AvDP or NPD?

My therapist has told me that it seems like I have avoidant personality disorder, and said that it does not seem at all like I have narcissistic personality disorder. I was convinced of that, until I came across a link talking about how there are two types of narcissism: arrogant/overt narcissism and shy/covert narcissism. The type typically associated with narcissists is arrogant/overt narcissism and the description of shy/covert narcissism is VERY different from it. It actually overlaps a lot with AvPD.

As I read it, I actually noticed that a lot of it does describe me. I am extremely sensitive to criticism, my expectations in life are unfulfilled, I am vulnerable to stress, and I am extremely envious. The thing I don't really see is the grandiose fantasies. However, I don't know for sure that they aren't there, it says something about them being unconscious. Also, I feel like I do have a lot of empathy, which is something I heard narcissists don't have. However, I do tend to mostly think a lot about my own issues of personal adequacy. I have serious self-esteem issues and I am constantly obsessing over whether or not I am living up to my standards of how I should be.

Can anyone offer any insight about this?

How about asking your therapist about this? Also it’s my understanding that problems with “narcissism” may be something at the core of many of the personality disorders, not just narcissistic PD. I can understand if you don't want to ask a question that may seem like a "challenge" to your therapist -- but really it's your right AND responsibility (to yourself) to do that if you don't understand (and possibly don't agree) with what they have told you.

I am planning on asking her about it again.

I noticed you said that problems with "narcissism" are at the core of other personality disorders. By that, do you mean that NPD causes other disorders?

I tried to find a good reference on the internet but unfortunately could not. It’s my understanding that during normal development a baby/toddler needs someone or someones in their social environment to "mirror" them in order to get to know themselves, to get a sense of who they are and want to be. The need for the “mirrowing” and a healthy need to be seen (“Look at me!”) are natural in most children. That’s what I understand by “narcissism”. Most of this idea is from Heinz Kohut’s book Restoration of the Self, although of course I may have mangled his ideas badly. When things "go wrong" -- a child doesn't get enough mirrowing or their parents aren't good role models, for instance -- then the child's personality may not develop well. The 2007 book Disorders of the Self by Marshall Silverstein describes how Kohut's theory can be applied to personality disorders other than just NPD. In particular, he describes avoidant PD as an "unmirrrored self". My guess would be that your lack or unawareness of grandiose fantasies is consistent with that idea. Hope this helps, ignore if it doesn't. I probably had OCPD before I fell apart, most recently diagnosed with PDNOS although I'm making good progress on that. But this stuff is danged hard to deal with, that's for sure.