on self-medication

I call myself an Avoidant. My Avoidance is what defines me. There is a very good chance that I also suffer from Schizophrenia. But my Avoidance defines me because if anyone asked me what I suffer from I would say: Pathological shyness. Fear of rejection. Fear of criticism. A stong desire for human contact but I fear to pursue it and a tendency to self-sabotage it.

So it is as an Avoidant that I want to speak.
I want to mention my use of drugs and alcohol.
I am not taking a stand either for them or against them.
All I want to say is that as an Avoidant there is a "hill" or an "arc".
On the left hand side there is nothingness.
I am too afraid to even speak.
On the right hand side there is chaos.
I have no internal censor and I say too much.

But I would also like to mention that there is a brief window.
On the top of that "hill".
On the top of that "arc".
Where I am truly myself.
The times I've spent on the top of that hill and the people I've had the good fortune to meet there are the things I will always cherish the most.
But it is such a brief window.

Alcohol definitely opens me up a lot more than normal.... and if it isn't too much, it feels like how I am on the rare times that I'm actually comfortable with someone. I enjoy being able to have that. At the same time, it doesn't take much before I am at the stage where the next day I'll be going "OMG WHY DID I SAY/DO THAT!" Very, very, slim margin.

As to drugs.... no dice for me. Not risking that!

Have you gotten up the courage to see a psychiatrist yet? I can't imagine the struggle of feeling like you're stuck with Schizophrenia (you do mean schizophrenia and not schizoid PD?) along with AvPD. I've got laden with bipolar 2, and a crap ton of AvPD tendencies (not diagnosed with AvPD as well.... I refuse to talk to the pdoc even though my counsellor keeps trying to get me too.....) But, I do take medication for the bipolar as it isn't a PD - PDs are often very hard to treat with medication, but bipolar is a mood disorder. The same is true for Schizophrenia - there is medication that can help you -so drugs that are beneficial.

i've used some drugs over the years, never really as "self-medication"

Alcohol opens me up a little bit, i am still not talkative, but atleast (i think) i can dance. the problem with alcohol is, that when I am drinking I get pretty wasted.

I smoke weed almost everyday, about 4 spliffs ( 1 gram), I have noticed that since I started smoking weed I've become a bit more assertive, care a bit less what others think. but that might just be moving from adolescent to adult. Although when outside and around alot of people I used to get that paranoid feeling of "everybody knows im stoned" "everybody is looking at me and judging me".

I've taken a few xtc/mdma pills, has been near 2 years i have done that though. The first time I tried it I just went into my own world. the few times after I was not that anxious, but at the same time I didn't talk more than when I was sober. it was more about that Warmth/energetic feel inside you.

I've had two seperate therapists tell me that maybe I should try having a drink to losen up..... But I don't like the way alcohol makes me feel.

oh yeah :/
this is how i feel :/
i wanna break that damn window and crawl through it so i can live on the other side :/
it really sucks... but when you find something that works - even though its not good and doesnt work that well - works just a little; hold on for dear life...

i have been doing this since i was atleast 13 years old :/ but whatever - apparently this is a personality defect and there is not much i can do about it besides try to cope... to find brief moments of relief in-between all of the anguish :/ its just things look so nice when you're ontop of that hill able to watch through the window of how others see life :/
but these habbits just give me another reason to hide myself from the world... complete and utter avoidance - sometimes i wonder if i actually have split my personality ... but i know that its not a divided personality in such that the disorder would describe... just a line that i have that separates all of the do's and donts... and the dos are things that i've learned to do that arent actually what i want to do - but do to try to fit in and avoid the avoidance... well, avoid a bigger comflict i guess... so it doesnt seem like anyone can really understand how it feels to be me; what i feel like or go through :/ and i dont want anyone to know either - but sometimes i think maybe if i did have one person that knew me - the real me - then maybe i could try to transgress, but through all of these years i'm trying to learn and realize that the likely hood of this happening is practically null :/
just need to realize this is who i am...
ride on...