Help for a schoolmate

Hi everybody! Sorry if I write in your forum also if I'm not avoidant, but maybe you can help me. I have a schoolmate that is always alone and never talks with the others. I don't know if he is avoidant, but his behaviour makes me think to this. I thought that he was only shy, but I'm quite shy too and sometimes I don't want to join a group if I'm not 'invited', but if somebody calls me I'm happy to stay with the others. Instead, if I or somebody else try to talk with him (and we tried several times) it seams that he doesn't want...sometimes he neither answers. I don't understand if he really prefears to stay alone or if he'd like to stay with us, but there is somethings that blocks him. I'd like to become his friend, but at the same time I don't want to put him unconfortable...maybe if he wants to stay alone I should respect his decision...I don't know. I wanted to ask: what do you think that I could do for him? In a similar situation what would you prefear that people do: that they let you in peace or that they try to involve you?
Thank to everyone who wants to give me an advice. Sorry if maybe I made questions that seem obvious, but I don't know very much about this disorder (I neither know how I could understand if I really has it). Every feedback would be precious.

hi beaflower,

i think what you want to do is really sweet.
but complicated, too. i've been in situations where someone else making the first step has really helped me and in others it has made me feel horrible. since being invited to participate when i feel that i can't actually do so because my fear reduces me in such a way that there really isn't anybody left to talk to not only makes me sad but also, in the case of me saying no to an invitation, starts this whole new fear of having rejected someone and not being liked because of that. plus, the whole disappointment for being such a coward and having missed my opportunity and so on...

but you sound like someone who could understand if someone maybe did not want to go to a big party immediately and since ultimately being alone sucks i kinda have to root for your classmate to get you as a friend.
of course this is only my very personal perspective, your classmate might be entirely different and enjoy his solitude.

maybe you could contact him in written form? again, that makes things easier for me personally, don't know about him. but it's definitely less confrontational = less chance of making a fool out of yourself plus a chance to actually breathe and think before answering. see if he answers and take it from there??

Try not to diagnose him with anything.

If you keep offering friendship and it keeps being denied, then he doesn't want it. I don't know what level of schooling you're in, but perhaps he just wants to focus on school and has friends and family that he spends time with who do not attend that school.

Unless he was to tell you, there's really no way at all to know why he doesn't engage with anyone. It could be too much anxiety, or it could just be his preference.

If you want to keep reoffering friendship to him, that's fine, but he might never choose to reciprocate it.

Yes, I can understand if he desn't like big parties and similar things...I'd be happy also if we just can say 'hi' each other every day and talk a bit before the lessons...sometimes it happens that we are the first to arrive, I think that it's a pity that I stay alone and he staies alone. But sometimes he answers...maybe I can wait one of those occasions to try talking more. About writing...maybe it's a good idea, if the right occasin comes. Thank you! I'll see what happens and I'll decide what I could do.

This is the problem...if he really prefears to stay alone I can accept it without any problems, but if he doesn't like to stay alone I'd prefear to help him...it's really difficult to decide what's the best thing to do. I hope that you are right and that outside school he isn't alone. Thanks for answering.
P.S. I'm at university

Especially while at university.... there's a lot of opportunity for him to have friends elsewhere. I had a bunch of courses where I never spoke to a soul - especially in lectures. Even in smaller courses, there were always people who didn't have any desire to really have conversations with others. It's fairly normal and common. Some people just want to go in, focus on the class, and get out.

There's even a chance that maybe he thinks you are trying to hit on him, and he doesn't want to encourage that.

I'd probably just continue saying hello when I arrived and then not bothering about it. I'm sure you've got a lot more to worry about than him!

Yes, I think that I'll go on saying 'hello' and stop...and I'll see what happens. I hope that he didn't misunderstand. Thanks to everybody for the suggestions!

There's nothing wrong with saying hello to someone everyday

When I was in university, I spent a month doing a placement... so I had to take the bus. I'm from a small town, and even though I hatteeee feeling like I stand out, I'm from a place where it's normal to smile and say hello to everyone.

The bus driver, like many other big city bus drivers, wasn't all that friendly and just did his job. Throughout the month, he eventually started to say hello back to me, and it got to the point where I'd get on the bus and he actually BEAT me to smiling and saying hello!

Although it made me feel embarassed that he recognized me.... at least I know it was from something positive.

He might not show it, but maybe he would appreciate the hello. Or not! No way to know