Hi. I hope there is hope

Hi, i am 22 and today i realised i am suffering from AvPD. I was happy to know that they have a name to what i feel and there are others who feel the same way. I mean if one can identify & name a disorder, they probably will be able to treat it too. But sadly, i see in this forum that its not that easy.
I joined this forum with sole purpose of communicating with someone who feels the same way that i do, to make me feel that i am not the only one to go through this, someone i can trust.

Hello Ajtgjm welcome to the forum! As you've no doubt seen, there's not a lot of traffic in this particular forum, but maybe if you post more about yourself others will emerge who can relate.

I'm with you on finally getting a name for the disorder, whether the options for treatment are limited or not, at least it still means having more direction when it comes to finding ways of dealing with it. Are you seeing a therapist or anyone at all to help you?

Hope you feel brave enough to keep posting

Torn

I am not seeing any therepist,i have considered this option though. Spending time and money + accepting that i have a psycological problem & letting someone treat me is something i cannot do.
I hide my problem under cover of lazyness. I spend a lot of time on my bed, and by a lot i mean 16-18 hrs a day at least. To escape reality and people around me, i spend time on internet, reading, movies, porn, sleeping etc. I took up smoking, drinking and drugs in attempt to communicate with people. I had a perception that if i am high, i will get courage and i will not have to think ten times before speaking a word.
Fear of rejection is soo deep routed in me that i do not make any friends. Total number of friends i have is two. I never recieve calls or reply to smses thinking that what i say will be misinterprted. I do not hang out with friends and my family thinks its out of lazyness. I do not attend college regularly and i am in blacklist every semester because of it. My roommates, college mates and teachers think that i do it because i am lazy and overconfident about studies. I never had a girlfriend. When someone touches me, i push them away. When i talk to anyone i think "maybe i am hurting them, maybe they are getting bored by me, maybe i am too negative and affecting them negatively, maybe i should not have come here in first place etc". I want to be normal. I am not weak,shy or timmid. I know i am strong,therefore every time i am broken i make another attempt to get up and ready to face another failure. Its just that i want to get up and ready face another success. Worse thing is that i soo much want to do things but i cannot. How can people be soo happy in company of others?? Why can i not? Its xmas today and i am alone in my hostel, away from family and friends, i know i should be out with people but i think i will regret being with people. In a couple of days it will be my birthday,then new year and i will be alone then too insted of partying. What should i do??

hi
I dont come here much. But I have AvPD. Did you know there are 2 established message board groups for people who live with AvPd? group online for people who have AvpD? you can find links to join both groups by going to avoidantpersonaliy .com ( I seperated the url address because I do not know if it is permissable to post it). Just look for the "msg board" tab near the top of the page. Maybe this will help. I used to go to the chatboards. They seemed very well run and productive as well as supportive.

(((( Ajtgjm )))) Wow yeah it sounds like you're having a really hard time at the moment. I hope you got through Christmas alright on your own, it's not a good time to isolate I don't think.

How sad that other people see your withdrawal as down to laziness or overconfidence - are you not able to talk to anyone about how you feel? I see you have two friends, are you not very close with them to the point where you could try talking a bit about how you're doing? It's a risk but can be worth it.

Sorry too that you don't feel up to seeing a T - while therapy isn't the universal panacea it might seem, it can be really helpful to have someone there on our side even if it's really hard to be comfortable with them.

Being on a forum like this can be a good and a not so high risk form of people contact too so good on you for posting. And thank god for the internet eh?

Sunsetsunrise thanks for the links to other AvPD boards. I've tried joining them and one seems not to be open at all (can't even see how to join) another might be defunct now as I've been waiting for weeks for confirmation of membership and can't get in, and the third one (the first on the list) doesn't have much traffic (lol not unusual given it's AvPD).

What are the chatboards, are they different from the messageboards?

Torn

their is always hope (and their i go... giving the advice i most hate to get myself!)

but really.

as long as you're alive and you are willing to try and change things, their is hope

I can totally understand using laziness as a cover. I had a friend in school who was so afraid of talking to people before classes that he would come to class late every day. One professor chewed him out in front of everyone, but he just kept doing it all three years. People thought he was lazy and just woke up late, but I saw him tucked away in a back hallway studying before classes. He preferred getting in trouble to uncomfortably sitting in class not knowing how to talk to people.

He still made it through school just fine, even though the one professor gave him a bad grade. Good for you if you keep going to school and trying; some people with the same issues quit trying at all.

I personally know what it's like to wish I could just enjoy being with people but not go because I think I will just regret it and be mad at myself later for how I acted. It puts you in a tough position. It feels really unfair that other people don't have to deal with these fears. I wish I could just be different. But for some people, it takes work.

A therapist at your school may have resources to help you besides traditional psychotherapy. They often have group meetings or workshops for people with social anxiety. Something like 4% of college students have some sort of social anxiety, and meeting people in small groups can help them work through it.

You could always try going to a counselor and quit if you don't find it helpful. I think one way some people avoid taking risks is by seeing things as all or nothing; you think "I can't follow through with the whole thing" or "I can't do it the normal way" so you don't try any of it. I know I have that problem big time.

I haven't found many helpful resources on AvPD, but there are great books about social anxiety that discuss ways to try to get over similar issues. AvPD is a more pervasive and longstanding condition, which is why it can help to work with a therapist to understand why you have certain feelings and behaviors.

I'm glad you're posting, and I hope it helps to open up and talk about it to people who understand. You are not the only person who feels this way.

Thank you very much for help and support.
I am starting to feel that its not that dark and lonely as i used to think.
I too go late every day, teachers make comments and whole class starts laughing, i fake a smile to cover up. In middle of a class, a teacher once told me "you look & think like an alien, like you dont belong here in this class and you are here by some mistake" Councelling is compulsery for students in blacklist so i had it many times. They always ask the same question, "Why? Why do you not attend college? " , i dont have any physical reason and i dont think they will understand the psycological reason so i dont explain.
On positive side, i have a healthy body, good height and physique, helpfull nature and a lot of knowldge of about anything(thanks to internet and books), this gives me good reputation and others approach me when they need help. This leads to some amount of social interaction and they make me feel comfortable. I will go home today and celebrate birthday and new year with my family and try making things better for myself. Thanks again.

Hey there Ajtgjm your last post sounds so much more positive, great to hear.

This sounds really good (but maybe not so good that you have a birthday at this time of the year, that must have been difficult when you were growing up?)

You know, if you are forced to see a counsellor at school, it might not be a bad idea to think about describing some of the reasons for your non attendance - they are after all trained to be non judgemental and to try and help you with emotional issues and if you're AvPD that's pretty debilitating, it might just be in your best interests to confide in one of them.

But even if you don't, it sounds like you have managed to construct a way of being that gives you some positive contact with people and that's great.

Happy birthday!

Torn