Question:

I dont like talking on the phone (or in general) but what I hate the most is sitting still around a tabel and only talk. I was at a job interview today and he asked me; "describe yourself" "what would your friends say about you, what do you do on your sparetime?"

I dont think my fairytale story held up

Maybe this isn't quite my diagnosis, but I put on a great act of outgoing and chatty. But all the while I'm just faking connection with the other person or people. I try to be alone as much as possible and really do prefer it. I don't get lonely. In my private life I have Inner Child problems where my inner kid is very young, maybe 3 to 7. In therapy, I'm scared out of my socks. I'm afraid the T will just say to go take care of my kid and not bother her with it anymore. I haven't even been able to mention yet how much I love and need my therapist. But that is my true self below the fakery.

But I've read a lot on this, and I have faith that gradually my inner kid will allow care and approval from the T, and gradually will grow up. We don't have to review every rejection or neglect I ever had, but sufficiently in token form. I think that the final resolution of a Transference relationship is a place the patient arrives at and feels comfortable with. I would go over this with any new therapist to see if he or she ascribes to this nurturing kind of therapy.

This is why I'm scared to go for a job. Because I'm not sure "I have no identity" and "I have no friends, and I stare at a computer for several hours a day" would look good in the interview.

OSFED|MDD/PPD|GAD|gender dysphoria|AvPD

From a social standpoint, being put on the spot to speak and authority figures (particularly at work).

From a life standpoint, the self-disgust, the excruciating pain of rejection, and the lack of a support system. I also hate other people's denial and self-defense mechanisms (kind of jealous that I don't have them).

I'm sure you have some defense mechanisms - everyone does and especially people with mental health problems. Maybe you just have the more unhealthy ones like me and not the "good" ones.

Welcome to the forum! I hope you find some help and support here (you will). And keep posting in the AvPD forum because nobody ever posts here so please post to make it more interesting and active. Case in point - you probably thought it was relatively new since it wasn't far down the list, but the other thread you posted on was actually 3 months old

I so identify with you all!...we have so much in common, let's go on a vacation together in a travel trailer!!!just kidding...very sick joke! But, seriously, I have the same situation, don't want to be with anybody long, would rather go shop in someplace nobody recognizes me. I don't fear people. In fact, I can put on such a good act of friendly that I disgust even myself. I read Dale Carnegi's book "How to win Friends and Influense People", so learned just what to say and not to say, to be chatty and not reveal a thing about myself. I don't like myself very much for being such a hypocrite. But I have gotten so I can say no to invitations, usually.
I'm having therapy for this, have been for a year but only somewhat better. One thing I've discovered is that as long as I have a T to talk to every week, I can give more to others and be more sociable. Maybe I just need to do therapy the rest of my life. Go from one T to another and get my own needs met first, then I can care about someone else. I really don't think that would be immoral, do you? And who cares a flip if I become a perpetual patient?