Doing things when you have to + ranting

I am pretty sure I am Avoidant, but I am able to carry out basic tasks when they are necessary. I am just very stiff and give scripted types of answers to things that most people say. Occasionally I am able to say something spontaneous or attempt to make a joke in response to a specific comment, but very rarely. I stay at home other than work, but mainly I always have to go to the store for beer and/or cigarettes (6 pack + pack of cigarettes per day habit) so I guess maybe addiction makes it much more "necessary" and therefore sufferable.

I always go to the same local beer stores but mainly I just try not to engage the clerks other than the normal pleasantries... I feel that this becomes odd when you've been going there for a couple years and still the conversation is always robotic. There is no deeper or more casual rapport developed, other than maybe smiling and nodding more at the guy who is nicer to me and tries to be friendly. But the only things I will really say to the nicer people that I see a lot would be "hey, how are you doing man?" (accompanied with upward nod) or "hey, man" (accompanied with upward nod) and maybe two other slight variations (both including"man", both with accompanying upward nods). I mostly say "not too bad" in response to any kind of how are you question.

Always just being polite, saying "please" after requesting my brand of cigarettes, saying thank you or "you too" if they say have a nice night. Done. Still feel a little awkward dealing with the same people and having to develop some kind of ongoing relationship with them, but I am able to kind of ignore it and do it again the next day even though it's always uncomfortable (unless I'm feeling down and ****** and like I just don't care how I am coming across, which is kind of a continuum that gauges how hopeless and distant I am feeling).

I don't want anyone to say "we can't diagnose you" or "drinking and smoking is not a good way to deal with mental problems" please.

I am wondering to what degree people here are able to force themselves to do everyday tasks. I think I am pretty good at forcing myself to complete these tasks while dissociating from the situation. Or course I avoid all the interactions that are not necessary though (not resorting to internet food and beer delivery yet).

I think my anxiety in these situations often just turns into dissociation so I can just drift through the event and then once it's done I can pretty much dismiss it and mostly forget it ever happened. Maybe this is a result of always forcing myself to do things because I have always wanted some level of independence despite the fact that I hate having to deal with the people necessary to accomplish any level of independence.

There should be a "happy face blowing its brains out" emoticon that I could use here but I don't see one in the list (really cute hug ones available though).

I'm a pro at pretending. So... even when I'm terrified, I'll look and sound fine and socialable. I've had a lot of practice at how to do it when I've been in a hypomanic state, so I can imitate it the rest of the time.

I also got sick and tired of people always telling me to do more of X, Y, Z, so I started practicing it when I was younger. I'm still not always very comfortable.. but I can get through the situations and I can sound and act pleasant (and even confident!) while doing so.

The only reason I get out of bed in the morning is to keep my job so I don't starve my kids or lose their medical insurance. Plus I need money for my internet connection and supplies for my electronic cigarette.