Hi im new

My name is Vivian. I have AVPD, and have had a lot of problems because of it, as far back as i can remember.

In school i used to live in a fantasy world, imagining ideal relationships, but i didnt know how to make real friends. I was bullied a lot.
The bullying continued through high school and college, and i withdrew completely, and didnt ever say anything in class.

At home i also isolated from my family, and kept them at a distance, because i was so shameful of being bullied.
My family didnt seem to care, and just let me stay in my room all day.
I started reacting with anger towards my mother, to keep her away from me. (couldnt handle anyone being close to me), and she responded by hitting me, and telling me i was crazy.

When i finished college, i was too scared of other people to have a job or continue my education, so i just stayed as much in my apartment as possible. Mostly in bed, daydreaming about having friends and a boyfriend who could love me.

I met a man online, who had never had a girlfriend either, so i somehow thought he was safe, and wouldnt hurt me. I needed him to manage the outside world for me, and make desicions, and take responsibility that i was afraid to take. Of course i somehow thought he would live up to my idealized fantasies, and he would be grateful to have me, and never look towards other girls. My self esteem was so low that i needed someone who didnt as much as look at other girls, or i would be devastated.

After having 2 children i caught him one day on online dating sites. (when i found out how to look in the history of a computer). He also watched a lot of porn, and he had met with other girls. I was crushed. I was now convinced that nobody could ever love me, i was simply not loveable for anyone, not even a "loser", who i thought would be glad to have me.

I still lived with him for years, because i could not believe i was cabable of handling my life. We didnt touch each other ever, there was no intimacy, and i was hiding everything about myself, since i didnt trust him.

I completely forgot who i was, since i didnt have any friends either, and i spent every living hour hiding who i was to everyone. I daydreamed as much as i possibly could, and i started playing world of warcraft to have some kind of a social life.

I met another man there, and i fell in love. He was also a "safe" type.
Shortly after i recieved my early retirement (dont know what its called, but hope you understand. English is not my first language).
I am still with this guy, but i dont know how to let him in. I am too scared. But still i need him so that i am not completely alone. I also need him to take care of my kids, so that at least they have one healthy adult in their life.

But i am so much in pain every day. I am excruciatingly lonely, and i have no friends at all. i cant work, and i simply dont know how to make friends. I am too scared of judgement or being humiliated, so if i ever happen to talk to anyone, i am completely defensive from the beginning, and only answer as short as possible. Nobody makes friends that way, but i dont know how to change it.

I long for having friends, and i wish i could have an education and a job. It breaks my heart, that my life ends this way. I also want to be able to let my boyfriend in, and trust him, and let him love me. But i simply cant see any good qualities in myself at all, so how could i ever trust his love??

This is my story.

Hugs all

Vivian

Welcome

Hi, Vivian. Glad you found Psych Central. It's a very supportive and friendly site. We have lots of forums to choose from. I so sorry that your life has not worked out the way you wanted it to. You are not alone. Mine hasn't either. You didn't mention if you have ever seen a counselor, but it would be a good idea because a counselor could help you with your low self-esteem. It is good that you could share your story with us. Take a look around and post when you feel the urge. Hope you find what you are looking for.

Welcome to pc

Hello Vivian and welcome. I am so sorry you are hurting as you are; we all have our struggles and surely you will find some comfort here with those of us who can so well understand and empathize.