Wedding

A friend of mine is getting married in a couple months and I've been invited, in fact I'm part of the wedding party.

I'm already dreading it. It may sound awful to you but I don't care that they are getting married and I really don't want to go. First of all, it's out of town so it's going to be a three day affair. I generally get exhausted after spending one or two hours with people. It's going to be extremely trying. Secondly it's my entire weekend which is the only time I get to unwind and be by myself, I consider it essential for my mental health. And on top of that I have to spend a good amount of money to travel there and for a place to stay for 2 nights.

I do support their marriage, I think it's wonderful, but I've always hated weddings and I've never understood why they're so important to people. If I get married I personally don't even care if my own mother shows up, I just don't think weddings mean anything. To me they just look like a grandiose way of calling attention to yourself and I think they have very little to do with what they are supposed to be celebrating. A blatantly selfish and over the top party. It's disturbing to me.

But of course I have to go because of some kind of social obligation, regardless of how hard it's going to be for me. For whatever reason it's considered a friendship ruiner if you refuse an invitation to a wedding. Especially now since I'm in the wedding party. And That's supposed to be an honor? All it is to me is a major stress in my life. I just don't understand. I can't be the only one who sees weddings like this.

i know what you mean about needing your weekend time to unwind. i use my weekends to recover from the workweek as well. i also see weddings as a waste of precious resources. all that money could go to such good use somewhere else. what a waste. any social gathering is a pain for me. i go to one fundraiser a year because i feel i owe it to the friend that puts it on. i go there, pick a table and zone out with my cocktail until the party is over. i hope you make it thru the weekend and that your friendship is worth it. take care.

I think your quote of "grandiose way of calling attention to yourself" pretty much sums up how I feel about weddings (a big waste of time and money just to feed your ego). It's almost disgusting to me.

I had to be the best man for my brother and give a speech at the reception which was like my own personal hell. Hopefully there will be free booze at least... or take up smoking so you have a good excuse to leave for 10 minutes every 30 minutes.

If you really feel like you can't do it then maybe your friend would understand if you talk with him and it doesn't have to be a friendship-ending thing but I guess that's pretty socially inappropriate especially being in the wedding party... Whatever you decide I feel your pain and I wish you good luck... maybe you can get a small xanax script to help get you through it.

A.K. Maybe you can think of this in 2parts:
1- you are not obligated to be part of the wedding party. People refuse for all kinds of reasons-cost, time, prewedding obligations,etc. Even if you have agreed, you could still ask to bow out. If your friend knows you well, they may know about these stressors in your life. If you are already stressing this much, make the call tonight or tomorrow and take this burden out of your life.

2- After #1 is taken care of, reevaluate actually attending the wedding. You may be able to convince yourself to attend the wedding ceremony or the reception, both, or neither.

Don't attend just because it is an obligation. When wedding invites are sent, sometimes there is relief that some people have declined because of the ridiculous cost the bride and groom are spending on this one day event. Don't even get me started on that.

You can always send a small gift and card even it you do not attend. I hope you do what is best for YOU! Best wishes.

I hope I can get the nerve to do what you are saying. I think you're entirely right about this. My friend does know how draining things like this can be for me but he also doesn't really understand at all how it feels since he is an extremely extroverted person.

I consider him one of my best friends and he also thinks highly of me. Otherwise he wouldn't have asked me to be in the wedding party. But he can also be a bit of a bully (with a good heart) and I don't think I'd hear the end of it for a while if I backed out entirely.

I think I will take your advice and back out of being in the wedding party. I think he will be able to understand that. However I don't think I've got it in me to back out of the wedding all together. At least that way it'll only be the one day I have to worry about and not the entire weekend. Thank you for your response.

That sounds harsh about your brother's wedding. At least they haven't asked me to do any kind of speech. That'd be hell for me too.

I think I will talk to him about it. I think it's the right thing to do.

That's a good idea about the xanax too. Those helped me a lot a while back but I can't imagine it's that easy to get a prescription, is it? I also have some mild beta blockers lying around, I'll most likely use those if indeed I end up going. Thank you for your response.

I guess getting a temp xanax script was predicated on you having an existing relationship with a psychiatrist... but if you do they might understand and give you enough for just the weekend.

A couple years back my best friend was having a coming home party (hadn't seen him in a couple years)... I felt like I had to go but it was a couple hours away so I had to stay at his house with other people for the weekend. They were my friends from college so it's not like I would have been with strangers but I still couldn't do it (that feeling of being trapped in a social situation with no escape). I actually drove partway there then drove around in the country for like 30 minutes deciding if I should turn around or continue... eventually I turned back. I felt like a total pu**y but I just couldn't make myself do it and I didn't want to. I wrote him an email and texted him to read his email since I was suppose to be arriving in like a half hour at that point... as much as I didn't want to I laid it out on the line about how I wasn't coming because of my social anxiety issues because I wanted him to understand that I wasn't just blowing him off because he wasn't important to me. He understood and we are still good friends to this day.

The guy I'm talking about probably isn't like your friend, but if your friend respects you enough to be in the wedding party they will understand whatever your decision is and you will probably be closer for it. And if they are a jerk about it then f*** em and you get out of the wedding entirely!

Just make sure not to tell them that the other reason you don't want to be in the wedding party is because you think their wedding is a disgusting, egotistical, sh**-show of the worst kind.

nowheretohide, after reading your response this morning I decided to send both the bride and groom an email telling them how I've been feeling about it. I'm glad you told me that story because I didn't even think of email, it made it a lot easier to tell them that way. Now I've just to wait and see what they say about it. I think you're right that they will understand.

He understood, I guess I shouldn't have worried too much about it. I'm happy for the relief, I'm not longer in the wedding party but will be attending. So that's good. I still feel guilty though even though he understood. But that'll pass I think. Thanks for your help everyone!

I so much feel for your situation, I give you lots of kudos for actually telling anyone its hard for you. Just the thought of telling people its hard for me to be around people creeps me out, normal people dont understand how hard it is and just laughs at the hole deal. But very glad its turning out OK for you, me myself would have come up with something to skip it..I am sure it will be a success

IMO you would only have to feel guilty if you took the easy way out and told him you had the german measles or whooping cough on the day before the trip or something like that and skipped it all together. Just going to the wedding will be difficult enough so you're doing your part. Glad it worked out!