I cannot shake the feeling that my whole life depends on one girl

I'm 25 years old and I've never had a girlfriend or been emotionally close to a girl. It's not like I haven't had any chances. Alltogether there were about 3 girls interested in me (without me initiating it). I haven't used any of these chances. There was always some excuse ... she lives too far, I am not attracted to her, she doesn't know the real me and she will eventually dump me etc.

For the last couple of months I've had the opportunity to be around a nice, fun and smart girl. Over time I've gotten comfortable and confident around her. I've also managed to get emotionally closer to a girl than ever. She is my coworker, she's a nice girl and everyone likes her, but she is a puzzle.

First it started with her making jokes while going for eye contact, jokingly teasing me, attracting my attention which she liked, this went on for a week or two. Then suddenly she went cold. After that back to normal with sending me mixed signals. Now she acts towards me in a strange way. Sometimes standing too close to me, but being nervous when I walk near her in a narrow space. There are a bunch of other signals. On top of everything she has a boyfriend. I've stopped trying to get what this all means. So I am NOT ASKING YOU WHAT HER BEHAVIOUR MEANS.

If I think that she likes me then I feel that EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE FINE AND I FEEL LIKE I AM ON TOP OF THE WORLD. I make jokes, I am happy, optimistic, I talk more and I feel more like sharing stuff about me.

If I think she doesn't like me (and just enjoys the tension that there is between us just to make work interesting) then EVERYTHING IS HOPELESS. I am bummed out sad. I am not talkative and just pretend I am smiling. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up because I am just going to be hurt, but if I don't I just feel HORRIBLE. I feel like life is not worth fighting for anymore. I feel like AvPD is too difficult to handle. I am so disturbed that I cannot do my work or enjoy the stuff I do when I am alone.

These "mood swings" happen when I am not around her and when I have the time to think things over.

The worst part is that I spend literaly 8 hours a day from Monday-Friday in an office with her (there are four of us there). So I am reminded of this EVERY DAY. Being alone after work just gives me time to think and makes things worse.

Edit: I feel stupid and pathetic because of this.

Hi there!
I have not a lot of experience in heart matters but I will give you my opinión.
As avoidants we crave for human contact, specially for a soulmate. This need makes us enjoy contact moments much moré than normal people. As a drug effect.
When you see or believe to see a distance between you and that girl, your mood falls down in a deeper way than normal people.

You are very young and you will have moré experiences like this so what can you do? It's easier saying than doing it. Try to approach these situations in a more rational way. I know it's very hard but you have to try it.

Said that, you have to look for illusions in little things such us, the well you are doing your work, the nice you are being with your coworkers or strangers...so your confidence and happiness won't depend on a single person.

Now, you are free to tell me "go to hell". Lol! I know it's difficult love is marvellous.

I've managed to rationalize it .

She wasn't playing with me... I was playing with her. In fact I've been unknowingly playing with girls my whole life. When I say "playing", I meant "eye contact/body language only flirting". I've always felt anxious around girls I like and I always went for eye contact. Never ever leading to anything else.

There was a girl I felt the need to do this with, but she didn't notice me. Two years later, she gave me a bunch of signals that she is single and that I can approach. Suddenly I wasn't interested in her.

During a New Year's Eve party at my friends apartment. I did this with a girl I wasn't attracted to (I didn't know why at that time, I just did it). A couple of days later she told my friend she is interested in me. He then told me ... twice. Both times I just ignored his words.

It's as if I am doing this because I enjoy it, but I am scared of going forward. Whenever a girl showed me she is interested, I've always managed to find a reason why us being together is not possible. Me being not good enough is the biggest reason.

Edit: Now I feel fine. I realize that I also have a certain power over other people (I've always felt like they have all the power over me).

I don't think having power over someone is fine. What you have to do is having power over yourself. I mean, better your confidence, your self-steem, improve your social ability, use your good qualities to make yourself and others happy.

I understand what you say about playing with girls. I guess it's like a child who is learning through games, experimenting how adults react to him/her when (s)he acts in a certain way. It's normal bc you are very young. Don't blame yourself for this.

Do you think that if you see your coworker is into you, you are going to lose interest in her?

Yes I understand what you mean.

I think you are right.

I don't think I will lose interest in her, but I have noticed me doing this with girls in the past.

Well, I just want to say that I am going to go for it.

I won't really say I like her, I will show it through my eyes and hope for the best. This was always my biggest fear.

I am going to do this. Even if it means rejection. If she does reject me she will probably say that she doesn't know what I am talking about.

EDIT: OK, maybe not... my fear just overpowered my thoughts.

Remember that she has already a boyfriend so the rejection is quite possible in a first moment. I will cross my fingers for you.
I see you now as Braveheart. Lol!

Fear of rejection/what people MIGHT think about us is one of the main hallmarks of AvPD/Social Phobia. Sounds exactly like what you're describing. On the other hand, developing crushes and being afraid to act upon them is something that happens to pretty much everyone at some point.

Yes, I realize that and will prepare for it. Thank you

This "what will she think about me" was precisely my fear... that she will think everything I say is obvious and I am just a silly inexperienced child.

Today I woke up an hour earlier and I can't sleep. I thought about it and I am going to do it. There is only one life and these chances don't come up too often. To hell with it .

This morning, she said that I was in her dream. I sit behind a computer during coffee break. So she told me to check out what her dream means. The website I found basically said that the dreamer is "trying to express their feelings and that they have a need to be loved".

Around 10 am, me and her went to the kitchen to prepare breakfast. I asked her about what she thinks her dream is about. She said that she doesn't know, that it's probably because we spend a lot of time together and that it doesn't mean anything. I was showing emotions the whole time. She was done preparing and asked me "Aren't you going to make your soup ?". I told her I am not eating soup and that I brought something already prepared from home. She said "Ohh you tricked me into talking to you." with a faint smile.

Basically she ignored everything, but she understood it because... after this, she went hyper-happy. It wasn't the emotional happiness she was showing me for the last two weeks. That emotional happiness is what I fell for. Now it was more like outloud but still fake happiness. She already showed this " fake happiness" two months ago when it all started, then stopped it and started showing me emotions.

The strange thing is that I didn't feel very bad. I just shut myself up, not being able to laugh or be sad. I just wanted to go home ASAP. I still feel like this. It's like I got hurt and reverted to the old state I was in before she came.

So I WAS being emotionally played just so that she can stroke her ego for a day. A normal person would at least feel some form of awkwardness and empathy that he/she can't return the same feelings. She didn't show this AT ALL. Now I wonder whether her dream was pulled out of a dream interpreter she probably has at home.

This is the first girl I felt comfortable around being a human being, showing my emotions freely and she ended up being an emotional succubus.

Edit: There is still tomorrow, but I highly doubt it. She kinda did try to cheer me up, but I am not sure if it really was cheering up. It more felt like "I went a bit too far, maybe this will partially fix it."

Ok, I don't think she is all this, but the fact that she was extra happy hurt me. I was expecting something else.

Sorry, Orvel for my understanding but I don't know how to take your last post. I have read it twice. Do you think the girl is playing with you? Am I right? If I'm wrong, tell it to me.

Call me idiot but it seemed to me that the thing was right. I'm confused. Anyway, I told you in my first post that I haven't got many experiences in relationship.

At first I thought I am right, then I slept on it and then though that I was just angry and misinterpreted the whole thing. Now, I am confused myself. I don't know what to think.

Just an hour ago, a girl that works in a store... I see her from time to time. She is friendly to me, but I am not interested in her (and never was). I was making small talk and she told me that she never goes out. I asked her why. She told me she has nobody to go out with and that I can call her so that we can go out together. I understood the message... I could see the fear in her eyes as she said that... I felt really bad that I can't return the feelings.

I was instantly reminded of the situation I was in. Except I was sad that I have to refuse her, my coworker on the other hand was happy.

The craziest thing is that my coworker is a sweet girl, she always has a positive look on life, she never complains about anything, she is never angry (at anyone or anything, she just gets frustrated, but very rarely), she is nice to everyone and everyone likes her . It's really, really, really difficult to hate her. She talked to me and joked with me today... like nothing happened.

From your words, she's a marvellous person then.
Remember that she has a boyfriend.
Time will tell you how she responds to you.
You were very brave. It's not easy for an avié man to daré to do what you did.

Thanks, but except for physical attraction, I don't feel anything for her anymore .

From these little manipulations she is not a great person. She just went to me because I was being interesting and I was constantly saying interesting things, opening up and talking about things that happened to me. Me showing interest was just a bonus for her. She needs attention and will do these subtle things just to get it.

For a long time she was making "eye-and-body-language-drama" that I couldn't stop noticing, but I didn't know what to think about this. Then for a couple of days she dressed sexy and was attempting to catch me looking at her. I didn't look, so she stopped and tried looking at me with extremely emotional eyes.

I thought there is something there, but there really isn't. If it were, she would take my feelings into account, but she didn't so she really doesn't care.

So she is not that great, she just looks that way. I guess this is a good lesson for me .

Sorry, Orvel!
I didn't understand this part about the attraction game. So you think that she used you for boosting her ego.
Are you completely sure? I have learnt lately that men are very prone to see a women is flirting with them when the woman is only being nice.
For example, someone told me that smiling a man could be intérpret as a sexual attraction for the man. When I do smile everybody all the time. It's my way to socialize. The same as calling names: I like calling people any kind of carefull name as: my guy, my girl, my heart, my love...nothing to do with sexual attraction. It's my way to be friendly and give peopl confidence with me.

Only an idea. I'm not saying that you are wrong or anything similar.

During the last two days she was confident and acted normally. Before THAT day ... she was being especially nice to me, wanting to be around me, looking vulnerable, emotional, standing close to me, constantly wanting to talk to me when I was alone and just asking ANY kind of question ... basically constantly doing these little things. I couldn't shake the feeling that something was going on. We were in the same office for literally 8 hours. She was doing this all the time.

Forgive me if I'm going to say a stupidiness.
Haven't you thought for a moment that she appreciates you and enjoy your company (you both spend lots of ours in the same office), so she is being like she is (funny, friendly...) but when she realized you wanted to be further with her, she wanted to put a stop.

What you say about she liking everyone, never being upset by people, optimist, glad, waiting the best from people...do you think a person like that can be a different thing to a nice person?

I'm learning now, yeah, I'm learning now, at my 42, how to deal with people. What is that about human relations. The fact that someone has different intentions towards us, to the intentions we have towards them, doesn't mean they don't care or they are bad people.

I talked to my therapist about the situation and she said some things about this that made sense.

My coworker saw that I am interested and wanted to put a stop? NO, SHE DID NOT! She didn't give me a single clue that said "I know what you are doing and you should stop". She went on like nothing happened. This doesn't mean she is a bad person. It just means that she is extremely extroverted and that is the way she works. She craves attention, everything is about her and she doesn't leave too much space for other people. She also consciously or subconsciously does these things just to get male attention and validation that she is attractive. This is her ultimate satisfaction and she doesn't see other peoples emotions very well. She always lives in the moment, that she creates herself and she doesn't worry or complain about the future or the state of her life.

I wasn't able to see her manipulative agenda because... there are no other guys our age in the office, I've never met a person who is so extroverted (where I live people tend to be introverted, also I am inexperienced), I've fallen for her (looked at her in an idealistic way) and because I analyzed the situation, but couldn't put myself in her shoes because we are different.

Welcome to the not knowing people's intentions club.
I also have a great unknowledge to read people properly. As I know my lack of ability to do it, I used to ask friends for help to intérpret some situations in my life.
What tough becomes life when you are a naive bc you avoid experiencing life.
This is the problem with having avoidance.