I think I have AVPD...and something else?

Lol, I'll warn you here: this may be a very long post. I want to include some details to get the best advice that I can.

For 6 years of my school experience (elementary and high school), I was very very quiet. I was afraid of interacting with people, because I was afraid of being rejected (or whatever worse case scenario i made up appeared). I spoke to close to no one, had no friends. But this would jump around;

grade 5-7th, almost silent, no friends.
8th grade (decided i'd stop it, made friends that year, had fun)
9, back tracked to grade school. No speaking to anyone.
10th, someone befriended me that had friends, had friends that year.
11,12th, they moved away, one stayed, but didn't talk to me anymore.

When I say silent, i almost never initiated conversation, when someone spoke it made me very afraid. My voice would be quiet and cracked (due to not speaking for so long), and I'd say as little as I could. I'd stay to myself at all times, choose to work independently if i could.

I'm much better as to speaking to people now, but sometimes I shrink back into this nature. I now have a lot of friends, but meeting new people (especially confident, extroverted ones makes me very nervous) just paralyzes me. I rely on my best friend a lot during social meetings, she usually speaks, and I hang back.

Since high school, Ive gained a lot of confidence, but sometimes something happens at a party, social meeting, etc, and I fall back into this despair that i'll always be this shrinking violet.

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Ive also juggled with the thought of being depressed, but I don't think i am.
I do get really really down, crying a lot, wallowing in self-pity and hate, that can last as short as a week to a full month. I'll may scratch, bite, myself (a mild form of self injury) when im crying, or listen to music very loudly to distract myself.

I go through these mini breakdowns every couple months, but something will usually trigger it.

I hate crying because if i start, i will for a while. Then I get headaches, etc. I often think of death/suicide, but I know im too afraid to actually do it. I don't want to upset my family and other factors, so i tease myself often about being to afraid to kill myself.

SO i go up and down with this, knowing that i actually never will do it, but it pains me to think that i do think about dying.

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Ive told my mom many times I think I have avpd, and she shrugs it off and say that i don't. I've told my brother once, he did the same. Which aggravates me, because they pretend like i havent been alone all these years.

It started in 6th grade, i really wanted to run away (but it wasnt practical, and id end up back at home anyway, and it would just be a big scene). So ive been wanting to be away from my life since then.

i have all the symptoms of avpd. It has lessened since school - a bunch. But I still show them all in smaller ways.

Around 9th grade, I'd just go home and sleep (that was as close as i could get to death) and If i wasn't asleep i felt like i was just wasting time with my life. I wasn't doing anything worthwhile.

Sometimes i'd document this when im upset like this, other times i wont.

Im afraid of telling my family or friends i think of death, i think it'll ruin this cookie -cutout idea that i'm an angel. It terrifies me. I don't know what's wrong with me, like im broken or something.

I do have a positive outlook for the future, that i won't always feel this way, but waiting for that to happen stresses me out, and that i keep going up and down this way for years also makes me very upset.

There's also many other details/incidents that i didnt mention, i don't want this to get too long.

What i'd like to know, is if anyone has any idea what these fantasies of dying mean for me, whether i have another condition?

If it has gotten better since school it might not be AvPD (plus you say you have lots of friends now). Personally I think I used to just be social phobic but became AvPD over time... maybe social phobia is more relevant to your situation, but that's just my take based on your post.

Also depression... I think about killing myself but have never actually been close to going through with it like you so I can definitely relate to that. Just a nice thought to think I have a backup plan, haha.

I think of dying when I am overwhelmed by everything and don't want to deal with any of it so I hide out from it, but when reality starts creeping in I get suicidal ideation. I also don't think I'm "classically depressed" like you say, but most of the time have a constant low-grade depression (occasionally it gets pretty bad but I can still "maintain" to a degree). When I'm depressed it's not like I'm paralyzed in bed and not doing the things I absolutely have to and I don't really cry, but I think it's still depression.

The self-injury is most worrisome I think... that's a sign that you really should go see a psychiatrist or therapist I think (if you aren't already). The "going up and down" you mention makes me think of BPII/cyclothymia, and the self-injury makes me think borderline personality (but that doesn't sound right to me based on your post)... I would say definitely go see a psychiatrist if you can because they can definitely help you more than us and help you understand what it might be - whether it's social anxiety + depression or maybe something more. SSRI's can be really helpful, I think I am about to start taking paxil again. Bottom line, don't listen to my blathering, go see a good psych and good luck! Either way you are welcome to post here. Lots of people here are diagnosed AvPD, but suspect they are because of their avoidant tendencies.

At the end of my last post I meant "lots of people here AREN'T diagnosed with AvPD"

Thoughts of suicide, crying a lot, harming yourself - that would be depression. Depression often/usually accompanies personality disorders.

What makes you think you aren't depressed?