How would you characterize your personality disorder?

As the title indicates, I would love to hear how you would describe and characterize your experience with avoidant personality disorder and the way it has and still does affect your life. What are the greatest hurdles, how is it expressed in your relations to other people and especially yourself?

I am looking to expand my vocabulary and understanding of this PD as on Friday I am finally going to speak with the psychiatric nurse for my diagnosis, and I fear not being able to explain myself well enough. I really hope you guys can help!

(Not officially diagnosed with this).

It makes me a lot more hesitant in the things I do, and it's very easy for me to withdraw. I don't stand up for myself, and I've lost a lot of potential friendships by not being able to be assertive. In relationships, I can't voice my wants and desires and I can't express it when I don't want to do something - so I go along with what others want from me.

The hardest thing for me is to be doing something where I would be the centre of attention - when it's about me. I can actually talk in front of a crowd of people and be fine - so long as I'm not talking about me and whatever it is isn't ABOUT me (for example... I just hosted a trivia night in front of a large group of people. I had no problem with that because I wasn't talking about myself.) So... sexual relationships can be difficult for me, because I can't handle when all the attention is on me. I can't do things like birthdays for myself, I have a really hard time to make and go to appointments... I can't go to the gym because I'll feel like I'm being watched, even though realistically I know that no one would even notice me.

I also have a really, really, hard time with the concept that I'm a good person. I can list off all sorts of proofs that I am, but I still can't make myself BELIEVE that I am. I very much believe that everyone is better than I am and that I'm worthless. Nothing seems to lessen that, even though I wish it wasn't true and can list off reasons why I shouldn't believe it. I'm not even sure if that makes sense.

I am also not diagnosed with AvPD.

A lot of what Red Panda said applies to me as well. Except that I cannot comfortably talk in front of others even if it's not about me. But I still much, much prefer talking about a recent news story or something like that as opposed to myself. I hate small-talk and have very little to say most of the time. I never talk about my feelings and am almost incapable of doing so.

I do believe that most other people are "better" than me, at least as far as the real world / society is concerned. I definitely think I am a total "loser" by all objective standards, but I don't think I'm a bad person so much. I am a failure and a loser and live a laughably depressing life but I think I'm an okay person overall because I like to help people when given the opportunity and I'm never mean to strangers or anything. But I do think I'm a bad person in some ways, just don't preoccupy myself with it I guess... at least I have good intentions so that counts for something right?

I am an awkward person with awkward mannerisms and I often feel like people are noticing it and laughing at me - either to themselves or when I hear people laugh and didn't hear what they were joking about I often think it's because I was acting weird or stupid in some way and they are laughing at me. But I accept that I act strangely and awkwardly and accept that if they are laughing at me I deserve it and believe it to be justified by societal standards. I know I am a laughable person and I accept that, but I hide from society to shield myself from it.

I feel like I tried to fit into society in vain for many years and slowly began to realize that I didn't fit in and never would. Although from the beginning I went about trying to fit in all wrong because I have bad social skills. That said I have always been nervous, shy, quiet, had a hard time connecting with others, etc. I used to "give it my best shot" to some degree but now I have just given up and am mostly a reclusive alcoholic chain-smoker. It is more comfortable to me than "putting myself out there" because I have accepted (after years of putting myself out there) that I will always fail and be rejected and even if people put up with me they still think I'm a big joke even if they're being nice to me (some people are nice but it doesn't mean they respect you).

I also an extremely non-assertive like Red Panda said. This has always been a problem for me. I think if given a certain opportunity I could do something brave as I'm willing to risk my life to help someone or whatever, but overall I am a coward. I would like to be given the opportunity to do something great like pull someone off of a subway track as a train is bearing down but I don't think I'll get that opportunity, plus I would hate the recognition and would prefer to run off right afterward.

I would also like to go back in time and fight the nazis. If anyone has access to a time machine please let me know. I will keep my mouth shut about the future and just fight the nazis - I promise to try my best not to cause any time paradoxes or anything like that.

I think it boils down to that I am afraid of participating in life. I think this might be a major theme in all of those with AvPD. I am rather numb at this point but basically life terrifies me - it's overwhelming, complex, diffiicult and I am ill-equipped to deal with it. We are forced to try to get by one way or another because that is the nature of life, but we are terrified of life (99% of life is social after all). Personally that's how I'd sum up AvPD: "terrified of living"

Blah blah, rant rant. I would be interested to hear what other people here have to say about their avoidance. And if any of you want to fight the nazis with me let me know and I will get in touch as soon as I can get access to a time machine.

I characterize myself as an awkward retarded peson who has got no chance to get a social life.

I should have just said that instead of writing an essay about it. "I am awkward and socially retarded" sums it up well.

I have been diagnosed with personality disorder NOS but fit many of the traits of AvPD and with my experience, I often feel a disconnect with others because I feel like they are so different from me and that I am the lesser person, and inferior. I avoid friendships because in the end I don't want to get hurt because they don't like me or something. I have no idea how to maintain small talk, i ether say something too private or nothing at all. I will say random facts instead of saying hi how are you.I don't go out. I don't have anyone to hang out with other than my husband. I have never been to a real party. Never been to a bar. Never been to a club. I like being alone sometimes but crave some kind of connection but feel like I can't get it.

I'm not diagnosed with AvPD either, but I relate strongly to at least some of the symptoms. The Japanese concept "Hikikomori" resonates, too.

It's like ...

You want to be "more" but don't know how;
There's a feeling that you can be "either/or" in the world, you have to almost choose between different aspects of yourself and yet feel you are "both/and", It's somehow politically incorrect to just be your whole self;
It's like the inferiority complex from hell;
"Reality is where your dreams go to die";
It's a maddening itch that you can never, ever quite scratch;
You've buried or lost something you NEED in order to be fully functional;
It's like hoping to "win at life" yet feeling like you're in a big card game with a crappy losing hand and this terrifies you.

There is a lot of hesitation, holding back, submissive behavior, wanting to take risks and yet somehow "never getting around to it", and inability to fend off criticism not because you can't take it, but because you keep obsessing over whether it might in fact be true, no matter how logically absurd it is!

I'm getting really angry just thinking about this, because I can't seem to just chill out and make it STOP!!!! I hate it!!! I read that one person with AvPD stopped in the middle of therapy and said "I'm not showing up for my own life!". YES!!! I totally get that.

I really enjoyed that one.

Being forced to play in a football game and once you're on the field and kick-off is imminent you look around you realize that you're the only one with no pads, no helmet, no uniform and both of your arms are broken.

Thank you, guys, for all of your input! I really loved reading about each of your experiences and can only say that a lot resonate with myself. Hesitation, holding back, being submissive and never getting around to living your own life seem almost the essence of all that has been described.

Thanks again! I am currently writing my document that I am going to print out for the nurse tomorrow.. in case I should show up and forget everything and have my mind randomly wiped clean (or just blank). Hopefully I will get this diagnosis, not because I would love to be an avoidant, but because that is what I am, and I want THAT word which describes me so well, so that I can tell it to others and so that they can finally understand - so that I can finally understand myself - and finally find peace in that regard.

How did it all work out?

I wanted to post here after seeing the thread initially, but didn't know how to characterize it myself. It's so strange to think about that... Some of the responses, though, hit it pretty dead on.

OSFED|MDD/PPD|GAD|gender dysphoria|AvPD

Maybe I fit in another category, but my avoidance isn't from fear but because I just don't have anything in common. I love to talk about psychology, science, politics, fantasy, and even religion. But anyone I meet just wants to talk chit-chat or complaints about their life.
I do all right with a group of people, but if one of them asks me out to lunch, I will avoid it like the plague because I don't want to be bored to death. And if I do go, I encourage the person to talk about themselves because it's obvious they don't want to talk on a deeper level, and I'm just trying to get through the time we're stuck with each other.
Arrogant, I know, and I do have compassion for people, but I'm tired of being a fake.

I have not been officially diagnosed with this disorder, but I'm almost certain this is me in a nutshell, to me Avpd is having crawled into a safe little shell as a child, and never being brave enough to come out again, me as a person is defective and unacceptable, so I must try very hard to fit in and be accepted, but it's not really me, cause I'm still hiding in the shell, it's a part of me that has learned how to play the game, to pretend to be socially normal, unfortunately this gets very tiring and with very little gain.