can you accurately see who you really are?

I'm pretty low at the moment, so I focus almost completely on negative aspects of myself. That's fine (unless you're listening to me talk myself down...) but even I have to admit that it's inaccurate.

For example, yesterday I cheered my son on at the Special Olympics. (He got a gold medal in the 100 meter!) He was thrilled I was there. He told two people today, who reported back to me, how happy he was for me to watch him, and that he kept saying, "She made it, she made it!" There were crowds of people and my son knows me - it wasn't a given I would show up.

I was the only parent from his school who came to watch, despite my anxiety. And yet my core belief is that I'm a terrible parent and my son deserves better. A "terrible parent" confronts their personal demons to be there for their kid? (I know someone else, same thing, crowds do him in, so his father-of-the-year level support of his kids is even more impressive, yet he doesn't see it in himself. Maybe it's part of being a parent, you never think you're doing enough for your kids.)

I have a good friend who is pretty annoyed with me at the moment for running myself down, who's been knocking himself out telling me, "Will you stop with the negativity? I know the truth, and that ain't it." (I'm paraphrasing. lol) Someone else pointed out to me that I'm not a politician or a lawyer, so I can't be that bad. lol

It's really hard. I have a pretty solid sense of myself, but it appears to be inaccurate, because my avoidance is keeping me from seeing the truth:

* There's what I "know" - my core beliefs - the self-loathing I cling to
* There's the truth - if something is good, then no matter who does it, including me, it's good
* There's the common consensus - if people who don't have anything to gain are consistently telling me something, chances are it's true

Those three things don't sync up for me, not at all. It's like when your eyes are focused on different things, and everything blurs and overlaps, but you can pick which eye to look through and ignore the other input. Which eye to choose to look through though?

I'm aware of this, which is the first step in choosing. But I'm not to the point where I can confront my core beliefs, no matter how "wrong" they are. I think it's very possible that avoidant people can have a dual self-image, one that is all negative and one that is more balanced, and they can stop and say, hold up, which one makes more sense? But when the pendulum dips back down, you forget you can choose, and you're stuck listening to inaccuracies.

I will probably have low self-esteem forever, no matter what happens to me. However, when something pops into my head, I don't have to take it on. I can test it for accuracy. I'm doing that now but failing at the moment. lol If I keep it up, one of these days I won't fail, and I'll be able to toss out inaccurate thoughts when they don't also align with the facts and the general consensus.

Good for you! I too have self-esteem issues and I know how hard it can be to learn to see the good person that you really are. I hope that tomorrow will be the day when you won't fail! Good Luck to you!

I have pretty much the same triangle of thoughts.

My core-beliefs don't match up with really, well, anything. My core beliefs and how I feel/think about others tends to make me seem like a hypocrite.

There are times where I can list off things that I consider good in others... that I have in common... but I always end up following it up with something to disqualify it.

Although I don't really ever share any of my low-self-esteem thoughts with my friends, or anyone really. Because I don't want to annoy or piss them off, and who wants to hear the negativity? So I keep it to myself.