Question:

I'd rather have the old lady... she could also tell all those hooligans to get away.

Having something I wanted in front of me tends to make me either frustrated or feel hopeless. haha.

Now.... things that I "need" to do? Those are motivation and I will work towards those. I had to finish highschool so I could go to university and I had to finish university so that I could get the f*** out of dodge, and I wanted to move to England so I had to move by myself and I wanted to say I could go on vacation on my own so I had to learn how to eat out in a restaurant by myself...

So yeah, my bigger wants or things I deem I need to do are what get me to do the other, smaller things, that terrify me.

Yeah, the things that I really need to do are the only things that motivate me lately. And it's not so much actual intrinsic motivation as knowing you have to so begrudgingly doing it. I am not devoid of feelings like a schizoid, but I think there may be other things wrong me... maybe mild asperger's or a schizoid-ish defense mechanism of apathy, because I have taken really bad care of myself for many years now... like a few months back I didn't take a shower for 7-8 full days (normally maybe every 2-4 days unless I have to go to some event).

I don't brush my teeth regularly, like probably 4 times a week on average but sometimes not for 3-4 days straight. Somehow I rarely get cavities though.

And sometimes I just don't eat if there's nothing around that sounds appetizing, and when I am eating an appropriate volume of food I generally eat unhealthily.

I just don't have the motivation and don't seem to care. Maybe it's just depression, but even when I'm feeling kind of hypomanic (go through phases like that, although not sure if I'm actually BPII) my energy is focused only on a particular task and I still don't seem to care about basic hygiene or other "life upkeep" things that everyone else just does and doesn't think about.

Maybe it's the classic semi-subconscious reason for avoidants not to make themselves look good, to prevent other people from approaching you or whatever. And maybe it's just depression like many people would say or assume, but it's not just when I'm feeling especially down or anything and I never let the 100% necessary things derail my life (earn money, pay bills, pay rent), which someone with major depression would presumably do.

I know I'm getting somewhat off the topic of motivation, but it all goes back to only being motivated to do what I absolutely have to in order to pay rent, stay alive, and sit on my ***** in relative peace. I think I just have no dreams or aspirations, no vision for a better future, no compelling reason to try to improve anything at all. I'm guessing you guys don't experience this because it's not a typical AvPD thing, but thanks for listening to me rant about it.

I have worked for over 25 years in an office full of successful, driven people (OK, not 100% full, I'm there). Not a day goes by where I don't interface with multiple people who I consider to be more successful, secure and happy than I am. Their children go to better schools, they take more and better vacations, and their spouses are more supportive.

Really, I should have changed jobs, if not careers, years ago. But that would require me to create a resume with my impressive accomplishments and to tell prospective employers that they will be lost without my magnificent insights and experience. That I cannot do, because I don't believe it.

The MAOIs do not help with these perceptions, but they keep me on task so that I can continue to churn out marginally useful work product that keeps groceries on the table.

There is more, but there would be no point in typing it.

I feel disconnected from people. I don't pick up on social signals. I can't t relate to everyday things and only feel free from judgment when I am alone. I don't feel the need to put on the smile all the time when I am alone. It feels too stressful when I am with others because I don't know that role. I am not prepared for the complicated answers people may want from me.

I feel exactly the same way as you. I've tried really hard to fit in over the years in vain... because I wanted to be a part of things or be normal or whatever. Always ended up feeling stupid and weird. But now I've accepted I'm socially strange and sick of feeling awkward in front of people and I've just accept it isn't worth it for me so I'm mostly a recluse. In retrospect I've been faking it in front of others for a long time (still do when I have to socialize, wearing "the mask").

I feel judged all the time - when I'm watchin TV and I can hear my neighbors laughing on the porch I feel judged like they're laughing at me.

Even if the neighbours are laughing at you, so what? They most likely are not, but if they are, f*** 'em!

To answer the original question, I find that the most difficult thing socially is small talk. I really can't see the point in it and it bores me to tears. Maybe that's why I don't seem to be very good at it!

I really, really dislike going to parties. You're expected to make mundane small talk and converse with new people in whom you have no interest whatsoever. No, I don't care what you do for a living, nor where you're going on your next vacation, or how well your kid is doing in school. Why on earth would I?

Talking about things that are actually interesting and on a deeper level intellectually, such as philosophical debate for example, does not bore the pants off me. But try introducing something like that at parties - it'll clear a room faster than a can of CS gas.

I guess I'm just not a conversationalist. I can't see the point in spouting on about any old cr@p just to have something to say. It's like the Talking Heads song, "If I ain't got nothing to say, my lips are sealed. Say something once, why say it again?".

I'm good at small chat.

The point of it is to get to know someone else a bit - to sort out who you have common interests with, and who you might be able to form a bond with. While talking about work you can learn a lot about a person - are they passionate about something? What is their skill set? Are they motivatedto have gotten their position, or do they just take what they can get?

You can find out a lot about someone... like me? Personally? I value stability and dedication. I thus have a stable job that requires a lot of dedication on my part (teaching). I would not be interested in getting to know someone (in a dating sense) who is working a minimum wage job and who did not pursue any further education besides highschool - I also have a value on motivation and passion.

When you're talking about someone's interests and hobbies, you also learn a lot. Do they like the same activity as you? Then you might want to spend more time with them. Are they involved in a lifestyle that doesn't mesh with yours? (Like say, from chatting you can figure out if they go out drinking all the time. If that's not your thing, you wouldn't be intersted in knowing them more).

It's a simple tool. It also lets someone know if someone else is interested in getting to know them - I know that when someone is talking about something that bores me, no matter how hard I try that will come across in the conversation. They and I will likely not engage in many more conversations. If someone shows no interest in the topics I bring up (travel is definitely one for me), then I will lose interest in that person and have no desire to talk to them again.

It's hard when you're shy and don't like small talk - but if you have no interest in getting to know the basics about someone, they'll have no motivation to let you know them on a deeper level because you've already shown them that you don't like them. No one likes to be rejected, and once rejected people won't engage again. Especially about topics that are a lot more personal then the basic facts about them.

Yes! people say "You can talk to anybody!" example if I happen to be at a store I can strike up a conversation with someone...as long as it doesn't last more than 10 minutes or so. I don't know them, they do not know me and I will probably never see them again. Anxiety starts and I move on quickly !

Hello gypsy pink wow I am spinning out here! I have never met anyone who could relate to my bizarreness before let alone also experience it!! I am exactly the same social little butterfly with strangers for a very very short time...after that I have got to get out of there!! Have you found any ways to extend your social window?...also do you suffer afterwards? I feel exhausted, down and drained...you?

Great to meet you and thanks for posting

It's almost amazing,never have I related to another human this MUCH!
Everything you said describes my life perfectly,I have the exact same behaviors!
But I too am torn in hesitation sometimes,often did I find myself confused on the matter of being depressed,it feels like I'm depressed during those heavy ''down'' periods then again it doesn't seem to make sense fully.
Maybe I'm not worthy of being depressed,maybe I'm just a ****** human being?or maybe this is just how I am,maybe it is something else.Only today did I found I have AvDP.I never related this much to people's behaviors and thought process.I am not alone....in this fate of a slow hell,that eats at you slowly.
Back to you,less narcissism,I do have one exception on one of your points.
Even though I stopped school,even though I stayed at home for the past year achieving literally nothing,I have big dreams,I believe I can do almost anything if I put my entire mind and will to it.Which just torns me,as I watch my days go bye,myself getting older,as I watch all these successful actors and youtubers,I read about all those people with awesome jobs,I get torn because I genuinely believe I can do something epic with my life.
Instead I'm just wasting it.Like I've wasted my high school years,like I've wasted so many social relationships,I wasted everything,I live in a first world country yet I can't do a single ****ing thing with my life.

Sorry for the long post,back to your post.I really want to convey though,I completely relate to your post!As in I do the exact same,it's that much.
I'm sorry for the quality of my post,it's my first post here so I selfishly included stuff about me even though I was supposed to discuss your post.Now the post is getting even longer,I fear l will annoy people with my unnecessary long post,I do feel very selfish for talking so much about me.
Now I'm probably just trying to intentionally 'show'' just how 'crazy' I am too,trying to fit in as always,its pathetic,but I do because I guess that's what this forum is about,for people like us to express our inner selves shed some light and warmth on each other's path that is most certainly a very dark,nervous and lonely path...what am I a poet?Enough.I'm sure this is not a typical post and not how most posts are,for that sorry.I should stop taking this post like my ''dairy''.Stop.

It's a damn shame that we couldn't have something better in common

Thanks for the post, man - I don't think most people here have problems like the ones I was talking about so it's good to know someone here can relate to it. You don't have to worry about talking about yourself too much, we are all here to discuss our issues and relate to each others issues and so forth and you post wasn't too long either.

I have a long, rich history of living in relative squalor and neglecting self-care, haha. I guess a lot of it probably good old fashioned depression and apathy but it seems like something else is at work too for various reasons...

I don't really ever feel "depressed" in the way of being sad and feeling like crying or whatever. More just like numb and apathetic and disconnected from other people. I know at least part of it is depression though.

Have you tried anti-depressants? Paxil has helped me with social anxiety and somewhat with depression in the past... I actually just started taking it again. It sounds like you're reasonably young and still have the drive and will inside of you to really make something happen with your life. If you can, get out there and do it! The older I get the more I realize that I pretty much have failed at my life. I know it's never too late and all of that, but it certainly doesn't get easier the older you get...

True my post wasn't that long actually,but I was under the impression it was huge when I was writing it!
I have had thoughts many times indeed about anti-depressants.I read about people who used anti-depressants and just felt great afterwards,that'd be nice.But then that would mean I'd have to convince some professional that I do need anti-depressants.If there's anything I hate it's trying to get people to pity me.Sounds like a pain to get .

You're right though I have to try and make something of my life!
I do really believe it's never to late to try and make something of your life,but for some reason I hold myself at a stricter standard as I do with everything.
I don't think I'd have the courage to go through life at let's say 25/26 I'm still living with my mother doing nothing all day.I have too much pride and I'm so intensely sensible to shame its just not possible.If it doesn't work out,I sign off.

Now I definitely don't mean life is not worth living if you haven't made something of yourself by 25,I don't want to discourage anyone,I just believe some people are stronger then others,I'm too weak,I'd be crushed by the pressure of what society wants me to be.
That's why I have so much respect for people who have been dragged down by life so much yet still have fire & hope in their hearts.

I can't be the only one who hates phone calls?

Seriously. I loathe them. There is something... inhuman about them to me. It feels like it's... not right. Like it's wrong. Like they shouldn't happen. Social cues are hard enough! Jeez louise. Then someone, somewhere, had to add the pressure of speaking to people who you can't even look at... Like, online it's different. There's no pressure because you don't have to know when to shut up, or when to speak, or when to laugh. But phones are hard. I already never know when to shut up, or when to speak, or when to laugh... and then some genius thought speaking, by voice, on a phone would be the norm. And then some other genius's decided we ought to all have to do it. For work, for school, to live.

Well, I'd like to show those genius's where they can shove it...

Phones, in short. That's what's toughest for me. I avoid phone calls for weeks at a time. I still haven't called that surgeon about my gallbladder. I take ages to call to make therapy appointments. And having to call my counselor at the school? Forget-about-it.

I actually PREFER face to face and get frustrated when people assume phone will be easier. No. No thank you. You can keep your stupid phones. Even if that makes me a 'technology left behind'.

OSFED|MDD/PPD|GAD|gender dysphoria|AvPD

I am with you 101% Bronzeowl....hate the things....I'm with you anytime you want some support re genius's and shoving

Cheers 101

With you on the phones bronzeowl. I stress out sooooo much about making phone calls. Like... it's an achievement to book an appointment.

I always feel like I'm wasting someone's time or like they're going to be annoyed with me for calling (even for appointments, where that's their job!). I feel like I'm going to sound like an idiot, and I worry that I won't be able to hear someone clearly and piss them off by asking them to repeat themselves.

If I have to make an important call... I often have to work myself up for it for days and days. Sometimes I need to have a friend nearby to help me get through the call. In the past I have actually had friends call and pretend to be me because I couldn't do it. And kept friends around with all the information I needed to convey just in case I broke down and couldn't keep the conversation going.

Having had years of practice now, I can manage the phone. I haven't had anyone pretend to be me for years, even though there's been times that I've still asked someone to be ready for that.

Yeah. I hate them.

Same, Bronze.

I hate phone calls. Always have. It took my mom till I was 19 to make my first phone call to a doctor. Phone calls don't seem right. I run out of things to say. Then there is that inevitable silence where you just end up coughing/clearing your throat as you're tempted to just hang up. But that's not socially "acceptable", so you can't do that.

I hate face to face too, honestly. I am not a fan of communication unless it's text based. I become to concerned with so much when it's a verbal conversation that I don't even realize what I am talking about.

The most minutes I've used on my phone was a solid 5, and that was when I was moving and needed to change accounts.

I did the same as A Red Panda ^^ many people pretended to be me over the years. Thank god for a unisex name.

It is definitely refreshing to see I'm not alone in it. I have done that, as well. Have people pretend to be me. My mom has done it for years. Unfortunately, as she's gotten older, it's gotten harder and harder for her to pass as someone in her 20's.

I still haven't reached the point where I can manage the phone. Hopefully I will one day. It would be nice. I buy cell phones a lot, but I always end up not using them and 'losing' them (they get lost on purpose a lot :P ). Of course, this leads to me awkwardly trying to explain why I don't have a phone to doctors, or therapists, or instructors. Which can be very uncomfortable, too.

(Someone who is in their 20's saying All this new fangled technology is annoying doesn't seem... right)

I feel best with text based communication, too. Though I do admit, I am prone to 'avoiding' reading PMs and profile comments on forums and FB for days on end sometimes. Why I do that, I could not tell you.

The awkward coughing/clearing your throat was always just the worst. At that point, I admit, I'm one to make up a reason to hang up just so I can get the heck off the phone.

OSFED|MDD/PPD|GAD|gender dysphoria|AvPD

I never lose my phone on purpose, but last time it broke I didn't get a new one for like 2 months - it was great not having one, felt like freedom.

I still have a flip phone and plan to indefinitely - it's the least "connected" I can be while still having a phone number (plus way cheaper). Someone jokingly advised me to get a "big boy phone" a while back.

how I can relate....it toke me an entire year to install skype after my grandma asked me for it.
she's an awesome grandma and she lives in another country that's why I promised her several times I'd do it yet...something held me back brutally.

I used to find calls horribly awkward but I got over dat with a mentality to make em as short as possible,but skype calls with the camera?just flatout horrible.
I told myself I'd call my grandma once a week,but it went like this,finally call her on skype,a month goes by,I feel guilty during the entire month,call her,a week goes by and I start feeling guilty about it.everytime I have a chance I just ''next time'' it,I don't know if anyone else has made these skype camera calls,there's some sort of huge dread surrounding it for me even tho I'm somewhat fine with phonecalls now.

but then again am I really fine with phonecalls?I just usually just call my parents or some company for a service,I haven't made any ''social'' calls in years,its a bit easy now.

Talking on the phone is terrifying and I try to avoid it.