I AM avoidant

I have suffered depression all my life. As a child, I was the youngest of 3. When I was in 2nd or 3rd grade, we moved out of state. My brother and sister stayed behind to finish high school, so it seems like I was an only child - my brother and sister were quite a bit older. For most of my life we moved every year, sometimes every 6 months because of my father's job. I was always the outsider, the one not accepted, the fat kid, on and on. So I think I learned that it was just easier to be by myself, not expect anything from anyone, and NEVER ask for anything. Now I'm 52 and feel like I am on a downward spiral. My Dr. says I need to do DBT which I am willing to do, but it seems like time has run out for me. I have no children, my brother, sister and father are still alive but they don't accept that I have depression and certainly don't want to hear about my problems. All they want to hear is sunshine. lollipops and rainbows (as the song goes). I lost my Mom 3.5 years ago and have realized that nobody loves me or can ever love me like she did, and now she's gone.

I am isolated, lonely (my husband is more like a room mate, no intimacy at all) and just cannot make any friends. It seems like the harder I try, the harder I am pushed away. I can't take REJECTION. So I am trying to learn and get insight so that I can have hope, because living like this - alone - is not living.

I am new and can't figure out how to post. I hope they will publish this because I really want to reach out and get help. Also, not sure how to use icons, so any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Just don't REJECT me!?!

I totally understand whitneys mom. I moved around a lot also because of my father's career and due to some family situations. I attended 16 schools, 8 of them high schools.

Now, in my work life, I have been moving constantly from one job to another. I am 47 now and have no retirement package waiting for me, no partner, and my two sons are about to leave the nest.

One thing I did learn in counselling last year was the distorted thought patterns of mine and I realized (or learned) of my self-fulfilling lifestyle. I suspected people would reject me so I avoided befriending people and when they tried to be nice to me, I was stand-offish and self absorbed. They would move on and I would gloat about being correct about them never sticking around. I especially have this problem with no trust of men and feeling very lonely now as my sons are grown and soon to begin life on their own.

My behaviour is very much self contained and my sons tell me that I seem too "occupied" to be approachable. I learned from years of isolation in my childhood how to amuse myself and rely on nobody else for things I wanted. Now, I am so self reliant, people move on and feel there is no room for them in my life. I also find it difficult to communicate with others because I am so used to doing things alone.

I now have to learn to approach people and ask questions to welcome them into my personal circle. This tells them I want their input on things. Even if I don't care, it opens communication. I can now joke with coworkers. I still do not date, but it is a beginning.