I think I may have AvPD?

Hello all!

Firstly, to make the latter clearer and in more context, I have been verified BPD/Bipolar I. The first of which I took to a psych, who confirmed that it was right. I don't think I have the acumen of an actual psych--but it seems I have some degree of self-awareness.

As it goes: a central and more prominent feature I've noticed is the initial fear and feeling of inferiority when meeting people or (especially groups).

For example, in my first college class, I looked around and thought everyone was smarter than me. I felt as though I were very small, almost overwhelmed.

I attatched stories to each person's look. If they looked stern, they were more responsible and determined. If they looked relaxed, they were more at ease with themselves.

I was sure I was going to fail; I did not at all. I actually finished top. This happened all through college, 90% of the time.

I also assume people dislike me until something very obvious that they do not occurs. However, not looking at me while speaking, or perhaps a sigh can signal to me that I am not wanted.

I've left a date (cute guy was really nice) because I thought he thought I was too ugly. Why? He was looking at papers half the time, which I later found out was because he was looking at a diagram for work.

This should have been plainly obvious, as it had the company logo on the page, but it was due to my ugliness. He called me after, and I lied and said I had to get my laundry out as I had a sweater prone to mildew.

I have had friends but I disappear often.

They did not know how I felt, but I one night took a high dose of lunesta, and apparently slept walk. I told them of how I was disgusting, ugly, and stupid, apparently adding that I was sure they liked me because I helped them.

I seldom leave my house now, after failed attempts at grad school and work (for somewhat similar reasons). I'm on temp disability.

A day ago, I had to drive my mother for surgery. I went to McDonald's to order.

I could not find my wallet (which was in the pocket I usually put it in). I acted very polite (as usual) but I just kept thinking of how stupid I looked to this cashier. I paid, but wound up driving past the 2nd window because I just needed to get out of there.

I also have a huge problem with people looking at me while doing simple tasks.

I'm usually good at math, but a prof in college watched me derive a formula. I could not figure out what 9*3 was, nor that F=ma. Alone, I usually fly through this type of stuff.

I assume guys will not like how I look, so I don't post pictures.

I can "act" all of these issues away--but to a keen eye (normally older people who have experience with anxiety-ridden people), It's obvious.

At my job, I'd twiddle my thumb very hard as I spoke (I feel this keeps me feeling as though I am real and not just talking), even though, to most, I probably came off confident and well-spoken.

In psych sessions, I will look at the floor until I am finished speaking as I am prone to interprit slightly negative facial expressions as disdain.

My psych has asked if I had been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, which I havent--but I've been on Klonopin for 6 years after telling a psych that I'd keep breaking glassware in my chemistry labs because I'd think people would see that my hands lacked dexterity.

Sorry if this was long; I am not sure what this is, but it seems to be not purely BPD or Bipolar. It's more omnipresent, and is, in my opinion, far more inclement.

Any thoughts?

I'm a 27 yr old, gay, AA male, if that matters. My maternal side is laden with mental illness. I've never been abused.

I would talk to a psych about it... but it sounds like you surely have social anxiety as well as some body issues. Your psych must have at least recognized that you have anxiety issues if he gave you Klonopin.

I have known a lot of good looking people who thought they were ugly over the hears - I mean, if a cute guy wanted to go on a date with you and then even called you back after you left he must have thought you were cute too right?

Being anxious out of self-inovated things are related to social anxiety, I think. I've got some the problems you mentioned. Meanwhile, I'm also 100% confident that I'm an AVPD. Maybe social anxiety is a reason for AVPD, maybe.