I think I have APD

I posted on another part of this forum a while ago thinking my problem was depression and guilt but since then I've come to the conclusion that my main problem is actually anxiety and that my problems are consistent with avoidant personality disorder. Almost every day i have a tight throat sensation from the anxiety and often it lasts most of the day with little let up.

Basically this problem has ruined my life. I think it started after a bad experience of bullying when I was about ten and since then I've suffered from social anxiety which has got worse and worse over the years. Through my teenage years I pushed various friends away and then in my twenties I basically became more and more withdrawn to the point where I now have no friends and spend almost all my time in my room and rarely go out in public. However even though I avoid people as much as possible i still feel lots of anxiety, pretty much everyday.

I'm now in my late twenties and I don't want to waste any more of my life but I don't really know how to change things. At the moment I keep a journal for expressing and working out my feelings and use some relaxation techniques to ease the anxiety. Although I think this has helped me I'm not sure if it's enough to really help me to overcome this problem. I suppose I'm just hoping people here might have some advice.
Thanks for reading.

Welcome to the crew. Keeping a journal is a good idea. It's really difficult for us to self diagnose or diagnose others. It's hard enough for docs. Sorry about your anxiety. As u prolly know anxiety is present with many different illnesses. It's also difficult to separate the effects of depression with other categories. You may have APD or just depression with anxiety. Or some thing else. Best to let the doc figure that out for u. Meanwhile enjoy the forum, lot of good people here.

When I said I "think" I have APD, I really meant I'm pretty much certain. The symptoms of it describe almost perfectly the numerous problems I have, so I'm not really asking for advice on whether I have it or not.

I know going to see a professional would be the most sensible thing to do but that's easier said than done when just going out in public makes me feel terrible anxiety. I think I need help just dealing with the anxiety first and then maybe I'll feel more able to go and see a doctor or therapist about it.

I think Indie might have been basing their response because of the title of the thread. I tend to have my thoughts on a thread based on the title - as that tends to say what it's about. Yours made me think that you were looking for validation as to whether or not others here think you might have AvPD.

Now that I know (through your second post) that you're looking for advice on how to cope with things, well... I'll try to give you my thoughts and how I went about things when I was younger. (I'm 29 right now, but I started to work on my social issues at a pretty early age!)

I couldn't stomach people always wanting me to either talk more, or talk less (this is probably how the bipolar showed itself when I was younger to at least some degree). I couldn't figure out the perfect balance so that I could just fit in.

I started out by just BEING somewhere. Not really working on interacting, but by learning how to simply be somewhere and be comfortable there on my own. I am still working with this challenge, over a decade later! I have a hard time getting over the annoying unrealistic belief that everyone else is watching me and juding me for being alone.

I can recognize that it is UTTERLY ridiculous and self-centered to think that... and yet I always worry about it anyway. That just one person will be judging me. I tend to combat that with "Well, they won't ever see me again so it's ok". Hence why I can do things like going out an eating a meal solo... but not in whatever town I live in, because there's a chance I'd see them again. Haven't quite figured out how to get over that hurdle, but at least I'm making some progress.

As to social aspects... it's hard to do! I tend to talk to people I work with, and eventually meet other people through them. I'm not brave enough to join classes to meet people with similar interests, but it'd be a great way to start forming friendships. It's not like you'd HAVE to talk to them right away, but as you get familiar in the environment you'd find it easier to open up again.

Umm. As to how to start trusting people and things like that? I actually have no idea.

((On my own personal note.... I think the level of difficulty I am having in trying to be helpful to you sorta strengthens my own beleif that yes, Avoidant fits me)).

Welcome to PC btw!

Yes I see now the title was a tad misleading and sorry if my reply seems a bit brusque.

I can really relate to the experience you describe of feeling like everyone is focusing on you and judging you, I have that feeling massively in any public place or social situation I'm in. In my case i tend to feel anxious that people are judging me for my appearance, as I have longer hair than most men. If i have to talk to people I feel anxious that they'll ask me about my life and then judge me for how messed-up and unproductive it is.

I also have that experience of feeling more anxious about doing things in my local area than in somewhere further away. The more anonymous I am the less anxious I feel, the better known I am the more anxious I feel. I always try to keep all relationships at a distance so people can never really get to know me because I feel they'll only judge me and reject me. Even on the internet I avoid making friends or becoming friendly with people because it makes me too anxious.

You mentioned joining a class, I had thought about doing that. In fact there was a class I wanted to join quite recently which I had waited for nearly a year to become available but in the end the anxiety got the better of me and didn't sign up. It's the story of my life really.

I totally get it.

Even people who I'm fairly close to... well... I don't really trust them. I might go through all the actions of trusting someone... but I don't. I don't confide anything to them that is really too personal to me - only things that I know how to handle on my own or have already sorted out. I also keep my friendships sorta separated by where I am in my bipolar cycle.

I found that the best way for me to handle the anxiety of being judged... was to do the very best I could to fit in. So I look and dress pretty average, and I am quite friendly and appear to be very social and outgoing.

I'm sorry that you weren't able to join that class I hope that it starts up again and that you could be successful in going to it!! What sort of class was it?

I'm new here and believe I too have APD. I felt a lot better since coming here. Welcome

I so know what you mean about the class. I even wimped out on classes ON-LINE which really makes me annoyed with myself. I am sure that if you keep at it, you will do much better than I did. God bless.

Being an Avoidant is not a death sentence. At least it does not have to be. Im assuming based on what you said of not having any friends that you are not in a relationship.

Having friends is hard. Being in a relationship is even harder. But social skills are something that we must learn. And in order to learn social skills, you have to be around people.

You know, for me, I cant even remember my 20's. I joined the military when I was around 24 or so. I try hard to forget my experiences in the military.

Professionals seems to enjoy wanting Avoidants to relive their past over and over and over. While there is benefit to learning from our mistakes and recognizing pasterns of rejection and anxiety, at some point, it has to be let go.

In order to find healing, these hurts from our past need to be healed once and for all. It seems that most every Avoidant that I have talked to has a similar story to tell. Some event in their past either caused the Avoidant issues or magnified them hugely.

We have to find healing from these hurts, or at least learn to not let them bother us and dictate our future. Avoidant hurts run very very deep.

I know how hard it is to want to meet people and talk to people. I am an Avoidant too. But ya know, its what has to happen if we are to find any level of healing.

In one of my favorite movies, Bob was told by his doc to take Baby Steps. If you dont have friends, and even get physically ill (also seems to be common to Avoidants) its just plain dumb
to just go to a bar or some other place where there are hundreds of people and expect to make a friend.

Einstein said that to keep doing the same things over and over expecting different results is the definition of insanity. And we sure dont need another bad label heaped on us.

So take things slow. Life to an Avoidant goes in slow motion. Fixes that can take a few days or months is a normal persons life might take years in an Avoidant life.

Maybe start with just saying Hi to someone you dont know. Then if it seems to click, maybe try calling that person next. Or email or something like that. Then eventually work up to asking that person to coffee.

I love the show 'The Big Bang Theory". This is a show about nerds for nerds. They seems to have social issues. Especially Sheldon. I see a lot of myself in him.

I love his Friendship Algorithm. Its pretty well done. Point it. Try Baby Steps. Dont expect miracles overnight. Dealing with being an Avoidant takes time and patience.

Try to find someone to talk to that you can trust. Writing is huge, like you are doing. I started a blog some 3 years ago. It has helped a lot.