How to deal with someone with avoidant personality disorder?

I had a 7 months online relationship with a guy who suffers from avoidant personality disorder. We used to talk for 4 hours every single day and knew each other deeply. He broke up with me when we were about to meet in person. I forced the issue and when we met he had a panic attack. He is a virgin, and even though I am sure he loved me, I could understand how limiting his disorder is.
It’s been 2 years since we broke up, and I haven’t seen him since.
Lately we exchanged some emails and we will be having a video call on Sunday.
He still feels guilt for having let me down and fears being completely inadequate for romantic relationships. He is still a virgin. I don’t think he has stopped loving me. He just doesn’t know how to deal with these feelings. At present he is 25 years old, and I know if I don’t help him, he will never be able to have a healthy sexual and romantic life. I love him deeply and want to help him.
How can I not scare the hell out of him? How can I help someone who suffers from avoidant personality disorder?

Start by respecting him and seeing him as a full person, not as a project. Don't think you are his sole saviour. Honestly, your comment sounds very belittling.
Don't force him into anything, respect his boundaries.
maybe you should be asking him how you can help him. talk to him, really LISTEN to him. Just be there for him instead of trying to fix him. And be willing to accept that it may not work out - don't push it because you want to "help".

And hope that he never reads what you posted here. If I were in his shoes, I'd think you were only doing this out of pity. I know you said you love him but an avoidant won't believe that. All he will see is that nowhere in your post, you've said You wanted to be with him.... Only that you want to help him. I'm sorry if that sounds like I'm nitpicking but that's the way our minds work. That is what you'll have to deal with if you get into a relationship with someone with AvPD.

This is the second forum where people say I am trying to make of him a pet project. I want you all to understand that I do love him deeply, even though he has hurt me so deeply too. Can you imagine how humiliating it was to meet him in person and see him rejecting me?
I am putting my own feelings behind, and just being as understanding as I can. I know he has a very limiting mental disease, and despite that I still love him. I enjoy his companionship, he is a great guy. He just freaks out because of his fear of being touched. He has confessed it to me. It seems to be something beyond his control.
I feel it is so unfair that a beautiful person like him cannot enjoy the pleasures of loving and being loved.
I am sincerely trying to help him. My question here is "what can I do in order for my love not to scare the hell out him?"
Our breaking up was very traumatic for the both of us, but it didn't take from me the desire of being in a relationship, with him or somebody else. For him, on the other hand, it only assured him that he is unable to love and be loved. I wish I had contributed with his process of opening up.
I wish someone could understand my point. There must be a way of reaching someone who suffers from this condition. I just want to know if there is, and what it is.

There is nothing you can do to force someone to act in a way opposite of their nature. Nothing. If that's what you want, then you have to walk away. For both of you.

Can you imagine how it must feel for him to watch you in such pain, pain he has caused you? That is why avoidants avoid - they don't want to disappoint people.

The only way you can be with him is if you accept him as he is. No changes at all. If he can't be touched, he can't be touched, and that is all there is to it.

Ironically, if you can do that, there is a chance he will be able to open up more. But there is no guarantee of that. You can't expect it. It would just be a nice bonus if it happens.

I would advise you to end it. You tried. You failed. Find someone else now. Unless there has been a major change, you'll just keep repeating the same pattern. The only change that can be made is for you to accept you can't have a "normal" relationship with him, for you to lower your standards to match his. Why on earth would you want to do that? And even if you do, he will know that you want more, and it will hurt him every single day. Is that what you want? To hurt him every day of his life?

Find someone new. It's time.

Hello Brazilian, the comments above May sound a bit harsh, but you can't change someone with a personality disorder, if it was that easy to change, we would all be cured, maybe the best you could hope for is friendship, but if you want happiness in your love life, this relationship isn't going to deliver, it's all abit complicated unfortunately.

I do understand your point. I have been in a simular situation with someone I just couldn't reach, no matter how much I cared about him. Eventually I also had to accept that there was nothing I could do. That it wasn't up to me to decide that he "should" open up. It still makes me sad, but that's the way it is.

It sounds like you're making it about you - like you deserve to be rewarded for still loving someone "despite their mental disease". I'm sorry but it doesn't work that way. Loving someone does not equal accepting someone as they are. Either accept him and go as slowly as he needs to, or move on.

"If you want things to be healthy between the two of you, you have to drop the expectations. He is who he is, and you can't somehow change or fix it for him. The best way you can help with that is to accept him and the situation as it is.

If this is the second forum that sees you as treating him like a project, then you may want to really look at that within yourself instead of just trying to rationalize that you aren't. If you want to help fix or change him, then he's a project to you. It's sort of the "White Knight/Knight in Shining Armor" persona.

If I felt like I was dragging someone down so much that I was now a project to them... I would bolt. If I ever change, it's because of me - it's my responsibility. Someone else can't do that for me.

Take a look at the language you've used in this thread:

"deal with"
"forced the issue"
"I know if I don’t help him..."
"mental disease" (it isn't a disease, it's a disorder. Diseases are contagious or caught from something...)
"I am putting my own feelings behind.."

These key words and phrases point out that you're treating him as a project, as something that needs fixed/changed, as someone who is "less" than you.

Do you mean those things? Probably not outwardly. But he's probably picking up on the same vibe that those of us responding have.

It doesn't mean that you're a bad person, btw. Not at all. You do clearly care about him! But you're unintentionally pushing him away, just like when you forced the issue of meeting on him.

I appreciate all the answers.
I will be having a video call with him on Sunday after 2 years of not having any contact with him. We have exchanged some emails, and it is the first time in these two years that I see him willing to talk to me.
I just don't want to screw things up but hurting him because of my lack of understanding of his mindset.

I can say that it wont be the same as before, as this time he will be very measured in a way to have your friendship and but importantly having his escape route once the avoidance kicks in. I would guess that last time as things got serious he would have felt that there was allot of expectations over and above what he can handle plus loosing his personal space that his only way out was to was to withdraw.

The hard part is because you like him more than a friend so your going to want more than he can give.

Dear Snap66,
I’ve been receiving answers on my question from many people in many forums, and yours was the most precise. From what I’ve learned from him and from places where I’ve found information about his condition, I know I must be prepared for his withdrawal.
Still, the fact that he is willing to have the video call we are having tomorrow, shows that somehow he is facing the issue.

I guess the difference is answers from a diagnosed avoidant apposed to those who give answers on a avoidant forum.

Dear Snap66,
I notice your location is AvPville. I will be visiting it today. Thanks for the support! I will let you know how things worked.

In case anyone is curious, we had the call yesterday. He started by saying it would be our last contact because he can’t bear so much drama. He showed many signs of panic. It was very painful for me to realize I can cause him so much distress. Despite that, he said I have helped him, and he hopes someday he can have a healthy relationship with someone. It was a relief to know that I didn’t discourage him to pursue happiness.
The effect this call had on me was devastating, though. I feel quite pathetic, and just want to withdraw, so I apologize in advance if I don’t reply comments that might be given by you. I thank you all for the advice.

You have done nothing wrong, its the avoidance that has overwhelmed him.

Good luck! There is nothing you can do. It's his issue. He will have to work.
I'm sure you pushed him to go out of his situation but he couldn't do it.

Oh Brazillian, you didn't do anything wrong.

It must have been really hard for him to be honest with you - so it does show how much he values you to have gotten himself to have that conversation.

You will meet someone someday. Please don't withdraw; you aren't pathetic at all!