Horrible life

I've always been a cynical person, sometimes even described as funny and sarcastic. Well, it's always been fake. I don't have a sense of humor, I hate myself in ways I cannot describe, I am anxious, I know people must hate me for who I am. They know! It's not a fun life. No friends left, never a relationship, always being obsessed what other people think about me. And probably negative. I didn't know this was a disorder until I was diagnosed with it last November.

I hate it! I'm depressed, not normal. I don't know if I can live a normal life. I don't want to accept this, don't want people to know. But it's for real.

Why??? What can I do? What do people do? I don't want to live my life with this disorder. It's pure loneliness. Loneliness as a chronic disease.

Can I fight this? How? How do I explain this to people? Can I ever have relationships?

So many questions, how do people cope with this?

Should I get spiritual? I'm serious with this. I know it can help people. I'm so desperate. I'm so scared.

I don't want this life.

You can fight it. And you've already started on the path to change things by seeking help, coming here, etc. I don't have the answers for you on exactly how to fight/overcome it though, maybe others here will have better advice in that area. Probably going to therapy is the best bet (I avoid that too) and taking meds to control depression/anxiety.

I also hate myself, am extremely anxious in all social interactions, cut myself off from friends I used to have, plus I assume that most people think I am an annoying idiot/loser/weirdo without anything valuable to say (and I believe they could be right). I know what you mean about the "they know!" thing - I feel like that a lot but I'm a little socially paranoid.

Try to remember that you don't have to be "normal" or have a "normal life" (which usually just means "stereotypical life"). You CAN have relationships and you don't have to explain your issues to anyone unless you feel like it (they will just assume you are an introvert/loner - many people are).

I wouldn't recommend getting spiritual/religious because it's all completely unbelievable BS that's based on lies . But it could help you maybe... it seems to help other people I just think it's bogus and don't care for it. But don't let my opinion sway you because I am going to go to hell or be reincarnated as a dung beetle.

Hang in there man, and welcome to the forum. This is the best AvPD sub-forum on the web because our members are so just truly and legitimately AvPD that everyone exhibits avoidance behaviors in regards to posting here.

I would love to fight. I've lost so many things because of this. So many things I loved, so many goals I could not achieve, so much pain I have to live with.

They've always known. They knew from the beginning.

A normal, stereotypical life is all that I ever wanted. But it's not possible. Not for me. I am an introvert and a loner, but I don't like being that. I hate myself for being that.

That is exactly my opinion. I'm a nihilist. But I don't want to be. It's not fun. I just don't believe in religion. That's my problem.

I've always been a hardcore AvPD'er. It only brought me misery, lonelyness and the worst feelings I could ever experience in my life. It has to stop!

Pick something that you've lost and work towards getting it back.

I'm not religious in any way shape or form... and while I don't find there to be any meaning to life besides what we give it, I at least take some enjoyment out of the randomness of the universe. It's all pretty strange when you think about it. So why worry about "normal"? (HA! What a hypocrite, I worry about 'normal' all the time even though I really try not to!).

Seeing as "normal" (and I do use quotation marks because what on earth is normal anyway? It's a construct!) isn't really all that possible, it's best to try to learn to like the introvertedness - I'm an introvert (although I act fairly extraverted, but I basically life in my head and need to have my space to relax) and I wouldn't change it. It's also alright to be a loner - I know a lot of them! You can learn even though it's really hard. You could try to cultivate an aquaintance or friendship you have to become a more meaningful friendship.. or you could try to interact with people you see regularly a bit more often/authentically.... whether that's coworkers or the bus drive.

I worry about people judging me or not liking me allllll the time. I withdraw super quickly each time I feel like that's happened. But I keep retrying and I make a point to talk about easy topics - I honestly DO talk about the weather with people!

I decided to start changing things when I was in highschool. I've always started small and it takes me a long time to get better with things. But I can eat in a restaurant by myself (I am always worried while doing so though!), can attend a movie/theatre solo, I can travel, I can actually ask for help in a store (sometimes) and I can make and attend hair appointments. How silly those all sound, but they were HUGE accomplishments for me. So why not pick something that can be done by yourself that you can work at doing. I found that exposure worked best - repeatedly. Each time I'd do whatever it was, the less anxiety I would feel... even though it never fully goes away.

I've waited to long. That was my biggest mistake. I never trusted my therapists or doctors. I presumed they hated me and they might do. I laughed when talking about my problems, or pretending to get better while I wasn't.

I am so ashamed. I can't get a relationship, because I am unworthy. I can't finish my studies, because I'm a failure. I'm 25 and achieved nothing to be proud of. I could have prevented this. I could, but I didn't. All I did was avoid. Therefore, I don't deserve sympathy, only hate.

That's how I live in this world. Angst. That's all there's left.

It will take a long while for me to be 'happy', if that's ever possible. I don't know if it's worth the wait.

You haven't waited too long. You just said you're 25! You're not old by a long shot so there is plenty of time.

You just need to make yourself go through things, even though you feel it's hopeless. It really does help when something is done repeatedly.

Relationships are a lot of work. That would be much too big of a first step.

Why can't you finish your studies? Don't say it's because you're a failure. Tell me HOW you've failed. Have you flunked all of your courses? Have you dropped out? You can always return (depending on finances).

How do you feel if you are inside a mall by yourself? It's a good location for exposures really. You can just walk/sit around and people watch if that's not overly comfortable for you. You could get something to eat in the food court (this is how I started out with eating solo actually.. food courts followed by fast food restaurants). You could browse in the store for longer than you might otherwise. You could ask for assistance looking for something. You could ask for someone's opinion on something. You could have a brief chit-chat with a teller. Lots of different, little things.

And I say they're little because they're quick interactions that are done and over with relatively quickly. They're easy to repeat, and you don't have to worry about seeing the person again. And if you chicken out about asking for help or something... no biggie, no one knew you were going to ask!

And you can't really wait to be happy. It just doesn't work like that. Just like the alternative doesn't work - you can't decide to be happy and then be happy. It takes time and effort (which really rather sucks because it doesn't seem to take time or effort for lots of people!). So honestly... pick out a goal for something you want to achieve. Make it specific. Saying "be happy" is a terrible goal because it's a huge goal and who on earth knows where to start with it. Going "I want to be able to make an appointment via the phone and not panic" is a much more specific goal that you can work towards.

You will have to accept that it's not going to be easy to make changes but that you can do it. You are surely not as terrible, pathetic, worthless as you are making yourself out to be. And like Red Panda said you might never feel completely comfortable getting a haircut or ordering food at a restaurant but you can definitely do it and you will get more slightly more comfortable with it each time. Maybe on a given day you will feel like you can't do it, but just take the day off and relax and psych yourself up for doing it tomorrow and don't let yourself cop out on it the next day.

I am really socially awkward and I hate dealing with people and all of that, but I do have one guy who I would consider a good, true friend (he's different than me but not "normal" by societal standards either). There are lots of different types of people out there - it's not like everybody else is "normal" and you're a total failure because you aren't perfect and have some issues. There are people out there for you to be friends with or have a relationship with. Personally I wouldn't really be able to be friends with and relate to someone who is stereotypically "normal".

You're only 25 so it's not exactly too late for you - if you were saying this at 50 I might be more inclined to think "well, guess you just gotta suffer out the rest of it" and I might agree with the "waited to long" statement, but really you didn't. I wish I would have gotten therapy as a kid and it would have maybe changed life up to now for the better but I just wanted to deny anything was wrong and just push on as best I could. But I'm almost 30 now and it's as good a time as any to try to make some progress toward being happier.

There's a reason you are where you are today and it's not 100% your fault - you didn't just choose this and then end up here. Clearly there is an underlying reason for this that was out of your control. Nobody chooses to end up as AvPD - I think it's safe to say that we all tried to cope with life as best we could and ended up like this. You are deserving of sympathy just like the other people here are, as are all the other people who ended up as avoidant because it was the only way they could cope with X, Y or Z happenstance of their life.

Sometimes I envy others because they seem to have confidence, good social skills, they're well spoken, and generally they can function with their day to day without getting severely overwhelmed like we do. I'm not really sure if this envying is something you do as well but you did mention wanting a "normal life" and not wanting to have to live with AvPD.

What helps me is to realize that a "normal life" doesn't really exist and those people that I envy from time to time, what I imagine their lives might be like, that's just not reality. We may struggle with a lot of what seem like dumb things on a regular basis and it can be seriously dreadful some days but I don't think the grass is greener on the other side. Unlike you I have always been somewhat fond of the way I am and I don't even think of AvPD as a disorder, just that this is the way that I am, and that's fine. In fact I'd say it affords me many wonderful experiences that a lot of other people don't get to experience and I'm thankful for that.

So I do encourage you to keep trying to get out there and find that happiness that you are looking for, you can do it! But also I would suggest trying to love and embrace this part of you as well.

Wow, I never expected so many good reactions. I know you're right. Well, the biggest problem is my education. I managed to have a bachelor degree, but I got stuck in my master. It's so frustrating. The last 2,5 years I had a severe depression, although better at some moments, and suicidal thoughts that made it almost impossible for me to function. It's weird, because until that time I managed to do okay. I didn't want anyone to know I was feeling so bad, so I isolated myself. It only got worse. I found myself a psychiatrist, but he didn't really knew what was going on with me. I didn't trust him entirely. So, I only got pills. After a year I crashed and hospitalized. Then this diagnosis came out. Now it's back to pills and waiting for therapy.

I can't imagine people choosing the life of AvPD. Is horrible. For me, education and a good job are important. But the social part is getting me too anxious, although I want to be social. It keeps me ruminating a lot.

This is my take on my behaviour: I want to blend in and not be noticed. I find it absolutely humiliating if I stand out. So I opt for hiding in plain sight - I taught myself social skills and how to act extraverted, confident and social. So no one sees what I actually think and feel for the most part. (I had help getting to this point from two things - 1. my family was quite controlling and we had to act a certain way all the time and I learned to hide things to keep myself from feeling worse and 2. I have bipolar 2, so my hypomanias make me a lot more social and confident. It was a lot easier to learn to fake THAT than it would be to hide it!)

What did you major in? It's ok to take a break before doing your Masters, but you can totally still do that once you're feeling better.

Last week I was hospitalized again because of a vital depression and suicidal ideation. I did not agree with the hospitalization, but the doctor didn't leave me much choice. So this will be part of my life? I hope not.

I wanted to stop avoiding, so refused all hospital options last weeks. For me, this feels like avoiding my responsibilities, my study, my social life, everything. Otherwise, suicide could be avoiding to, or not fixing health problems.

I don't know. I just want to get rid of this AvPD. Stop avoiding. But what am I avoiding and how do I stop it? Pfff.

I hope to find out soon and fix this!

Hang in there, man. I definitely understand suicidal but suicide is no real answer. Better to feel something than to have no consciousness at all is how I see it. If you feel you need help don't avoid it because you feel it's avoiding your responsibilities. Your main responsibility is to yourself and your own happiness so do what you gotta do.

Mike Ness feels your pain:

It's been a while since I posted this. I've forgotten this topic and my account here until I stumbled on it today while looking for something in my email.

I'm fully cured I think. I'm not depressed anymore. I have no desire to die anymore. I'm not lonely anymore. I'm in a relationship. My studies are going well. I'm happy.

It's not just one thing that cured me, but just a combination of good events following each other in a short period of time.

I didn't like me psychiatric treatment and found insufficient answers there. I wanted to know what I was doing wrong in my life or what was wrong generally, so I could change that. The therapists told be that it was irrelevant to find out. So I still don't know precisely. But I did change almost everything that there was to change and therefore I also changed what was wrong. I moved to another city, another university, other people, other languages around me, doing internships, finding my true love by actively searching instead of waiting, taking care of myself, treating the OSAS that I found out I have. So many things changed and I can't believe how amazing life can be again. I never found the magic and universal solution. But I did get out of my psychiatric horror, by persistence and by taking risk of a total makeover of my life. I'm so glad to be alive to experience this. I never thought this was ever possible.

I sincerely hope that all of you will soon experience something similar. Change is possible. Life can be good.

:-) I was thinking on giving you a word of encouragement when I noticed your thread was written in 2014. But...I see now how you are the one who will have to encourage us.
Congrats! And don't forget the feeling you are having now when you feel a bit down.

I'm so so so completely agree with you that a person can change and fight for himself even when he was taught " you are not good" or simply we are convinced of it. Even when you have a personality disorder such as AvPD, you can learn that it's your mind the one who limits you but you can do many things to revert this thinking process.
We won't be able to know ourselves better if we don't dare to live or do things.

Could you share appart from positive events in your life, the ones I'm sure you worked activelly to achive, any help you got, the process you followed, the techniques...you know, whatever you can think could be helpful to know.

Thanks for sharing!