Evasive mask

Lise Bourbeau in her book "Heal your wounds and find your true self" describes the first wound, rejection, to explain the evasive mask some people wear. I, myself, identify this mask as the one in individuals with Avoidant personality disorder. But, this is only my view, a personal interpretation after reading her description.

Well, she says that people who wear this mask suffered a rejection from his/her caretakers or at least, the infant lived the situation as a rejection. She even is more specific when she claimes that the rejection came from the same sex caretaker.
This leads the child to reject him/herself and believes that everyone is gonna reject them, specially people the same sex.

In my case, it makes sense because my mother wanted a boy and I was about being given in adoption to my godfather.

I was wondering if you see related to this. Did you feel rejection from your same sex caretaker?

I did for the longest time as I had an absent father. Was really hard wonderng why my dad chose to leave, but you know, its not always what we perceive.

I was not rejected by caretaker. My parents were always critical to me, as they wanted a 'perfect' child. Their critical approach backfired. Now I'm most afraid of criticism and rejection.

My god! I'm reading the second chapter that it's about the second wound, the abandon. According to the author, feeling an abandoment gives place to wear the dependency mask. This time, she relates the dependency mask with an abandoment from the oppossite sex caretaker.
She offers a very wide picture of a person with dependency issues.

I recomend this book.

For me, i haven't been rejected by my parents but i was actually rejecting myself all the time or thinking i shall always be better because there are better people than i am. Although i have always been successful throughout my life, i was never satisfied with my self. i am now seriously questioning my ability to lead my life and looking for serious help

I encourage you to look for help. Mainly, bc many times it's easier that a profesional can see in yourself things you aren't still awared. That happens lots of times.
You say that you weren't rejected by anyone except yourself. But this rejection has to be for a reason. People are born to feel a healthy self-love and the contrary is something to work on.

I want to add more information since I finished the book.

She mentions five emotional wounds and how suffering from these wounds make us wear masks. These masks were a defence, an effort to cover these wounds and avoid more damage or the repetition of the damage but the problem is that the wound is only cover, it's not cured.

The rejection wound would give place to the evasive mask ( that I identify with the avoidant)
The abandon wound gives you the dependency mask.

On the third place is the humiliation wound driving to masochistic mask.

The controller mask is the one a person can exhibit when lived a betrayal wound.

And finally, the fifth is the injustice wound that may give place to stiffness mask.

The reading has been pretty interesting. The author, beside many behaviours that are typical of each wound, also describes how the masks are visible physically, in the body. Indeed, she states that many times is easier to see and recognise the mask or masks you wear, in the body than in your mind.

Another interesting point I loved in the book is how the reader can recognise the different personalities disorders or traits of personality in each of the wounds.

Evasive mask is the one who wears the avoidant.
The dependency is clear, the dependant.
The masochistic is not clear for me, perhaps the dependency and the borderline.
The controller mask is borderline and narcissist.
The stiffness mask is quite similar to the Perfectionist and the Schizoid.

There are many behaviours described that let you come across why you sometimes behave in a certain way. What need you are trying to fill.

I guess there are some questionable points in the book, for example, the focuss on the physical appearance and how the book ends where the author describes a great amount of good characteristics in the true persons, the persons who are behind the masks. I'm working in answer this. But I think the book might worth a try.

Is there someone here who knows about the book or about the author and wants to comment on it. Or ask me questions if you are interested.

No but from peers growing up I had a lot of this and that affected me in ways that are still affecting me

You know what, I honestly don't know anymore. I always thought it was rejection from my peers that made me this way. But now I'm wondering.

My parents were supportive, sure. They believed in me when I didn't. Told me I could do anything I wanted. But maybe they weren't there for me as much as they should have been. They both worked full time. I never saw that as a straight out rejection - to me it was just completely normal to only see my mum in the evenings and weekends and my dad on his days off. Still, it is possible that I felt rejected on a more subconcious level.

But what has really made me doubt my parents' support for me is the way my mum is acting now. I feel very let down by her. Like when I was going really bad - crying all day long, hardly leaving my house, feeling hopeless, and I was begging my parents to come visit me - my mum decided she would rather go on holiday to Curacao. (I know it was my mum who wanted to go so I am mostly mad at her, but my dad went along with it. He tells me he didn't want to go, but he still did.) And now we're talking about the next holiday and she is insisting on going to the only hotel she knows I don't want to go to. Now I know it is their holiday, not mine, and I'm really too old to be going on holiday with my parents, and I understand she wants to chose her own destination. But I'm still feeling very bad and I'm longing to get away from here for a little while. Have some fun, forget about my problems for a week. Since I don't have anyone else to go with and I'm not in any state to go by myself (I did that last year but I've gotten worse since then) going with my parents is kind of my only oppertunity. And the thing is, she said she doesn't even want to do a lot of sight seeing there so I have no idea why she is insisting on this particular place when there are plenty of other options.

Sorry, went a bit off track there. My point was, if she's acting this selfish now, maybe there are things from my childhood that I can't remember anymore but did affect me.

Thank you for your reply. It has lots of sense. I guess it's not only a question on how reality is but how the child percives it. Some little kids are more sensitive than others.
Sorry to tell you that but I think your mum's behaviour is a bit selfish. It doesn't mean she is a bad person but I understand you.

After reading the book, I see myself more dependent than avoidant, bc when I have someone as a support I can do whatever. What I read in the book makes sense bc my problem was always mainly with my oposite sex progenitor in spide of my mum wanted a boy as her first child, she always was very maternal.
The cold relation was with my father.

Perhaps the fear of rejection makes us avoid confrontations and at the same time it also makes us dependant; like in my case, with someone helping me, the fear of embarassment decreases & i can act a little better.

I think AVPD has both multiple causes and multiple consequences.

I don't know. I guess there isn't a case the same as the other. Each individual is unique and displays a different degree of the different traits.