Do you ever wonder...

I've been thinking about how often you see someone who acts horrible to everyone around them, yet the people they interact with just put up with the behavior. For instance, enablers of drug or alcohol abusers. I know, it's usually because they feel an obligation or a family commitment, but how on earth does a person retain feelings for someone that is simply unlikeable?

I know for myself and probably most Avies, I go to great lengths to keep my distance, so I don't mean to imply that I think people should make MORE effort on my part... I just wonder what the hold is, and why some people seem to have it, and others don't.

Another example: There's always at least 1 person in an organization, family, job that has everyone on pins and needles. Everyone's accommodating to them in person, but behind their back they all speak ill of them.

Hello fraidykat: Thanks for bringing up this interesting subject. I think most people are just trying to get along as best they can without ruffling feathers, as we like to say. So if there's someone who is difficult to get along with, most people avoid the person when they can & try to accommodate, or make allowances for, the person when the person can't be avoided. And, of course, with family members, people just put up with whatever a difficult family member dishes out just to "keep peace in the family."

There certainly do seem to be people who just thrive on conflict. But I think most of us just want to go along without getting into argument & discord. Personally, I have reached a point in my life where I just no longer have any interest in dealing with other people's issues. From my perspective, there is nothing to be gained from it. All it does is to cause my anxiety level to soar. And it rarely, if ever, ends up making any difference. As such, I live life very much as what I like to term an "urban hermit". Yes, I live in a large metropolitan area, and I do go out as needed. But I neither want nor have friends, I avoid crowds at all costs, & I don't get involved in other people's issues.

That totally makes sense, thank you Skeezyks!

Okay, here's a couple more that have been 'refreshed' in my mind due to the over-kill of the publics xmas spirit...

Although it doesn't depress me personally (because I ignore Christmas hoopla by choice) I think it's borderline rude when virtual strangers ask, "So, what are you doing for Christmas?" and after Christmas it's, "Did you have a good Christmas? What did you do?" Lonely people, don't want to look pathetic to a stranger and have to say, "nothing, I have no friends/family" or something like that?! I get that the people who just love the season and get all squirrelly with glee could never imagine there's people that aren't excited about it, but perhaps it's something they should think about?

The other thing along this line, is when someone asks a couple if they have kids, and if not they say, "why?". Another example of an innocent and well meant, common thing to say ~ but in reality, there's only 2 reasons they don't have them, 1.) they can't or 2.) they don't want them. Either way, you're either a close enough person that you already know the answer, or you're not close and it's not any of your business! Really, it's a pretty personal question when you think about it...

When someone asks me about Christmas, I say: "I don't do Christmas."

Different reasons, I think.

As an 'enabler' of an alcoholic mother, I can give insight there. In the case of enabling - for me - it's because of an innate desire to feel needed, and loved. I'm lonely elsewhere, and I fear that if I go against her desires (in other words, allow her to face the consequences of her alcoholism or encourage her to recover, and stop allowing it) that she will reject me. I realize, deep down, that it's better to have her be angry at me for a little while, than to keep enabling her addiction, but my fear of rejection still makes it hard for me to stop enabling her. If that makes sense?

As far as people tolerating jerks, I did read once that those people just tend to be more... confident? I'm not sure if that's the right word. But more social, in any case. So people have to interact with them more. I'm not entirely convinced they're always liked. They're just impossible to ignore/avoid, and most people don't want to be rude themselves (even if the person is rude). This can give the illusion of popularity (or being well liked).

As far as the kid question, it is very rude. I never ask it, and I don't think anyone should. Ever. There are many reasons people don't have kids (one being they can't). A lot of it just goes back to social constructs. We are raised, pretty much, to believe having children is the end goal. Those of us that can't, don't, or don't want to (I'm the latter) are thus often questioned about it. These normal - seemingly harmless - questions bother me, too. Such as 'What do you do?'. Saying nothing always gets an awkward "... Oh."