Avoidance seems correct

So, this is my first time posting in a specific thread. This is the closest personality issue I could find for what I am feeling. I would say I likely have more than one problem, and that they all tie in together. Let's start from the beginning. Although it's very hard to admit, I have become a person who has talked about self-harm to get the attention of others. Not just random people, just people who have become very close to me. It's as if I panic in a situation and the words just fly right out, but I would never do anything to take my own life. This is my first time every really talking about it, and I wrote it out last night to make it real. I always pushed the issue to the side. I also have a very negative mindset. I think the worst of a situation, but then try to avoid the fact that I am being so pessimistic. The more I think about it, the more I realize I have been avoiding many things. Not so much social activities, but more so my own faults. I avoid admitting my mistakes in a relationship, as if I need to come up with an excuse to make myself feel better. But really, I just need to call myself out and get my life in order. My life is wonderful and I have everything to be thankful for, but I would love to be a more positive person. Almost like a kid when they are young and have no worries. I feel that having such a negative attitude causes me to want to hear from someone that they need me (the attention part), makes me avoid my faults and failures, and in turn makes me say really stupid things. I am hoping that by writing and talking to people on here, I can learn some of the underlying factors and take charge of my life again. I really look forward to hearing from anyone and their thoughts about what I can do to take steps in the right direction. Thank you for all of your help, and just being here in general.

Not everyone has an optimistic view on life, and that's ok. Pessimism brings something to society.

I guess from reading you mention that you say stupid things, working on thinking before speaking is a step to work on.

Hopefully others have insight.

I hear you saying you want to understand yourself better and between that and just the way you speak of what you're struggling with you sound like a really insightful person.

You say that you've mentioned thinking of self harm as a way to get attention. Are you sure that's why you mention it? I ask because I think people often feel a lot of shame around having those types of thoughts/feelings and there's a misconception out there with some that self harm is a gesture made to get attention. While some do end up self harming as an expression of their pain that communicates it visually to other's it's never a simple attention ploy.

I'm really glad you wrote down that you've considered SH, taken steps to acknowledge the thoughts more fully. As someone who's done it in the past I can assure you the thoughts, even if you don't think you'll do it are serious and a better understanding of why you have them and how to avoid acting on them is important. I wish I had never done it and I'm left with scars that keep me aware of a very painful period of my life. It's also kind of a Pandora's box that once opened can be hard to close.

I agree with healingme4me, sometimes optimism is overrated. I feel like the U.S. is almost a cult of positivity these days. It can be really frustrating when one just wants to say they don't like something. I find myself participating in it sometimes where someone tells me about a difficult situation and my first response is some "look on the bright side" thing. Sometimes some things are blah. If you're more negative then you want to be I bet you can work on that but, who knows, maybe you're more level headed or just responding to a culture that is hellbent on positivity. A lot of modern comedians take pessimism and make it funny.