I hate my mind

I have no words to describe how much I hate the way my mind is always telling me how I am responsible for everything that doesn't work properly. It's all my fault. Even when I may rationaly think that there are things that scape from my control or they don't have to do with me, in my deep inner, I always have the thought that the bad things happen to me bc of my inadecuacy, my defect, my handicap. For being me.
This always ends up in me feeling low and wanting to scape. That is. I simply don't work.
I can't see anything good in these moments, all is cloudy by the negative thoughts.
I have zero capacity for fustration. It's like if I was always working with a low level of energy and any tiny thing could throw me off balance.

Yeah, I can seem sometimes an optimistic person but it's a false impression. It's only the product that perceiving the few light rays I can see with extremely happiness. Only that I can be grateful for but it's only a false impression. Only until the next thrust. The rest of the time, I'm only pretending that I'm in control of my life, that I'm confident but it's not real and it's not easy for me to pretend anything so I tend to appart myself as fast as possible.

There are people who need me strong and I'm failing them.
Thanks god, my partner and me thought better the thing about the adoption of a child. I neither can manage my own life, how I could be able to support a child. I know I can be normal for some moments but a kid need stability.
It's not a fustration for me though. People don't have to be a parent. I put up with fix my own mind and help people around me rather than hurt them with my insecurities and my incapacity to give them a normal life.

I send warm thoughts your way, AzulOscuro, with the wish that you may find deep peace within...

I'm sorry that you are struggling with this. Have you ever tried countering negative thoughts with facts? And replacing negative thoughts with more positive ones? It seems stupid at first but eventually it starts to work. It's like brainwashing yourself.

Yeah, I try to do it all the time but the bad thought is so automatic that I can't avoid the feelings it provokes. It takes me a time to go over it.

I think it has to be with my perfectionist traits. Any bad thing or error I make or even the ones I don't make, makes me feel like a failure. I'm so scared of failure. Even when I test this thought, deep inside me, I don't dismiss its veracity completely.

I don't know how to defeat perfectionism. I am a perfectionist too. I have felt like a failure my whole life. I do sympathize but I'm not sure I can offer any more sound advice other than try to think of the things you have accomplished, not failed.

I'm about to see another psychiatrist. This time I chose a person who also can do therapy with me appart from diagnosing me and prescribe meds.
It doesn't mind how many times you fall down, the relevant is keep trying.

I still don't know how to overcome my perfectionism. I think the root of this issue is my insecurities. I'm like you, rarely feel as an useful person.
I'm gratefull that I am not so perfectionist with others as I used to be.

Does your perfectionism also affect other people?

That's great that you're seeing someone new that might help you more. I hope it goes well for you.

I'm not sure if my perfectionism affects others or not. Usually, my perfectionism plays out as feeling like a failure at everything. I'm afraid to try things because I'm afraid of failing. So I suppose it does affect others, like my family, since I'm still living at home and afraid to try out living on my own and taking care of myself...because I'm afraid I will fail at it and have to move back home.

I hear you. I'm also pretty dependent. I'm giving steps forward to win confidence and go out of my comfort zone.
I don't know very well how to explain this...I feel as if I couldn't have or wasn't able to believe that I can make the role of an adult. It's as if anyone could do the things better than me.

There is a book I read called the Seven habits by Covey. I talked about it in the Dependent PD forum.

It's about how to become more independent and take the control of your own life.

https://www.depts.ttu.edu/upwardboun...ive-people.pdf

That's a great book indeed and has helped many, myself included. I suffer from a great fear of rejection. It doesn't have the hold on me like it used to, but it's still around. I've spent a number of years dealing with emotional struggles of mine and others I care for. If it's any use, I made the most progress after I realized, with the help of others, what I consider to be the absolute primary source of my challenge:

I am addicted to the way I feel.

By that I mean I am addicted to my personality. I could be feeling happy, sad, angry, depressed, "normal" (whatever that means), etc. It doesn't matter. I'm addicted to it. Give me more of it. As much as I can get.

Once I realized how true that was, and that I couldn't change being addicted to my personality, I dedicated myself to changing what I was addicted to. Not perfect, but over time, it worked. And the good news is, being reluctant to be around a lot of new people, I did most of it on my own.

Anyway, I can see in your post that you have some feelings that you certainly don't care for. But I also see there's a lot to like in your posts, especially the part about going out of your comfort zone. Good for you. Hope this helps.

Addicted to feelings? Do you mean that you are very sensitive?

I neither understood what you mention about not caring about some feelings? Do you mean that I have clear that my mind is responsible to play bad games with me but that I'm awared? It's not your fault. I sometimes find difficult to understand what people say.

It's not easy to go out of your comfort zone but I have many help around me. If I still haven't progress more is because I haven't done more effort.
Other people are not so lucky.

Perhaps, you would also like reading the following books:

It's about Dalai Lama's thoughts but you don't have to be a buddhist to find it helpful.

http://www.buddhanet.net/pdf_file/mindocean.pdf

Toxic people is the other book. It's by Bernardo Stamateas. An Argentinian author.
I could find the pdf in Spanish but not in English. His thinking is pretty interesting.
Its reading helped me a lot to keep certain people at distance and don't let their cr@p affects me.