People you're drawn to

BreakForTheLight · Aug 12, 2015 at 02:50 PM

Does anyone recognize this problem?

Because I am so shy, I tend to stay away from the most confident people because I feel intimidated by them or inferior to them. I tend to be drawn to other shy people and loners. I feel like Iike I relate to them, that they are like me.

But usually after a while I figure out they are not like me at all. At best, they really are as boring as they seem. I don't feel comfortable in groups and it takes a long time to get to know me but in one on one contact I talk a lot more. (Maybe even too much sometimes) but several people I've met and saw as potential friends never seemed to losen up and talk a bit more. (I hope that doesn't sound mean!)

At worst, I find out they are loners by choice, they are not interested in making friends with anyone. But of course I will always feel personally rejected and wonder why I'm not good enough. Especially when I've put a lot of energy into this person, gotten out of my comfort zone in trying to connect with them.

It's making me feel like I don't fit in anywhere.

BrokenButterfly32 · Aug 13, 2015 at 04:25 PM

I am just discovering that I might have AvPD so I haven't really analyzed that aspect of myself yet. But if I had to think about it, I think I'm drawn to the exact opposite. I'm fascinated by confident people. I envy them. They embody things I wish that I was. I never really speak to anybody though unless they speak to me first especially people who are loud and boisterous. I sit there hoping this person will speak to me and reach out to me and then they will see that I am not a quiet shy girl with nothing to say, I'm just too afraid to say it. And when I do get attention from those types, all I can think is "don't blow it! Don't say something stupid" which I inevitably do. And I keep waiting and waiting for them to hate me and reject me. And when they talk to me once but not again, I'm convinced I did something wrong.

Quiet and reserved people kind of scare me. I might be more likely to approach and say "hi" to a quieter person but I can't carry on conversation. It gets awkward.

normalcy_inverted · Aug 13, 2015 at 09:31 PM

in school i was more like brokenbutterly and drawn towards outgoing ppl. well, my best friend who was like a brother to me was an extrovert and i was kind of like his side kick i guess, in social situations anyways. that's not a very flattering way to put it but true.

I have a friend who is a complete introvert and the two of us alone together is always an extremely boring time. I loosen up more around outgoing ppl.

I was also thinking recently i'm also drawn towards misfits, outcasts, or generally weird ppl. I'm not sure if it's because i am one of them or if it's that don't feel inferior or insecure around them but i get a long easier with a group of homeless kids than kids like me-white middle class college educated etc.

bill1231 · Aug 14, 2015 at 06:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BreakForTheLight

Does anyone recognize this problem?

Because I am so shy, I tend to stay away from the most confident people because I feel intimidated by them or inferior to them. I tend to be drawn to other shy people and loners. I feel like Iike I relate to them, that they are like me.

But usually after a while I figure out they are not like me at all. At best, they really are as boring as they seem. I don't feel comfortable in groups and it takes a long time to get to know me but in one on one contact I talk a lot more. (Maybe even too much sometimes) but several people I've met and saw as potential friends never seemed to losen up and talk a bit more. (I hope that doesn't sound mean!)

At worst, I find out they are loners by choice, they are not interested in making friends with anyone. But of course I will always feel personally rejected and wonder why I'm not good enough. Especially when I've put a lot of energy into this person, gotten out of my comfort zone in trying to connect with them.

It's making me feel like I don't fit in anywhere.

I tend to avoid strong people and am drawn to those who have issues

BreakForTheLight · Aug 14, 2015 at 02:44 PM

I do envy confident, outgoing people as well. And as long as they're not the arrogant type I can admire them as well. But I couldn't be friends with them. I would always be worried that they'd find out how boring I am an dump me.

I remember this one person in particular. He was actually my boss and he was a super outgoing, talkative person. Totally gorgeous, too! I loved watching him and listening to him in meetings, how excited he got about things and happy to share it with his team. He was a great guy I admired!

But I had absolutely no wish to be closer to him, even though I might have had a tiny bit of a crush. He just wasn't really my type (and of course completely out of my league anyway).

AzulOscuro · Aug 15, 2015 at 06:19 AM

Oh, Break. This is a so tough topic.
I also really admire people who are confident. I'm not necesarily feel more comfortable with shy persons. Perhaps, bc I'm not a shy either.
I tend to feel comfortable with similar people than me and only if I see they accept me in some way. So, I can count them with the fingers on one hand. Thus, from time to time, I look for ways or clues to assurance myself if they really accept me or are comfortable with me. That stops me to be completely myself, even with them.

I see that when I have confidence in myself I can interact with people easily but then, I'm afraid of disappointing them and tend to withdraw unless I see some kind of assurance.
I guess it's a question of boosting self-esteem and never giving up the try to express as you are and going on with interactions. The most you avoid the most avoidant you become.

I think it's also very important to have an idea in your mind, people are all imperfect. Noone is better than you, only different and the same.

A Red Panda · Aug 15, 2015 at 08:45 AM

I'm often drawn to shy people. Even though I know I don't ACT like AvPD, I definitely have the thoughts/emotions.

I'm also drawn to people who have anxiety/depression - I seem to just pick up on subtle cues, so I reach out to them.

I enjoy confident people, but they are often the people who I get nervous around. I shut down and show my younger shyness more often. I just sort of let them take over everything, whereas with my shy/anxious friends I'll often take the lead to alleviate their own stress.

I also, unintionally, end up drawn to people who take advantage of others, and people who are manipulative. I'm getting a lot better at identifying this quickly so that I can withdraw from it, but it still catches me!

maruf · Aug 15, 2015 at 12:05 PM

I'm drawn to ppl who, I think, would not judge/observe me much, so there is less chance that I will be embarassed.

Aug 20, 2015 at 07:55 AM

I'm not really drawn to anyone anymore. I think I used to be drawn to outgoing/abusive types, but now I have learned it's better to just stay away from most everyone. Relationships are just too painful for me.

matt07 · Aug 23, 2015 at 08:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by normalcy_inverted

... i'm also drawn towards misfits, outcasts, or generally weird ppl. I'm not sure if it's because i am one of them or if it's that don't feel inferior or insecure around them but i get a long easier with a group of homeless kids than kids like me-white middle class college educated etc.

Aug 23, 2015 at 11:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by normalcy_inverted

I was also thinking recently i'm also drawn towards misfits, outcasts, or generally weird ppl. I'm not sure if it's because i am one of them or if it's that don't feel inferior or insecure around them but i get a long easier with a group of homeless kids than kids like me-white middle class college educated etc.

I like people like this. Different, strange.... I love them.

normalcy_inverted · Aug 26, 2015 at 07:50 PM

I love you too, greenmoss

JadeAmethyst · Sep 04, 2015 at 05:31 PM

Goliad · Sep 18, 2015 at 03:06 PM

weird people, geeky people, especially the ones who own it. I've never been good at not caring what people think and I'm envious of those who are okay with who they are. People who are truthful and open and have less of a facade meant to impress or hide or live up to social standards of "coolness". I am the exact opposite, I try so hard that I have the personality of a scared mouse, most of the time.

I also gravitate towards shy people but It's hard to make things happen especially if they don't offer much because I don't know how far to take things or if they're even truly interested, and I hate bothering people.

Sep 22, 2015 at 03:18 AM

I do feel more drawn to people that are shy and introverted in hopes that they are able to understand me. Loners make me think that I would be more important to them and not just a third wheel of a friend.

They don't all have to be boring, desinterested or different from yourself! Call me naive but I do believe there exist people that you can connect with on a deeper level. It's just really hard to find and AvPD won't help with that.

I get your one on one situation and often critically overanalyze myself if I'm saying anything wrong to the point of mental breakdowns. If you truly trust someone it helps to give them the benefit of the doubt that they're busy if they aren't replying etc.

If you realize you put in more energy than you get back, you need to adjust your own expectations to reality and tone back. It has nothing to do with showing your avoidance or not being good enough. 'Normal' people also experience this but they chose a more healthy way of dealing with it.

Althuzia · Sep 22, 2015 at 07:06 AM

i would say that i get attracted to extroverted people ( confident or not). especially in groups it's nice that he/she will do most of the talking. As long as they don't mention me being more quiet then most others there. They might like it but in my head I immediatly think they think i'm weird.

Also in 1 to 1 conversions I prefer an extrovert, they can lead the conversation and i can follow up. talking to someone like me gets me way out of my confortzone since they quiet aswell, which gives them more time to form a (negative) opinion of me, when i'm trying to awkwardly keep the conversation going.

I know it's a bad trait for me to count on others to start/keep the conversation (going)

pindakaas · Sep 23, 2015 at 11:07 AM

I guess I admire people with confidence, who are rich and outgoing, and if I feel their appreciation/understanding (which is far easier with guys for me as a female), then I can put on a pretty confident facade and interact very well. This is a very fragile facade, a small critique or letdown is a major falling back from these situations (despite the joy I can gain from these). It's also very common for me, that girls ruin the whole interaction, like I can feel their judgy eyes on my skin and I just shut up, crawl up in a corner...

On a long-term basis I enjoy the company of introverts, "broken", deep and smart people, who can lighten up in good company and be the best buddies, together we can overcome our social fears (it sounds cheesy but I think that's what happens with similar minded people). The drawback of this, that they tend to depend on me less then I depend on them...once I find people like this I want to spend as much time with them as possible....they just don't and I get sad and disappointed and don't try anymore....

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maruf Member Member Since Jan 2014 Location: A prison called Earth Posts: 75 10 76 hugs given	Aug 15, 2015 at 12:05 PM #8 I'm drawn to ppl who, I think, would not judge/observe me much, so there is less chance that I will be embarassed. __________________ The Highly Sensitive, Introvert Person.
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Anonymous37890 Guest Posts: n/a	Aug 20, 2015 at 07:55 AM #9 I'm not really drawn to anyone anymore. I think I used to be drawn to outgoing/abusive types, but now I have learned it's better to just stay away from most everyone. Relationships are just too painful for me.
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normalcy_inverted Poohbah Member Since Feb 2015 Location: head museum Posts: 1,010 9	Aug 26, 2015 at 07:50 PM #12 I love you too, greenmoss
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JadeAmethyst Magnate Member Since Jul 2012 Location: gone Posts: 2,224 12 1,739 hugs given	Sep 04, 2015 at 05:31 PM #13 __________________
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