Self diagnosed

I've read the description of people with APD, but not all of it fits me. I guess it is the closest personality disorder that describes me. So far, I have avoided going to see someone recently to deal with this. Mostly the guilt at not being the best person I could be is what is bothering me the most.

I like to think that I don't really owe it to anybody to be a "life success". I might get down on myself about it sometimes, but don't feel like I'm letting down anyone but me so I don't have to feel guilty.

When life gets hard it can be a feat just to keep your head above water sometimes. On my post you said you get out of bed every day so you can keep your job and your life won't fall apart - even that is something worth feeling proud of. If you think you have AvPD then that's obviously pretty hard for you so doing it is a hard-fought accomplishment that you really work for.

I try to be generous and kind to people most of the time - I think that as long as you are generous and kind with others as a rule then you shouldn't have to feel guilty because that's the only important thing to do in life as far as I'm concerned.

I know I have SAD/panic disorder/depression (and almost sure of AvPD), but I have considered a whole lot of other potential diagnoses and spent a lot of time reading about a lot of disorders on the internet so I know how that goes... hope you find one that you think fits so you can begin to understand your problems better.

Maybe see a psych if you can. I suck on the spot and am much better at communicating through writing, so I like to write stuff down to have a psych or therapist read right off the bat. It takes some of the pressure off and writing stuff down can help you think it out before you go the the appt too. Write five pages if you want - it will only take them about 5 minutes to read and they will appreciate the background info to help kick things off.

Sorry for long post - I always ramble when typing. Hope it was helpful, good luck.

That wasn't long at all. Thank you for the support.
I beat myself up too much. I see that.
The last time I saw a professional, I spent the first half of our time together telling him my history and my troubles and the second half convincing him successfully I am cured and ready to go fight the good fight and finally get life on track.
So, I've lost some respect for the profession for letting me off the hook so easily.

I know what you mean about psychs... I have been to a couple but I always stop going and eventually go off the SSRI's they give me. A lot of times I feel like I don't want help and I just want people to leave me alone, even though I know that's an unhealthy attitude and it's not helping me... maybe you can try a new pysch if you didn't like your old one, or try working through some of your issues on your own with CBT self-help books and websites and so forth. I am being a hypocrite because I don't really deal with my problems the way I should, but that's the advice I would give myself from an outside perspective.

You will definitely have to be honest with them and yourself about your problems if they are going to be able to help you. Some psychiatrists do just kind of suck, though... I have only gone to two, but I eventually left the first one because I decided he wasn't really helping me that much. It felt more like a revolving door to pay for SSRI's. I stopped going to the second one, too, but I like him much better and would go back to him if/when I am ready to.

Have you tried taking SSRI's before? It can make a difference and might help with things like strong feelings of guilt. Especially when I was at my very lowest, Paxil helped me get back some amount of stability. I don't take meds anymore, but they did help me back then. I am really resistant to therapy because I am very private and I like to avoid social situations and emotional connections (aka meaningful friendships, haha), but I am starting the think that would be the only way to really make meaningful progress in my problems...

This is my main problem also. I avoid social situations and do not connect with people. Therefore I do not trust any doctors to help me. Many years ago I saw a doctor but it was a five minute ordeal and he just wanted to give me meds and send me on my way. I didn't think he really cared and felt that even with the meds it wasn't helping much so I stopped going to the doctor. I also stopped the meds. I wish I could find a good doctor and a good therapist but I can't seem to let my guard down long enough to trust anyone. Maybe some day...

I tried the medication and had a full blown anxiety reaction to Wellbutrin once so now I am scared to take anything. I hate the side effects. Blurry vision, and I don't need any more help with bad digestion.

Exactly. Are there doctors that actually care and not just doing a job?

I REALLY need to get off the fence. Right now I am between doctors. I wish someone would make me go. Like pick me up and carry me to the Primary for at least a check up.

The last one I dealt with didn't seem to care. I'm sure he was just doing his job. I just didn't like the way he made me feel. I didn't feel listened to. I just felt like he wanted to throw a prescription at me and get me out of his office.

I totally agree! Side effects were the worse for me also!

The first psych I went to made me feel like he didn't care and I viewed it as a place to get meds. He was exactly what you guys are describing.

But then I left him because I wasn't satisfied with that... the next one I went to, I happened to have the last appt of his day. It was a longer initial evaluation type visit, and before I even noticed the time he had actually stayed for nearly an extra hour talking with me... he didn't want to charge me for the extra time and he had a wife and kids to go home to. I was totally blown away that he would do that. It's not like he didn't take a good amount of money from me for the 1.5 hour intake appointment, but I really did feel like he understood I was in a lot of pain and that he cared and honestly wanted to help me. So now I believe it is possible to find a good one.

The best person you could be? You are already that. One of the biggest lies we are given to swallow is that we are not good enough and never will be.

When I was diagnosed as an Avoidant, the "Professional" told me that not only would I never have a girlfriend, but never get married.

That "Professional" was dead wrong and wrong for trying to put that curse on me. Yes, I said it. It was a curse that this person pronounced on me.

Dont let anyone tell you that you are not Good Enough!!

Dont let anyone tell you that you wont ever amount to anything of be able to do something.

Being diagnosed as an Avoidant is a double edged sword. On the one hand, its great to finally know what the issue is.

Its good to belong to a club of Avoidants. At least you can find out that you belong somewhere and that you are not the only one who is like you.

On the other hand, it stinks being labeled and having that curse put on you. Once someone tells us who we are, we have a nasty tendency to live up to, or down to, that definition.

We live out both the good and the bad things that we are told about us. That is why do many go to Church on Sunday. There is so much crap in this world and so many that try to tell us how bad we are and everything is.

Its nice to go somewhere where you can be told that you are valuable and have good in you.