Talking...

I posted on here a while back about my problems and how sh;t my life is. Since then I feel I've made some progress in getting some routine in my life and reducing my day to day anxiety but in reality I'm no less avoidant than before, in fact I may even be more so. (To recap, I'm a man in my late 20s, have no friends and almost never go out to public places, not even to the shop. Almost all I do is stay in my room and play computer games, watch videos and generally waste my life)

I've been thinking that I really need to start talking to someone about my problems, that maybe that will help me actually start to deal with my avoidance. I still live with my parents but I don't talk to them or anyone else about my problems. I'm pretty sure they have an idea of what my problem is but I never discuss it with them or anybody else, which makes me feel very isolated. I suppose I feel they wouldn't really understand and that they'd only start pressurising me to go to the doctor or something. My mum has always been sort of understanding of my problems but my dad much less so, so I wouldn't want him finding out at all.

I suppose I'm just wondering if other people are in a similar situation to me here who haven't told anyone about their anxiety/avoidance problems or people who were in this situation but started talking to someone about it - and how much it helped. Thanks.

Hi Noprogress. I would like to welcome you to Psych Central. I have the same situation where I live. I am living with my mom and dad, and I can't talk to them. I see a doctor about every 2 or 3 months, but that's all.

At least I have PC. It's like my second family. I hope you find the answers soon. There are a lot of great folks on the forums.

Sincerely,

Piaeus

I can't say whether it will help you (though I bet it would at least somewhat) but it surely couldn't hurt and it could potentially help a lot. Just say ***** it and give it a try if you're considering it. I have been to a therapist before (years ago) and I found it to be somewhat helpful.

hi Piaus,
It's nice to hear I'm not the only one in this situation. I do sort of feel like I'm the only person in the world who is like this much of the time, which doesn't feel too great.

I suppose at least you see someone about your problems even if it is only every few months. I was wondering does it actually help you feel less isolated and that someone in the world has some understanding of your problems? And does it help you feel like you can get over your problems? Thanks.

For me it just feels like no one really understands why I behave the way I do and why I'm so reclusive and that people must be judging me for it, which of course tends to produce a lot of anxiety and make my problems worse. I suppose I feel if I had a "diagnosis" people might be more understanding and wouldn't judge me as weird or lazy or whatever else.

Hi nowhere, thanks but I don't know if I'm brave enough to just go ahead it regardless.

I believe that something that might be helpful is trying psychotherapy. If you are having doubts about it or about going face to face with someone for therapy, you could try online therapy and see if it works for you. At least writing helps and talking too but you have to start to make sense of why your thoughts trigger emotional reactions such as anxiety and once you get to the root of those thoughts, start to change them in order to live a much more pleasant life and discover many of the wonders that are out there.
Best wishes...

Hi NoProgress,

My vote is to definitely tell someone. Anyone. Secrets increase shame. We live in a world of facades. People can't be themselves. You may be suffering from AvPD, but others are suffering from Depression, Addiction, OCD, Childhood Trauma, etc. Most everyone hides and puts on the mask. Its not healthy for anyone.

I believe in exposing things to the light. That's why male celebrities go on talk shows and talk about being raped. Do you think its easy? No. They have learned that exposing the secret reduces the shame, not increases it, and helps others too.

Don't get me wrong. I am not confident enough to go around telling everyone I have AvPD. I don't. However, I have probably told about 6-8 people in my life. Surprisingly, no one has taken off running. Some people I tell I have social phobia or social anxiety. Again, no one has yet been horrified. The fact that no one is repelled like I believe they will be helps my condition.

Years ago, I had a crush on this guy I worked with. It got so bad, that just him entering the same room I was in made me turn red instantly. It was horrible. He would come to talk to me about work related issues, sometimes several times a day, and I would keep turning red. I was in hell. I thought and thought about what I could do, besides quitting my job, to make this stop. The only answer I could come up with is to tell him... to take the power of the secrecy and shame away. So one night, on the phone, I told him I had social anxiety and that's why I was turning red all the time. I did not tell him everything, but I told him a good portion of the truth. I told him he made me nervous. He was very kind and understanding. And you know what, my plan worked. Next time he approached me, I was not as consumed with being judged or trying to hide something (because he already knew). The blushing stopped (there may have been another incident or two, but it lost its power quickly).

I talk to a therapist who knows about my AvPD. I find it helpful, if even just to not hate myself so much all the time. My dad knows about my AvPD. He didn't really understand for years, and that was OK. He is now learning and starting to get it and even see his role in it. However, that all has to do with HIS stuff, not mine. My mom does not know. My mom is not a safe person, and I will never tell her.

Again, I'm not advocating that you start shouting it from the rooftops yet (although that does tend to make disorders lose their power). I AM advocating that you tell someone. Someone relatively safe (as no one feels completely safe). Maybe your mom or maybe a therapist.

Yeah I have tried a bit of self-help CBT, which seemed to help a bit but i found it too difficult to constantly uncover the specific events and thoughts that trigger my anxiety. I would like to get therapy of some kind, preferably involving CBT but the major obstacle is that for face to face therapy I'd probably have to tell at least one of my parents and for online therapy I don't have enough privacy for a webcam session. Maybe if it could be conducted just by typing I could probably manage that but I've never heard of that kind of therapy being available. Maybe it wouldn't be practical I don't know.

Hi 3xjj,
Thank you very much for your helpful reply. I have to say I couldn't agree with you more on so much of what you say, especially on the role shame plays in avoidance and anxiety. Over the past few months I started to realise just how much shame I feel about myself and my various problems and how this makes it so difficult to talk about them to anyone. I think I learned to feel ashamed about myself for many things from an early age and it just got worse and worse over the years as I tried to hide myself more and more from people.

I do think telling someone might well help reduce the shame I feel but it still seems pretty daunting to actually do it. I suppose I hate the thought of my father, in particular, of finding out and using it to undermine me or belittle me, like he has done with virtually every other problem I've ever had in my life. I suppose I could ask my mum not to tell him and I think she'd probably agree but I don't know for sure that she wouldn't tell him at some point.

Going for therapy in itself seems pretty daunting because I'd pretty much have to tell at least my mum and it seems inevitable that my dad would find out too. If he found out it would seem like an admission to him that I'm messed up and inferior to him and that his low opinion of me is right. If i could go to therapy in complete secrecy I'd do it in a shot but I live in a fairly rural area and don't drive so it would be virtually impossible for that to happen.

Maybe I'm just putting obstacles in my way a bit but I do feel like I'm much closer to being able to tell someone about my problems than I've probably ever been in my life, so hopefully I can find way to do it someday soon.

Sorry, I wasn't trying to make it sound super easy and simple... I was nervous about it too, but I ending up finding that it's much easier (for me at least) to talk to a psychiatrist or a therapist than a friend or family member. It's obviously a bit tougher face to face, but I found it kind of similar to the way it's easier to post on here and be honest about things.

Plus, most people who become psychs or therapists do it because they have some issues themselves and want to help others with mental issues so you know you're in good company!

I find that I tend to tell person A a little bit, person B a different little bit, person C even still a different bit... I spread out who I tell what to. Eventually it gets easier, and then I can share more with each person. You don't have to tell someone everything, but sharing the tiny pieces that you're able to helps to move past some of the fear and helps to build trust... both which are really, really hard!

I agree with A Red Panda... This would help anyone with trust issues. There's nothing to be ashamed of, this is a disorder, like any other...Good luck
Peace,
Fuzzy