Help gratefully received, thanks!

I can’t help but wonder why you continue to be with this man? It doesn’t sound like he has many qualities that you like or admire. Most of us who write here in the Personality Place forums are primarily concerned with our own disorders, not those of others. Have you considered what issues you may be bringing to this situation? You might also like to check out the Relationships & Communication forum.

okay, he's not a narcissistic that's for sure , i think he's more likely a paranoid....though this is only little me talking , i suggest to ask an expert .

It sounds as if your partner is very narcissistic; I would be concerned about his adoring being adored by the 15 and 16 year old girls and the teenage boys at the bar. A lot of this seems like a recipe for a disastrous relationship. Maybe the two of you can seek out therapy together if you want to keep things going?

Thanks for your message...I lean towards thinking he may be narcissistic too...it is just very confusing, in that he is very shy and awkward in any emotionally intimate situation...in fact very shy generally in social situations, only with teenagers is he more outgoing, as if he feels more of a man in their company.. but then he has a pretty delusionary view of himself...thinks of himself as a 'latin lover' even though I am told he has no previous experience with women...all his friends who grew up with him laugh about it, but go along with it...nobody has ever confronted him...when I try to kindly suggest we talk or do things differntly, he either sulks, gives the silent treatment or else he will force me onto the defensive and then when he knows he has me pretty much on my knees asking him to discuss rather than state what he always says are 'the facts', he just ups and leaves with a cruel little smile on his face...If you met him you would see a very very shy, nervy person...tho interestingly one friend met him and said 'he thinks way too much of himself'...the thought of getting therapy together is just as likely as moving to the moon together...he is never ever wrong..and if I dare to suggest for instance that it makes me insecure when he ignores me in the street...well I blew it...'sorry, but how can we continue when you just won't understand me, your behaviour has brought us to this...' ecc... then i feel like i am the crazy one..he half convinces me that his behaviour is normal, because he truly believes it is... anyway, many thanks

thanks for your reply There definately is paranoia...but some people have said to me, that it is more about the delusion that he is the center of everyone's universe...therefore that everyone is talking about him all the time...rather than that everyone, especially women are out to get him, although there is a lot of that too 'you are just like all women...i overestimated you' ....because a friend asked him how I was in the street...therefore, I had discussed our private life with her in detail in his mind (which I had not and had no idea even that she had seen him)...definately very witholding...will withold everything and anything as 'punishment' from sex to text message replies to sharing a bottle of wine...he can drink a lot to become socially more able...but will actively refuse to share a bottle of wine over dinner, if he feels it upsets me...for instance if we have a birthday or celebration he will drink water rather than make a toast..ecc ecc... I realise I have issues too in that I am still asking and not running...but I need to understand, I think in order to cope with many things...thank you anyway

Sound's a bit autistic to be honest.

I'd run, and wouldn't look back.

Sorry Alicialabrese but it doesn't sound like a future in that relationship.

I agree with Snap66 on this. I don't see a future in this relationship, because you're looking for something he can't give. Everyone deserves to feel secure and loved in a relationship, and I don't think this guy is willing to provide these things. You have to wonder why someone would keep a relationship "secret" after so long, and disappear without explanation. There's nothing in what you describe that points to him being a secret agent, so my guess is he may be hiding a lot more than you know. Run, do not walk, away from this person, whatever his diagnosis. You so deserve something better.

I'm married to a narcissist who displays the classic traits as per the psychiatric guidelines and everything I have read. This guy does not sound like a narcissist at all. I would tend to think he may be on the autistic spectrum somewhere. Irregardless of a diagnosis as such his behaviour sounds "abnormal". Nevertheless, I don't understand why you have taken considerable effort in recounting and analysing his behaviour (past and present) and still persist in a relationship which you are obviously not happy in. Stop wasting time trying to work him out. Do the right thing and move on as there is no future with someone you don't get on with and can't understand. All the best.