[Tiamat]

My daily routine goes like this:

Wake up. Look at the kitchen, cringe because it's full of beer / soda / empty whiskey bottles from my dad and brother and I immediately go away, skipping breakfast in favor of the computer. It's a gateway to the outside world without actually experiencing it.

Go over my social group's things. Currently I run a roleplaying guild in an MMORPG (World of Warcraft) where we come up with characters and cooperate on the writing and creation of stories. It's an escape, and I put my soul into these stories so that it does not have to suffer the fighting in the household outside.

Once the guild is taken care of, I poof. Put my contact lists on invisible mode/etc and just avoid things as long as I can for the silence. Even get absorbed in a different game where I can have my own little world.

I eat only when my stomach demands it, and drink water constantly to keep it somewhat satisfied.

Then, when this routine is over, I simply go to sleep.

I've always had a hard time obtaining and keeping any sort of job because of my social anxiety, but I believe the APD is an addition to that anxiety. Jobs get started and when I'm starting to do well, I'll panic and quit or get fired from missing work while I hid away at home. This got my boyfriend of 6 years to dump me a few years ago and it's still a sore spot.

I suppose what it comes down to, in a way, is a severe lack of confidence or belief that I can do what I need to do, or that I can finish something. Nothing I ever start even gets finished, and often when a story is going well in my guild, I'll find myself REALLY wanting to get away from it, even though it's something I enjoy. Perhaps it's even a disassociation with the self, because I'm so far in the clouds that reality is just plain scary.

This all just comes down to a couple of questions.

How do I pull myself out of the clouds without scaring myself so much that I decide to fly away again? How do I make something more of myself before I sink with the rest of the family?

[ADDithers]

Travel. That'll force you out of your shell & broaden your horizons. If you think you can't afford it, make it a priority - don't buy any useless toys. You'll be surprised how you can save enough for a. Plane ticket to who knows where.

[arachnophobia.kid]

This hits me hard, reading this, I don't like that you are suffering but it's also nice to see that there are people I can relate to.

As for your questions, I'm not sure how to answer them. I like the part of me that wants to be alone all the time and I do my best to nourish it. I feel that by accepting that part of myself and taking care of it the best way I can makes having to deal with the rest of my life a lot easier.

But it seems like you just don't want to be this way at all. If that's the case I think the only way to do it is to just keep getting out there, it's going to be uncomfortable and it's going to hurt but unfortunately I think the only way we can learn to cope with those emotions is by allowing ourselves to experience them. Get out of your routine, try new things, let things happen to you even if you are unsure of them. I hope you can find some peace.