New here, just want to say 'hello'

I feel as if I've 'come home' - reading all these posts have made me, at times, laugh, cry, nod my head,"YES!!!!" and much, much more. I had never even heard of APD before yesterday; but it fits what I have been going thru my entire life, without a doubt.

I have been diagnosed as a Major Depressive (hospitalized for suicidal tendencies two yrs. ago) and have struggled with what some would call "melancholia" all my life. Me, I simply call it being introverted and extremely sensitive. All I know it that the following applies to me:

1. Large crowds/loud noises absolutely overwhelm me. I will do ANYTHING to NOT have to be in those type situations.
2. If I must be with people all day (i.e., because of a job situation, family obligations, etc.), it is absolutely CRUCIAL that I have some down-time ALONE in a QUIET (very quiet) place. That is how I 're-charge' my batteries. If I have to go too long without this, I burn myself out because of the stress!!
3. Many, many, many times I find myself "stuck" - unable to go on - sitting in my car, unable to leave the house, stalling for time at my desk, looking at the same clothes in my closet, etc, etc, etc, simply because I simply cannot ENGAGE in whatever the next activity is. If it is going to the grocery store, I may sit in the vehicle for 30 min, trying to 'nerve myself up' to go inside. If it is going down the hall to a meeting with the administration, I may sit at my desk, procrastinating by reading emails, going over reports or other nonsense stuff until they have to call me like a recalcitrant child; if there was a 'Pep Rally' at school and I was supposed to attend (I was a teacher), I used every excuse in the world to beg off - I just could not STAND to be in that gym with all those screaming, shouting over-excited people (it was like torture to me).
4. I have no problems meeting new people & can get along fine, even well, in new social situations; however, I definitely PREFER to stay at home, within my small group. I have not been much of a help to my husband, who is much more ambitious than I - he would have been better off with an assertive "Stepford/Country Club-type" wife who considers material things, wealth and social status to be the mosts important things in life; I am all about feelings, nurturing & bringing out the best in others, encouraging those around me, and using my talents to the best of my ability.
5. This may sound crazy to everyone here - the majority seem to prefer to stay as far from the limelight as possible - but I find a great amount of relief/release in performing. My degree is in Music and I have done an extensive amount of Vocal/Ensemble performance and Musical/Dramatic Theatre. I know it seems ironic but this is something I discovered in High School: I could become somebody else on stage!! Whomever I wanted to be! And I could hide behind that facade and then absolutely enjoy myself & I did/do, tremendously. But I still need my "alone" time afterwards. In other words, when everyone else is rushing off to go to the cast parties, I am driving home to have a drink outside on the patio at 3 a.m. alone just so I can feel the breeze on my hot brow, look at the moon & pet my dogs in the peaceful quiet. THAT is rejuvenating to me. That way, the next night, I am all ready to do it again.

Does any of this make any sense to anyone else?? I am so interested in hearing from y'all. I have felt so alone my whole life, like I was fighting against the current and trying to explain why I did the things I did even tho I had no reason for the way I acted - it was just ME.

One last thing, I am currently taking Wellbutrin (100 mg.) for my depression - it seems to help (a little) but the side effects (tremors) are awful. Does anyone else have any suggestions? I know I need to be on something to help with the anxiety and, certainly, the horrid depression I have lived with so long. Maybe someone has some advice along that line.

Thanks for reading & I so look forward to hearing from some of you! Many thanks again. Again, I am SO GLAD to have found this group!!

Hello Siftnsand, do you like the way things are or are you looking to change anything? It sounds like you have low self esteem and anxiety likes to hold hands with depression. Have you thought of having therapy? I'm glad you have your music and you enjoy performing. Welcome to Psych Central!

I understand. I can run a talent show and be totally at ease. The focus isn't on "me" even though I'm the center of attention while I'm on the stage. The attention is on what's coming up - on whatever kid I'm talking about. When you're on stage, the attention is on the song and there's other people to have a focus on. I totally get it.

How do you do if you're the center of attention at a birthday party? I would flip out.

I also do great when meeting new people and having small talk. I break down when it comes to actually being ME and trying to build trust and a friendship. It'll take me months of "Yeah, we should do something!" before I actually do something with the person.

I actually do quite well in crowds (some types of crowds). Like... I can be in the middle of a busy street, mall, park, etc.. and I'm fine. I blend in with the crowd and I can leave whenever I want. But put me in a concert and I'm an anxious because I feel trapped. Put me in the cinema or theatre or restaurant and I need to have at least one side of me that feels "ok".. so a wall or aisle needs to be near me, so that I feel like I can leave.

I'm terrible with less-familiar people. I can't find a topics to talk with them. Even if I say something to them, I doubt they liked the conversation with me. But when I become alone, a lot of things come to my mind, and I wonder: 'I could had a conversation about these with them'. So I always avoid confronting new people, and when there is no way but to meet new people, I feel extremely uneasy.

blind: That's frustrating isn't it? I found myself different topics that would just be acceptable. I honestly DO talk about the weather! (But then... that's also a geographical thing, and I've always lived places that have some form of bonkers weather that's worth commenting on). It might feel awkward, but hey, at least you don't need to talk to them again, right?

Like... if you're somewhere with food, can always comment on that. Or if there was some sort of "performance" (a speaker, a movie, a singer, etc) it's easy enough to talk about how that went.

Perhaps before going somewhere where you'd be meeting new people, you could think of some topics that might fit in with the circumstances before you go? You might feel more prepared then?

Thanks for the welcome - I appreciate that. No, I wouldn't really say I have low self-esteem but, well, who knows? Maybe I do. I don't know. I'm very confident in many areas of my life & have no troubles there. But yes, you are spot on in that I have a great amount of anxiety to go along with the depression. And the fact that I suffer from these infuriating bouts of inability to function sometimes - it's just SO FRUSTRATING!!

Yes, I've done some therapy. It was with a very nice gentleman Psychologist. But I must admit that I was very resistant to some of the things he wanted to try (i.e., "Pretend that your mother is sitting over there in that chair and tell her how mad you are at her....") Plus, he was an extremely passive, gentle man (which is exactly what I requested, seeing as I was in a vulnerable state). However, I probably needed a more demanding, assertive therapist in order to really make me face some of my issues. We really didn't get anywhere except that I did take up the habit of journaling and writing Poetry to relieve some of my stress & pain.

Again, thanks for the welcome. I would like to ask you if you have problems with anxiety. And, if so, how do you handle them? Especially in social situations? I really need to figure out a way to conquer this problem of 'stalling out' that I have. It's interfering with my life something awful.

Thanks so much!

hey welcome.

Yes I can definitely relate to you. I get pretty overwhelmed in large groups and hate really noisy places, and I dread have the spotlight shine on me. Which is weird because I did a some theater in high school and really liked it. Like you said the whole idea of becoming someone else was relieving. But I definitely need a lot of time to myself or else I will go crazy. I believe this is just who we are and how we are wired. There's no changing it but it's hard be the way we are (introverted) in a world that sees that as weird or abnormal. It makes us feel like outcasts which in return causes some depression, that's how I feel in my case anyway.

I hope you find some support and help on here too. Keep your head up

Boy, am I relieved to hear you say "I totally get it"!!! I had this horrible fear that everyone would be like, "WHAT???! You don't sound like an Avoidant!! Git' outta hear!!" (*Big Sigh*) Anyway, yes, you're exactly right: it's actually pretty easy to 'hide' on stage, as crazy as that sounds. Performing in any capacity is fun as long as you have a "character" to hide behind. Even when I am performing music (as in your dreaded "concert" settings (! , I do the same thing. It's easier when playing an instrument (either as a soloist or in a group) than as a vocalist: when you're singing, you're basically up there "naked" - nothing to hide behind at all. That's tough. I always had to do the same thing as in Theatre: pretend I was someone else in order to make it thru.

As far as your question about being the centre of attention at a B-day party... no, I don't guess so. But I can't STAND having everyone watching me open my gifts (same thing at Christmas - for Pete's sake, just have everybody open them at once, okay?? This 'let's all wait to see what 'Aunt Jackie gave you' is for the birds....). I hate opening them. I feel like my reaction(s) are never right. I always disappoint my family/friends/etc. I do love to GIVE gifts & probably go way overboard in that regard; in fact, I know I do (I'm just like my Dad in that regard - very generous & giving). But I'm highly uncomfortable being on the receiving end. It's not that I don't want things to be reciprocal; I'm just very private that way. I'd rather open something in private, treasure that gift and then thank that person in turn. Not in a forced environment. Sound funny? It's true. So, well, yeah. Maybe I would, like you, "flip out" a little, come to think of it!

You did say that you have a hard time when it comes to opening up & building a friendship & trust. I completely understand that. Is it like, when you meet somebody, and they say, 'Yeah, let's meet for lunch!' And you go, 'Sure. Maybe next week?' But then it never happens b/c you always hem & haw when they try to actually pin down a date & time? That's me in a nutshell. We'll have friends or acquaintances who try to get us to go out on the weekend. They'll call or text either me or my husband asking if we want to do something blah-blah-blah and I'm like *PANIC!!!* "No, I think we're going to see our daughter this Friday....." or some other such crap. Ugh. My husband is like, "Why not???" And I don't know what to tell him. I don't even know exactly WHY I do that. Because the times we do go out, we usually have fun. (Although there have been plenty of times when I have had one, two, or maybe 10 cocktails in order to mitigate the course of the evening...) I just don't like to go partying, loud places or stuff like that very much. And that seems to be what everyone else prefers. If they said, "Wanna go for a weekend up to our cabin in the mountains?" I would be on that like white on rice. Nice & quiet, beautiful nature and no people rushing around. My idea of a great time.

But I do understand your thinking when it comes to where to sit in a movie theatre, restaurant, or somewhere similar. I don't like to plop down right in the middle of things either. When I think about it, it seems that I always prefer to sit on the periphery - not necessarily on an aisle seat or by the wall, but close to. (My husband is the one who always insists on sitting in the aisle seat; but that's because he's huge & it makes him so uncomfortable to be crammed in up against people. I'm little, so it doesn't make any difference to me.)

I do fine when meeting people, parties, business, etc. It's just that I certainly don't PREFER that at all. I've been told that I could actually excel at that kind of thing because I have good 'people skills' & am very empathetic (which is true). But just thinking about having a job where I was required to be around people the majority of the time, in a high-profile setting, absolutely makes me CRINGE!! The years I spent as a teacher in Public School were some of the hardest, most stressful, yet most rewarding years of my life. During the last 4 years at that post, I lost 65 lbs., came this close (holding fingers about 1/4" apart) to getting a divorce, had to have 2 root canals, got Pneumonia twice, and had three surgeries. Think my body was trying to tell me something??? Yeah. I finally figured it out: it was saying, "Get the hell out while you still can!" I loved those kids & I was good at what I did. But I simply could not handle that type of environment or daily stress. It was killing me.

Well, that's way more than enough for now! Thanks so much for talking with me. I'm so glad to begin hearing from y'all and learning about all this. Like I said before, it's like coming home for me. I'm excited to get to know all of you & look forward to hearing your stories, learning from you & getting advice.

I hope you have a truly blessed day. One in which you're not anxious, worried or doubtful. Wouldn't that be NICE??!

Take care.

Aw, sweetie, that's okay. Aren't we ALL like that in some way? I always find myself re-running conversations with people and coming up with extremely witty/snarky/mean(not that I would actually BE mean)/rude (same thing) replies. But - and here's the big thing I wanted to tell you - this tendency actually DOES HAVE A PLUS SIDE HERE: since we do tend to do this (run conversations thru over & over in our heads), there will invariably come a time when you will do it BEFORE you have those conversations too. As in, 'Okay.... if I say this, and he replies with THAT... then I could say... (fill in the blank with whatever brilliant reply you can imagine here)"

I have actually done this a time or two. Well, probably way more than that but the few times I've done it I was so STUNNED by my total success that that's all I can remember!! For instance, once when my husband & I had been arguing over something stupid (I can't remember what - an extremely common occurrence, unfortunately) I was driving home and going over what I wanted to talk to him about. I "pre-played" what I though he was going to say to me in my head & came up with about 10 different things. And, wouldn't you know it, nifty little debate team member that I was, I came up with about 10 wonderful comebacks that absolutely TROUNCED whatever it was he might say.

And guess what? IT WORKED. PERFECTLY.

Now, we're talking a big, arrogant, control-freak kind'a guy. One who always HAS to have control of any conversation and, of course, he has to have the last word. So, for me to already have things figured out ahead of time, deliver my words in a calm, concise manner with a practiced ease just completely took all the wind out of his sails. He just stood there speechless. And, for once, he actually LISTENED to what I had to say. He had to - there was no choice (he couldn't say anything!) It was AMAZING.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say to you is this: if you get so flustered by the thought of talking to new people or strangers or whatever, then just try that little "pre-play" conversation technique I was talking about. Run through a dozen different type of scenarios that could happen: you could talk about the headline in that day's newspaper; the price of gas; the weather (EVERYONE can talk about that one); notice something he/she is wearing or carrying and comment on it; compliment them on something (just make sure it is a genuine compliment - I try to say something really nice about a woman's nails or hair, for instance, if I notice she takes particular care with that); ask them for directions to somewhere (even if you already know); ask them if they know a good restaurant to eat at.... The list is endless. On the whole, most people are friendly, want to help and love to talk about themselves if you just give them a chance. But you just might have to be the one to make the first move to approach them & break the ice. It's not that they don't like you or don't want to have a conversation with you at all.

Just remember that it's like that old saying about animals, "They're just as scare of us as we are of them!"

Good luck to you. I know it's hard. I have some huge struggles myself, they are just in different areas. Maybe you can help me with those!

Siftnsand - Thanks for your suggestions. I wish these will help. Everyone of us has own struggles. I'll try to help you, as much as I can. TC.

Hello Siftnsand.

Have you ever heard of Elaine Aron (and other psychologists) theories on the "Highly Sensitive Person"? Being introverted, imaginative and emotionally sensitive aren't necessarily bad things. I identify as an HSP myself, and I accept and enjoy those traits.

However, it seems that HSPs (like any other personality type) accumulate emotional baggage from specific negative life events they don't cope with well. I became socially anxious, defensive and also very "needy" at the time, after a period of school bullying and social rejection, for example. I remember being more socially confident and slightly more extraverted before these events. I swear this kind of experience leaves a mark - "schemas" - that doesn't go away without the kind of "debriefing" that therapy provides.

We ALL have insecurities, negative associations and self-defeating behaviors by the time we are adults. These lead to depressed moods and anxiety both directly and indirectly. The art of life is really to lead with and develop one's strengths, and overcome one's weaknesses where necessary. You seem to be doing that. Reading your posts here is helping me realize a few things about myself too.

I'm glad to hear you have tried therapy. Personally I don't tolerate meds very well, so therapy has become my preferred tool of choice, along with almost daily journaling and a lot of psychology books!