Question:

Socially what's the most difficult thing you face as an avoidant? The most challenging?

For me, the most difficult thing is if I am the centre of attention and it's about ME. That's a big difference between just being the centre of attention.

Explanation:

I can be on stage and run a talent show. No problem. It isn't about me - it's about the kids in the talent show. And everyone in the school knows me.

I cannot go out and do things for my birthday. It's about me. It feels fake and uncomfortable. I worry about people I don't even know noticing and thinking I'm horrible and why would anyone want to be out somewhere with me? I think the people who would attend are doing it out of guilt and not because they want to.

Also: if I'm "learning" something or doing something I'm not used to, I don't want to be there. Like going bowling or anything like that - I might like the activity and might desperately want to take part and enjoy it... but I'll be pretty miserable when I'm out.

Rejection. If I could only get over feeling like I'm going to die if and when I'm rejected, then maybe I could have a pretty normal life.

I've seemed to have gotten used to everything else that used to bother me…maybe I'm really not AvPD anymore?

1. When someone springs something on me late notice.

I like to stick to a routine. I go to work each day looking forward to getting home and being alone, and I cherish my weekends because it allows me to recover from the week. Every once a while though someone will ask what I am doing that evening/day and I will feel obligated to be honest, tell them I have no plans, and then they will ask me to join them in whatever they're doing. At which point I will feel obligated to join them, so I will, I will pretend to be happy for them and then I won't feel rested until the next time I am alone. Sometimes those instances can make my frustrated and angry for days.

2. Travelling with people

The absolute worst is when someone wants me to come to their cottage for the weekend or go on vacation for a while. The people who have traveled with me see the worst side of me, I get so angry and moody, and when I am travelling I have a particularly hard time pretending I'm okay because there is so little time for me to recover. I may get some short span of time alone in the hotel or something but that is not nearly enough and certainly not as satisfying as being in my own space.

People are the most challenging thing. I love people and I want to be with people. But the Avoidant in me does not like people and does not want to be around them.

Though the root of this is Fear and Rejection. The Avoidant does not want to be around people because he does not want to risk rejection and fears getting hurt.

Fear is not of God. Of course that is easy to say. Its easy to say to just get over it and deal.

Its a lot easier said than done. Its has taken years to get healing. I am still not there. Though I wonder where "There" is.

Some days I win and some days the Avoidant wins. My hope and prayer is that I will have more days when I win than the Avoidant.

honestly just general socialization, is difficult for now....

like I can't always tell that things I say are hurtful to other people and I don't think about what I say before I actually say it aloud.

and every time I do something I feel is wrong it makes me automatically just feel like I don't want or need friends in my life at all.

which really just feeds in the issue even more.

Hi fellow avoiders

I'm strange in that I'm social as with strangers as long as it's for a very short time frame. After that I'm totally done.

Except for the little hellos at shops and out and about I pretty much have no desire to take interactions further.

It's like I have this tiny window where I feel safe with a person and then after that no more talking or I am in freak out land.

Anyone else relate?

PTSD101: I think know what you mean. A quick and simple one-time interaction is not so hard for me but I don't want it to go further. Like, if you see the same person at a shop every day then you're supposed to develop some kind of deeper interaction with them and acknowledge that you are connected to some degree because you see them every day or several times every week or whatever. This makes me much more uncomfortable than if I were to go into a shop where I know nobody and don't expect to return any time soon.

I love anonymity - it makes me feel comfortable. Repeated or extended interaction starts to shatter my wall of anonymity and it makes me uncomfortable. I think that's the opposite of how humans are supposed to be unfortunately... you should feel more comfortable with specific people over time, not less.

You nailed it! That's it exactly!! What the hell is that about? No that's not the right question is it.

How the hell do you get to the place where you WANT to change that?

I'm with you anonymous all the way.

For me just being around people is a huge challenge because of how I feel when I'm around them. I always, always never feel good enough! I feel like people know that I am not like them. Like I am not worthy of their time or conversation. I never feel smart enough or interesting enough. I just never feel like I can relate to others. As a result of this tremendous anxiety I feel when around people I avoid it as much as I can. I am most comfortable when sitting alone in my dark bedroom. Eventually I get bored and depressed but would much rather deal with that then all the anxiety I feel when around people.

Hey Cracking Slowly

Damn sux doesn't it!!

Do you want to fix it? My psych asked me this today and I very quickly replied no not yet (in my head - no not ever!)

How and why does anyone find the desire and motivation to fix this problem?

I found it when I was in highschool. I was sick and tired of people always asking what was wrong and why I went so quiet (I've just gotten diagnosed bipolar 2... so I do go through phases where I am actually confident and extraverted and more naturally social). And I had a lot of pressure at home about being smart and respectful and responsible and basically to be "normal".

So I started actively working on things and worked even harder after I had OD'd when I was 15. I just wanted to fit in and be left alone. I find hiding in plain site is a lot more effective than being a wallflower, because no one notices you when you act the same as they do. My motivation I guess was trying to beat depression and trying to prove to myself/my family that I wasn't a worthless piece of s***.

Haven't really succeeded in that, but I do find social interaction a LOT more easy and actually enjoy some of it sometimes. The things that I've worked at anyway. I still sort of flip out if I'm in the wrong mood or participating in something that is newer to me.

My hypocritical advice that I don't follow would be:

1. see a psych regularly and take SSRI's to control depression/anxiety so you can raise motivation levels
2. don't drink a lot when you're on SSRI's so they actually work
3. maybe benzos for when you socialize but maybe not necessary
4. therapy 1-2 times a week with daily/weekly goals to do as "homework"
5. get involved in social activities that are centered around your interests so you have things in common with the people you force yourself to socialize with (because f*** small talk)
6. Force yourself to socialize regularly and fake it 'til you make it, sucka!

Not trying to sound like I have it all figured out... that's my best idea and I don't have the interest or motivation to do any of it right now so don't listen to me. I always punk out at steps 1 and 2 and then get all reclusive again and wallow in / ignore my problems (with the help of beer, cigarettes, video games, and other forms of blatant escapism).

But you will succeed where I have failed! Remember - it's all in your mind! Everyone here at the psychcentral avoidant forum believes in you and knows you can do it! Now get out there and conquer this damn thing once and for all you crazy son of a b****! {you yell wildly, slowly standing up from your computer chair with both hands clenched tightly in fists. Still yelling fiercely, and with a wild look in your eye, you run out of the house and take the damn world by storm}

Hey you made me laugh! Great sense of humour! Sorry others may have run out of the house but I happily stayed inside cracking up with a good belly laugh.:thank you:

I currently have no desire to interact with people face to face.

Merry Christmas!!!!

For some reason.... I cracked up at "punk out". I haven't heard that said in years!

Glad I could bring some laughs to the forum. Thinking about the question of how to get the motivation to overcome this made me think that maybe we need prototypical football coach type of guys (rugby coach in your case PTSD) to follow each of us around 24/7 and yell slogans at us to get us pumped up and motivated to change. Like we'd be working up the courage to go to the grocery store to buy some microwave meals and a big meathead guy would be next to us screaming "go big or go home you pansy!" or "come on, nancy boy, get your head in the game!". Then if that doesn't work the next step is having a military type guy impersonating R Lee Ermey's drill sergeant character from Full Metal Jacket follow you around.

Merry Christmas to you too PTSD!

Red Panda: then you'll want to stay tuned for my next post, where I plan to use "home slice", "psyche!" and describe myself as "hella avoidant"

I think that would probably make most avoidants cower! Better to find some quiet unassuming old lady and have her follow you around with a very sharp pin. Once you get poked you're going to end up making a noise and thus may as well continue making noise by talking!

And she could bribe you with cookies.

Kill 'em with kindness, yo

That could work. She could carry an oversized purse then if someone looks at you funny for acting weird because you're nervous she can swing the purse at them and call them a "dern whippersnapper" or a "ne'er-do-well".

Hey guys thanks so much for the xmas giggles!!!

I saw forget the scary dude and the little old lady! How about using the carrot tied to the front of the donkey trick.

For me my carrot would be that actor who plays Thor, can never remember his name. But he walks ahead of me, eye candy wherever I go

The only flaw to this otherwise brilliant plan is that he would never be allowed to talk to me so I'd feel safe.

What would your "carrots" be? Actually I just thought of another one for me - tickets to an All Blacks game. Yes I think I may be able to talk to someone for 5 seconds for a carrot like that

Supporting the All Blacks sounds much more rewarding than supporting the US soccer team, because they always just disappoint. But at least my club team won MLS a few years ago.

Also - not gay, but if I were I would totally make out with the guy from Thor