I'm a mask-wearing "diplomat"...

Hi, everyone
I'm not sure this is the right place to post, but the fact is, I have a personality problem. Which is, I am too diplomatic and avoidant and flexible, to the point I don't know who I really am-I've ended up defining myself only from the things I can do (artist, scientist, gamer e.t.c.)

It started years ago: I had social phobia and maladaptive daydreaming. I spent about 10 years in my own little world (I'm 27 now). After admitting I had a problem, I fought it and got out (at my 24). BUT-this doesn't mean I suddenly knew how to socialize, so I had to fake it. So I started (1) speaking as I thought others would, (2) mimicking actions I didn't 100% agree with just to connect, and (3) to avoid conflict at all costs, even at things 100% against my ideals. I thought I'd become stronger by time, that it'd pass, but it became my second nature. I always were the diplomatic type (the "good kid" ) but before it all started I weren't afraid of speaking my mind, or even fight, if diplomacy failed. I weren't a fan of following the norm either. I know who I am by myself, I'm calm and creative and always find ways to have fun. Also silly and annoying sometimes. But ONLY when I'm by myself. With others... It looks like all my progress is not being afraid to go out and chat, and to not get lost in thought every 2 minutes (which were big steps for me, but it's been 3+ yrs).

I've tried being more spontaneous, more free, more sincere, but the most I achieved was whining or distancing myself. The "just do it" thing doesn't seem to work (it never worked for me, actually-I always had to find the reason things work in a way) When I think "I just gotta be myself", I'm taken over by a need to make a backpack and go on a solitary self-searching trip. But I've had enough self-searching years, and I'm too busy fighting for survival to run off somewhere. What I need is to figure out what's that block in me that doesn't let me to fully accept myself, my worth, and the resolve to defend my dreams and beliefs. Any thoughts may help.

from your post it sounds like you know yourself pretty well. that is a start. it is going to take time to get more socially adjusted. you haven't been at it for very long. think what small steps you can take to change and do it a little at a time. take care.

Thanks
You are right...it's a start!

The reason I'm here is because I don't know what small steps to take, though...I feel "blocked" and I'm not sure by what. I mean, if I'm not openly myself I won't find the relevant company, right? Yet at the same time, I'm trying to speak everyone's "language"...mostly cause I know expecting from others to understand me first is usually unrealistic (let's face it, I'm a strange person...at my 22 I still had imaginary friends. By choice. How crazy is that? I'm not confessing such things even to my best friend, but it tells something about who I am ) I'm not afraid to screw up every so and then-ok, I'm anxious, but no one has died by talking weird. However, people have their limits, and I'm not confident I know them yet.

I wear a lot of masks too... and yeah, they're second-nature and I can't really separate it from my "natural" self.

It's incredibly frustrating or disheartening sometimes, because I don't really know who I am. But I know who I've made myself, and sometimes that's alright with me! I can list off things about me that I really believe are ME... like my preferences and skills. But my behaviours are mostly fake... but really... it's just self-taught which is how I see it when I'm in a positive frame of mind.

How to start showing more of you? Well, start with the people you're closest with, and try to open up a bit more. Just little bits if you're worried. Hell, even talk with them about how you have so many insecurities and feel like you are wearing masks all the time (if you've got people you feel really close with anyway). Just start small really, and pick out the things about you that you think will be compatible with each person. (eg..... I really enjoy asking random questions like "what superpower would you pick?"... but I only do that with people who I think will be receptive or tolerant of it. Other people I'll slowly expose my sorta-mean sense of humour (usually self-defacing) but again... it's only with people who I think would be receptive to that.

Well, it's actually people around me who brought my problem in focus...and it's mostly the same people that helped me bring my socialization problem in focus (before I fixed it). They're not pushy or anything, it's just that since I realized it I'm not happy with it either. I am trying to open up, but it only works to a point...and I can't figure out why.