is my ex girlfriend avoidant or has BPD traits?

Hi clever people,

could you please hep me with understanding what just happened? Could you help me to see if my ex girlfriend had avoidant attachment style, or fear of engulfment or some borderline traits? I know there are always 2 parts that make mistakes in a relationship, but it would help me enormously to the core reason behind she broke up with me. I would like to learn from my mistakes.

1. MEETING HER.

To start with, I'm 32, she's 29. And I found her to be the biggest love of my life so far.
My personality is more kind of like a nice day, trusting everyone, and giving everything when I love the girl, but I also broke up with few girls, when I didn't feel much. I love to travel, I like to be independent, so things about family and such are not calling me much yet, even though I'm not too much against it in the future.

I met her shortly 2 years ago while travelling around Asia. She lived in another European country, but not too far. No contact then. After 2 years I all of a sudden started to think of her. I contacted here by email. Boom. After few conversations exchanged, we got attracted immediately. I never ever shared so much of views and desires of anyone before like this. No one ever came so close to it.We couldn't believe how we fit each other perfectly. I can say that I never had such a deep connection as I did with her. We were just laughing at it and asking ourselves how is that possible, we must have met in a previous life. She left to Asia to do yoga, and I was supposed to go there to meet her later.
We shared our views about love as the highest truth. When we talked about love, she said she haven't found anyone who would share her idea of love. And she is so much longing for love, love in the way she sees it. And wrote, that in her life it is very difficult to trust love, that she was suffering and cried way too much in her love life, and that she often gets confused and anxious.
She mentioned she has troubles with letting go. I wrote her that I will not let her go.
In Asia, she said she had to stay somewhere close to the internet, just to check everyday and be happy when she received an email from me, and then reading it over and over multiple times.

After 1 and a half month what could be the deepest email conversations I have ever had, I traveled to meet her in Asia. It was fantastic. On the first day, she suddenly broke up into crying, saying: Please don't hurt me, I'm afraid that you will leave me and I'll be hurt.
I told her I will not leave her. And I felt it. I love her incredibly much, and I never ever felt I loved someone like that. I was dreaming about someone like her, but no one ever got even close to it. Day by day, getting to know her better, I felt this is the woman I want to spend my life with.

2. LOVE BLOOMING

Our time together was very happy, full of love... but in about 5% of time, there were also some strange situations.

On the second day, she's saying...
- "I felt more connection with you when we wrote emails. "
And I though she was mentioning spiritual connection. While she was deeply spiritual, I wasn't that much yet, but I wanted to grow in that.
And often she would say, about our relationship, that she doesn't trust it.
Sexually she was fantastic, hyperactive and very open, always willing. Emotionally she was very open too, talked about her emotions always.
Day later, she would say:
- Oh, I have always been such a traveler as you and wanting to be independent, but something changed inside me and now I would like to have family and kids and house and garden. Oh but you are different and you want to travel and be independent, and our future doesn't look good because of that.
I would always just smile and say how I felt it, that I love her, and let's see what happens, I'm open to find a solution with her.
Our first 5 days looked funny. In the morning, when we walked on the street, she would back off and walk like 5 meters behind me. I left her her space. In the afternoon she would jump on me with hugs saying I love you and picking up names for our future children.
After 5 days she told me she noticed herself she was doing this to me, and that she doesn't know where it comes from. She said that no matter what I said, she always felt like she had to say the opposite.
I could feel she was probably very hurt in her love life before, and I'll I wanted to do was to give her love and protect her.
Days later, she'd say to me:
-you're too much of a jumping joy happiness. Outward happiness. I am more calm and appreciate silent happiness inside the body. It is hard for me to connect with you on a spiritual level. I feel your energy is too overwhelming and I can't relax with you.
I just smiled and said something that she is probably an introvert, and I'm more of an extrovert. Minutes later she would smile and say Wow, it's actually good that you are like this. I like you so much like this. And jumped on me with hugs and kisses. I was shocked by a sudden change in mood.
But mood was not the only thing that was changing quickly. She normally talked to me and to the others with an incredibly sweet voice. When she criticized me, her voice would immediately changed to very cold one, I mean whole accent and pitch, and pronunciation of words, it was like a different person.

From time to time she was comparing me with her previous boyfriend of 2 years, which was obviously more spiritual and silent mind than me.
There were some of my qualities, she could always find it wasn't matching with her ideas or what she thought was important. But that she wouldn't like that I change, that I should just stay as I was. We were never fighting. And then she would always fall into my arms saying she loves me much.
From my perspective, I could see that she was very stubborn. She would happily say she will start to learn the language of my country, that she will be so happy to show me around South France where she lived before, that we could travel to South America.... but when I, minutes later mentioned the same idea which she suggested, or suggested my idea about future, she would just kind of shake it off or act very unsure about it, didn't want to talk much about it. To the point that it was even funny. She liked to talk about herself much, she definitely liked herself. Not body-wise, but she liked her own behavior. However, I understood, that everyone of us has some negative traits, and in her case the positive ones were so huge, that I would happily accept it all as a part of the package. I loved her to bits, including her flaws. She was a fantastic person indeed.

95 percent, our time was just truly amazing. After first 2 weeks she dropped most of this moody behavior and from then it was just love.
She changed in her craving about kids and family, and told me Thank you for showing me I actually don't want it right now, I was probably like that just because of pressure from my friends. We clicked in in almost everything - or I thought so.
And she would just keep repeating how happy she was, and that no one ever cared so much for her as I did. And that she was so grateful for me.

Once when I left her at our guesthouse and said I'll be back in 30 minutes, but arrived back more than an hour later, she told me that she experienced panic attack, being afraid that I will not come back, and that she had to play some of our recordings, to hear my voice and to read some of my texts, just to feel that I'm with her..
She was making huge plans about when we come back to Europe. Even though we live in 2 different countries, it was not far, only 2 hours away and we will be often together.

We spent 1 month together Asia. I had to leave back home. She had to leave Asia 2 weeks after me. At that time, we had the best time ever. And I was calm on leaving, because I knew we're gonna see each other within 1 month in Europe. When I left, she was writing me emails on how she's devastated, that she's missing me so much, and crying, and picturing scenes about how me meet again in Europe. I thought it was a bit overreacting.

3. DISTANCING

2 weeks later she landed in Europe. Still covering me with messages like I love you so much, and that she wants to come live to my country. But also that she felt destroyed inside, in her soul. That she needs spiritual guidance from her guru, and that was very important. She mentioned: I feel lost. I'm scared of relationships, because I always feel I'm losing myself. But for the next 2 weeks, until she left to see her guru, she was still covering me with I love you messages and want to be with you and so on.
Then she left to visit her guru in Germany. Things changed.

I sent her a facebook message asking if she arrived OK a day later. She read it. No reply. Next day I sent an email asking the same. No reply. I didn't understand it. She used to always reply smoothly. I sent her a skype message next day. Nothing. I got really worried. I sent her a text. She replied she's really good and happy. This is what sent me to really strange thoughts. Sending the same question again and again was stupid from me, and I was acting from my own insecurity and fear that something could happen to her. Who says she needs to answer immediately.
I was much in love. I sent her an email that I want to live my life with her, and could easily move to her country. Before she mentioned to me that she was tired of her previous long distance relationship, and I wanted to ensure her that I quickly want to convert our now long distance relationship into a "close-distance one". And that I feel that she probably wants space now, so I will not contact her until she's ready.
Since then her way of having conversation has become really strange. She sounded very sad. And colder, with occasional I love you much.. She was saying that she was confused, didn't know what to do and where to go. When I asked her is she's afraid of relationships, she said...when I feel the wind calling, I have to go.
When I shortly mentioned she could for example come to me, she'd say:
- Sounds fantastic but give me time, I don't like to feel pressure. I'm not a good girlfriend. Sorry.
I thought it was again something what I experienced with her in the beginning in Asia. And that I just give her time and it will go over again.
For the next 2 weeks, our conversations was more and more far apart. She would say she just feels like she needs to be alone, in silence, in solitude, has a need for creativity.
When I asked her if she wants me to not to contact her for a while, to give her more space, she said:
- I think about you often, and have nostalgic moments, but I just can't come to you. What is that? What is holding me back? And it will probably occur many other times as well. I'm sorry. I'm not a good girlfriend. It's just not calling me.
She said she doesn't feel good, that feels darkness around her, that she is very restless, doesn't know what to do with herself, that feels her spirit is dying, that she will run until she drops....
She put up photos of her on facebook, travelling around Swiss mountains, with facebook comments that she feels very happy, but later she would tell me that she couldn't even feel mountains much because she felt so restless.

This got me really scared. I thought that she was going through depression. So I read many articles online, which all suggested to just to be with her and make her feel my support. That's what I was trying to do. Being overly supportive, saying she's amazing, I'm so proud of her, that I'm always here to listen to her magic heart. And I really meant it. And I was going to do anything to help her. I would never leave her.
When talking about us, she mentioned:
- I don't like attachment. I'm scared of it.

4. BREAK UP

In our last facebook conversation she said again she needs silence and solitude. When I asked, in a calm way, if she wants me to shut up and leave her alone for a while, she said "No, it would not be good for me". She was so grateful that I listened. And said: "come fly with me."

I packed my backpack. And wanted to go to meet her. But I didn't know where she was - she was travelling around. Needed to find out, softly. Next day sent her some supportive message. She read it. No reply. Day later sent her message: Are you here? She read it, no reply. I was just so excited to go to meet her... couldn't wait...so I messaged her again next day, just asking if we could talk? Message read. No reply.

A week later, I sent her a short supportive email, wishing her nice time and nice retreat in the silence. No reply.
Now, 2 weeks after I last heard from her, her "fly with me", I got really worried. I thought she might be lying depressed somewhere, suffering. I had no direct contact to her family, but I tried to add her sister on Facebook, to be able to ask her if she knew anything about her. And wanted to drop a short message to my girlfriend on facebook, saying that I got worried about her well being, and I will try to contact her family. But when I pushed the Send button on the facebook message...I got an error message that the person doesn't receive any messages from me... and I couldn't see much of her profile either, no photos and stuff. I thought she cancelled on everything. I texted her on her phone - message undelivered. Dropped her an email... Her reply came minutes later:

- Thank you for all your messages. I'm doing very good alone. Don't worry about me. I want to be on my own, again. I feel happy this way. Wishing you well.

Later that day I found that what actually happened was that she actually blocked me on facebook, like blocked receiving messages from me, and also put me in the Restricted group so I couldn't see much in her profile, like photos and so. And seems like she blocked me on her phone as well. And this must had happened few days after I messaged her last time (to find out where she was), like 2 weeks before her current, goodbye email...
I was shocked. What does that mean?
I dropped her email asking her, please, tell me the truth, what is your motivation for blocking me?
She replied 2 days later:
- "I met an amazing person while travelling, and I'm not with him, but I feel very connected to him. i blocked you just like I blocked many other people, and I did it also before, because I felt overwhelmed by too many messages. Why? It feels just right not to receive many messages. I am searching for myself, and for some reason you hold me strongly back. I feel constant expectations and attachment from you.
Wishing you a wonderful life full of love. You have to let me go."
I asked her some short question, she just ignored it. It's been a month, not heard anything from her.

I have never been so destroyed and shattered. Completely. Some girls dumped me before, and it sucked, but we would still talk in a normal way, and even communicate afterwards for a while. Break ups do not feel good, especially if the girl you love leaves you for another man. But here the girl who is very spiritual and who I shared the deepest truth with, who would dislike all pretentious and egoistic behavior in other people, first blocked me for the reasons which seem too selfish to be true and she didn't even let me know.... She told me about it 2 weeks later when I got worried about her well being and found it out myself... But of course, if she already was with a new guy, maybe she didn't want me to see some of their photos or so.

Our romance took about 3 months of happy times, then a month of that crap.
I know that before me, she was dating a guy for over a month. She told me the guy was ignoring her, that took him over 10 days to reply to a simple message, which made her feel sad (funny, she just did the same to me twice), and he not even think of her to wish her Merry Christmas or Happy new year... When I contacted her, she was still dating him, but given he didn't care much about her, she quit it with him, and embraced me.

3 months before she met that guy, her 2 years long relationship ended. That guy meant a lot to her. She moved to him, to his country, but after some time went to live to another country alone, and even though it wasn't that far, he would only come to visit her once per 3 months. Girls normally don't say too many positive things about her exes, but it sounded like they din't care too much about her.

Her emotions were shifting very quickly. She could quickly fall in love. I'm the same though
She seemed to be afraid that people will leave her, but at the same time she feared attachment and that someone will engulf her.
She suffers often with panic attacks.
She is not trying to hurt herself in any way, not have any self destructive behavior. Even though she could spend days alone in a tent in the nature which she loves, was trying to be careful.
She strongly believes in things, which might seem out of reality for many people, but it doesn't mean she's wrong. She would always find herself searching for truth in life, being endlessly in search. But I don't see anything bad about it.
She was not taking any drugs, no alcohol, in fact she hated all those things. She would always rather do yoga and meditate to feel good.
She is very very sensitive. For example to noise. 20 seconds of cars passing by with blowing horns (just like they often do in Asia), would make her body shake for another 10 minutes.
She is no perfectionist, was never controlling me.
Her goals are always set high. It's reaching to the stars.
She would always share her inner life, inner feelings with me. She would easily share her vulnerabilities.
She loves to be alone, especially in the nature. And I love it too. I love being with people and giving them all my love, but walking in the mountains alone, or in the forest, or on the shore, makes my heart feel magic of every moment and is just a perfect retreat for everything. So I understood her.
She is no workaholic. She prefers to work as little as possible and enjoy real life.
She was not avoiding intimacy. She loved intimacy.

She had a clear dislike for attachment. But this has to be understood also in connection with the spiritual books she was reading, like some yoga stuff and Eckhart Tolles book Power of now, where attachment is regarded as something unhealthy and something to avoid. She didn't like when she felt it in me, but she was attached to me when we were in Asia, even more than me. It was her visit at her spiritual guru when she changed...

Could it be that the whole distancing thing started when I opened very much to her and said I want to live with her?

Can someone please tell me if she could be avoidant attachment style or maybe have some Borderline traits. Or was it just that the girl lost attraction for me when I wasn't with her, and then it's very normal that girls get restless and after some time just fall out of love? For me it means a lot if you could give me more insight.
I understand, that most of the people are not really strange or weird, but many are behaving compulsive based on their strong past experiences, so they shouldn't be doomed.
I would really like to know, if the woman I trusted acted like this from some strong impulses from her subconscious (fear), or was it just her pure selfishness and ignorance because it was more comfortable that way? Or was it just because she stumbled upon a new guy, and completely lost the feelings because of that?
I always try to look back and learn from my mistakes. And I would like to know if I could have done something so she wouldn't leave. I felt she was so hurt from her previous life, and I wanted to treat her different, that all I wanted to do was to spoil her with pure endless love, so she doesn't have to be afraid. Was that maybe a mistake?
My point is that many girls who lose attraction for their boyfriends will start to distance themselves, and stop answering messages, and give cold shoulder, regardless of if they are avoidant attachment style or BPD or are just like most of the people. But in case of my ex it seemed more pronounced, with other signs as well in the beginning. What do you think was the driving force behind this breakup?

One of the many things that I shared with her was meaning for love in our lives. For both of us, it is the highest truth. I know many guys would say that it was good she left, that she wouldn't give me good feelings in our relationship in a long run... but for me it's not very important how good feelings she's giving to me. I believe love asks for no reward. I am not looking for feeding my ego from the the relationship. It's about giving, not needing to receive. I dont believe you can truly love one person and that hate her the next day. Even though she hurt me much, I feel no hate, but mostly love.

Thank you very much for reading this and for your response.

Seas

Avoidant attachment style and Avoidant Personality Disorder are two different things. I'm not that familiar with attachment styles, but AvPD and traits I am. She doesn't sound very avoidant (meaning the PD) to me.

Unfortunately, what you're describing, when people have great online chemistry but it doesn't translate as well to real life, that's fairly common. And she ghosted you in a pretty harsh way, but that's also a new common thing. It sucks to no end, and I've been there, and I can relate. It's so hard to worry and care for someone and it turns out they've slowly cooled toward you and can't even be bothered with telling you. Ghosting is cowardly and selfish, and it makes you question everything you know.

I know you're searching for answers, for an explanation, but you'll probably never get one. I wish I could tell you something that would make it better. I suggest you post in the relationships forum, or the coping with emotions forum. Lots more people post there, and they could help you with your grief. The only thing I can really say is, you will get over this, and you will feel that connection with someone else again, and hopefully next time they will feel it as deeply as you do.

Agree with sumowira.... Far too long of a story to read but only in the 2nd paragraph you can tell she's definitely not avoidant.

Just because a relationship doesn't work out, doesn't mean the other person has to have a personality disorder. Overanalyzing will get you nowhere.

You talked with such love and respect for this girl. I can see how much you care of her. It's very good. This is love but for your own well-being...you also need to have a little bit of selfiness. I understand you need to look for an explanation. It's a real shock to see how a person changes so much from one day to another. But, it happens more often than it's to wish.
I wouldn't even put this person a label of a PD. There are normal people who are like that.

Agree that the relationship forum is the best to talk about this. I can't tell you a lot. I'm sure I will be wrong or at least, partially wrong. Only that look for the answer on your own.
If you look at back, I'm sure you will find red flags. Can you see them? It's a question for you.
I know you need to find an explanation to mourn.

Thank you for your replies.

@sumowira Thank you for introducing me into ghosting. I have never experienced or heard about anything like this before. Yes, she was showing some "I mostly care about my self" traits.

@AzulOscuro: red flags? You know, before I met her, she told me few times that she was still experiencing wounds from the past, and that she was scared and have a hard time to trust. When I met her, I could feel that she was still a bit hurt inside. I somehow wanted to cover her with pure love, make her feel that this time it is going to be different for her, that she will not suffer, that I could heal her. I know that many people will say that it's a wrong thing to do, that the person has to heal on her own. And I understand the logic behind it. But both me and her, we had the same opinion, that love needs no reward, knows no fear, for love is enough. So I didn't really care if I get something back from her, I just loved. Nothing else. And I know, you can easily call me naive
I saw many red flags in the beginning, like her actions as I described above, but I thought that almost all of them (except for the connection thing), was some kind of defense mechanism based on her being hurt in the past. But I've experienced it before with other women before, that first 2 weeks they were kind of on/off, kind of careful, then they jumped into the relationship fully.
When everything went great later on, I haven't seen any more red flags. The last 2 weeks, I could see then again, when she suddenly become colder, and said that she can't come to me because she's scared of attachment (and hence my question to you), I could feel she might breakup soon. But as she came home from Asia, she was facing a hard situation at home, and not having any job, not knowing what to do and where to go, she was incredibly restless, turning in circles, I thought it was just too much of insecurity going on in her life, which was also affecting what she does with relationships . In our last conversation I suggested to her that I could stop contacting and writing to her, so she could have more space and being more on her own if that's what she wished... her answer was "Noooo, it would not be good for me. I am grateful that you listen. I have not so many people I can talk to right now. Come with me." Then she ghosted me days later.

When I look back, I can definitely see many red flags in the beginning and some in the end, but I regarded it as her having some issues inside her. With all the girls I have known, there were always some negative traits inside every one of them. We all have flaws. I didn't go carefully into the relationship, with looking at red flags to prevent being hurt. I never do it. That would be too much of thinking, that would be a cold calculation. I listened to my heart. That's what I always do.... for good or bad...

Hindsight is 20/20. The idea of looking back for red flags, I think that sets you up for trying to take the blame for her behavior, that you "should have" known it was going to happen like this. That thinking is every kind of wrong, because with the next relationship, you're going to be looking out for this type of normal behavior and think it's going to end the same way, which is probably not true.

People don't trust from day one. If you find someone like that, run in the other direction, because that's unsafe. People slowly learn to trust more and more. That's not a red flag.

People also run hot and cold. If someone backs off a little, they could be busy, they could be scared because the relationship is getting deeper (which is actually a good thing, it's a test to see how you're going to handle their emotions) there are a million reasons why someone might take a temporary dip. It's classic for avoidant people that as soon as they see someone pull back they cut the relationship off - that behavior is due to a mental disorder, don't start thinking like that.

Red flags you said you now see at the beginning of the relationship - take another look at those, because it could be very normal, someone who just isn't quite 100% on board yet. In the beginning, that's normal, you just want to see some movement, that they are dropping their self defensive behaviors and are trusting you more.

I'm getting repetitive. In a nutshell, I think you're trying to blame yourself for not being a future teller, and the red flags you're looking for in order to find a way to control an uncontrollable situation aren't red flags but are actually normal behaviors.

Here is a list of actual red flags.
15 Red Flags Not to Ignore In Any Relationship
I don't think they apply in your relationship. I just think it was bad luck.

What these red flags tell you now? Also a question for you to answer for yourself. It's not necessary you write it down here.
I mean, this is what it counts. The learning you can get from this experience.
I know it sounds cold and that you are feeling bad. Unluckily, bad experiences are the ones that make someone grows up more.
You have the right to find a person who doesn't use her issues as an excuse. I praise your patience and compassion but the other person has to be ready to grow up as well.

Good luck!

Honestly? I have no idea whether she has a personality disorder or not. I don't think anyone here can answer that question for you.

What I do know is, she is immature, dysfunctional, and completely not worth spending a second more of your time on.

I hope for your own sake that you are no longer in contact with this girl, and I hope you'll tell her to go do one if/when she decides to contact you in the future.

I learned a lot about women and my mistakes with women by finding good dating coaches. A good one on Youtube is Corey Wayne. Dating and relationships takes skills that a lot of people don't really have naturally, especially people who have trouble maintaining relationships to begin with. You are over-analyzing her/it wayy too much! That will never work well for you in relationships. You will just spend a lot of time torturing your own mind and not being focused on empowering yourself.

Always the very best advice, end of story: It's over: move on.

Your post is way too long for me to go thru it, but I'll tell you this.. many men make the mistake of thinking once they have established some sort of connection with a woman (thru sex, talking, bonding..etc), that she's always going to feel that way for you.. and that's not reality. Women can get flaky for a variety of reasons, another man in the picture, ex still floating around, something you did, mental illness, hormonal issues...etc. I mean no disrespect to women, this is just how it is.

Every man here who has had some sort of romantic affairs with women knows that frustration of, "What the hell happened? She was totally into me.. and now she's ice cold!", and then you get 'hurt' thinking she is playing some sort of game.

Anyway, once that initial honeymoon period is over at the start of a new relationship, if you aren't still courting her, she might fall out of attraction. You may have displayed weak, submissive behavior that slowly added up in the back of her mind and made her lose attraction. I didn't read your whole post, but I what little I read gave me the impression you smothered her and she lost attraction for you. The 'why' is important. Figure it out, so you don't make those mistakes again.

Guys get complacent once they feel they 'got her', and they fall away from the guy who attracted her to begin with and get lazy and she gets turned off. Or worse, they give themselves so completely to the woman that the challenge and mystery is gone. Constantly kissing a woman's *** for any reason is weak behavior.. I don't care how long you've been married. Many men find themselves at this standstill at this point in their relationships, and so their relationships generally don't last long and they can't ever figure out why. It almost always comes down to neediness, clingyness, insecurity.

Most women want a man.. not a man-boy who is a devoted puppy, and there are a lot of man-boys these days for a variety of reasons. That nice guy ***** has never worked, never will. It's time to forget the good/bad guy paradigm, and just be a guy who is worth as much as any other human being and never let anyone take you out of your center.

My tip to you: Walk away, never look back, never think back to her (and if you do, correct yourself and stay focused), stay focused on your life and your purpose(s). There's a lot to learn here, but many never really learn their lessons because they don't take it seriously enough to work on their relationship skills, and they just make the same mistakes in relationships over and over. Don't be that person. Learn, get better, value the chance you had to work on your skills.

Pro-tip: Walking away and meaning it is the most powerful lesson I ever learned in relationships. No matter what, you always have the option of taking your power back instead of constantly giving it away. But you have to mean it.. that's the part a lot of people have trouble with.

Good luck!