Self-fulfilling prophecy

Sorry, I just need to rant.

Last year I quit my job and starting looking for something new. I couldn't find anything in my own field so I decided to broaden my search a bit. Obviously I did not handle all the rejections well. After one rejection that was particularly hard on me I had a "screw everything!" moment and sent out an application for a customer care job that I wrote in about 2 minutes. Of course this was not the most obvious choice for someone with AvPD/social phobia but I really liked the concept of the company and I felt ready to try something new. I wanted to learn new skills - I was scared of making phone calls and hoped this job could change that. I was quite excited about this job!

Until, against all my expectations, I actually got the job. Suddenly I panicked. "Why the hell did they hire me? What were they thinking? I can't do this! Do they have too high expectations of me? I can't do this! I CAN'T DO THIS!"
That's something that has been an issue for me for most of my life, thinking I can't do something. I was terrified in my first week. For some reason I was just 100% convinced that I was going to fail. I guess that is why to me, as soon as I had started, it felt like something temporary. Even though before I started, I really wanted to do this.

So of course, it wasn't long until I caved under the pressure and asked for my old job back. They accepted me and I quit. The thing is, I actually wasn't doing that bad at this job. And I liked it. The only thing that stopped me from succeeding was the thought that I couldn't do it. I completely sabotaged myself. I have one more week to go there before I go back to my old job and I feel very sad about it. My old job is safe, familiar and not too stressfull, but also very boring. There is no fear of failing because I know I can do it. But I feel so frustrated that I ruined this oppertunity for myself. It also sucks that I get on well with the person hired to replace me. I'm having a lot of laughs at work and that makes it even harder to leave.

The job I'm going back to does have its upsides. In my pro/con list it was a clear win. (Better salary, better hours, less travel distance, decent employee discount). But I'm standing still instead of moving forward, and I want to move forward!

Sometimes a therapist or career coach could help in such a situation, to help you push past your hurdles and reach your goals. Is the door still open to the place that you are currently employed?

I think it's really awesome you had a positive experience with this job. Sorry you're leaving when it's going so well.

Maybe work isn't the place to push yourself? Maybe now that you know you can handle and even enjoy something more socially demanding you can do some other things you've avoided? Idk, I know little about your situation but does sound like you got some valuable information/insight from taking the chance. With more money and less commute other options could be available for you to explore where you're income isn't dependent on avoidant traits not being overwhelming...

Very well said.
It's marvellous, Break that you showed yourself that you can cope with things you didn't believe you can do.
Said that, I'm agree that the less anxiety you have in your job, the better so I encourage you to come back your old job. You won't have to deal so much with customers and you already know all the advantages.
I know you can get some progress in your free-time.
See my thread about sense of belonging.
I know that for an avoidant is very hard to feel sense of belonging, I never had this feeling appart from an online forum. But, I always craved for this feeling and I will never give it up until I get it.

Thank you for this post, that made me see things in a different perspective! I also talked about it with my therapist and maybe I'm just doing the smart thing instead of taking on too much.

But like Azul said, that sense of belonging.... I was starting to feel that near the end so it is going to be hard to leave.

I used to feel that in my old job for the first few months, until things changed, and I still feel anger towards the people who ruined that. (They have left, otherwise I would not be going back)

healingme4me:
I don't know if the door is still open but I've only been there for two months so I don't think they'd want to take another change with me...