Hopeless

I'm so so so tired of this situation.
I sometimes feel as if I could overcome this constant fear. Try to give positive messages to me and others. This is the most ironic. I sometimes let myself give others advices, when I myself never felt a whole person. The only thing I can say in my defense is that there is a possibility that these people are stronger than me and love themselves a little more.

Today, I told my partner that he doesn't have a good future with me. I feel responsible for not making him see clear what my problems are. It was a different time. I was younger and I was at the beginning of my treatment with psychiatrists and psychologists. I was so hopeful that I could improve. But, now I see clear that my improvement is so slight that it's not fair that he has to cope with this. He deserves a better life and a person who can make him happy. I'm not the one.
He left his country, his family and his friends to be with me. All this with nothing in return. I wasn't even able to give him a kid. He is that kind of person who needs to share with others. And I am each day more convinced that I can't be with other people and have a normal contact.
Last week, he introduced me a couple, husband and wife. They seemed to me pretty nice and I felt comfortable in the brief time we were together.
My partner told me that it was a great idea to share with them a day in the lake. First, it seemed to me a marvellous idea but in short, my fear came to my mind and I asked him for not making the appointment.

It's a constant fear to be unable to be a normal person with others. A fear to disappoint others. A fear to say something inappropiate but at the same time, a fear to not being able to say anything.

I'm sorry for the long post.

Hello.

Please don't take this the wrong way - I'm not sure I've put this across very well. I'm not criticising, rather trying to suggest another way of looking at the situation.

Isn't it up to him whether he wants to be with you? I mean, is it for you to say how he feels, what is best for him and who can make him happy? Should he be the one who should choose who is 'good enough' for him? If you love him and trust his judgement then maybe you should let him make his own life choices. You choose whether you want to be with him, and he chooses whether he wants to be with you.

I didn't get why my late partner loved me - but I just had to accept that he chose me and it was his right to choose who he wanted. It takes all sorts of people to make the world what it is, and I had to get my head around the fact that this man was mad enough to want to be anywhere near me. I didn't understand it, but then again I don't get quantum physics either - just one of those things.

I understand the optimism and then settling back into isolation. I also understand not being able to socialise, or making arrangements and backing out at the last minute because it's too much. I understand about analysing everything you said after any social interaction and the awful feeling when you find all the things you said or did that make you feel stupid. It's about finding techniques to cope with it all a bit. And finding a way of doing it as a couple...working together so that the needs of both of you are met.

You have someone who cares for you. That is a valuable and precious thing. Treasure it. I have been alone for over seven years now - I would give so much to be able to get my barriers down to let someone that close to me - physically or emotionally. But I can't. I know it's hard and generally overwhelming, but don't give up.

Story of my life. Where I'm at, I can have days where I walk out the door ready to kick ***, and I do! Then I have days where I don't even want to make small talk or eye contact with people whatsoever.

You really only have a couple of choices. Face your fears and learn to deal with them, or run from them. If you run, you know it will mean driving people away.

Yes, I know it's up to him to choice. But, I can't avoid feeling guilty. I feel like I disappointed him. I try to be strong for him and my loved ones but sometimes I lack the strenght and feel like a failure.
Sorry to hear that you are alone.

You're right. I try to face my fears but they don't disappear. It's so exhausting. If I could only trust myself a little but I can't. I've been having these fears since I was an adolescent and I thought with effort I could learn to deal with it better but...

Maybe, as time goes by you can trust and love yourself a bit more. You have been brave in the past successes, and now look within, the answers are there. Embrace them, the questions have the answers inside them. You can do it. Find a new balance for this present time in your life.

Jade

It's only that I don't see myself as a normal person. It's this perfectionism that is always causing me this anguish.
I always have this in my mind " you can't" and this is not the attitude to face to anything. It's over my control. That makes me go or face to everything with such a fear to failure.
It's impossible for me to consider those moments when I could do things well. It doesn't count for me neither a little part than those moments when I didn't feel satisfied, or better said, an outside person.

I wonder how living without fear feels like.

Today, I was telling my guy how I was feeling. He said, can't you see how bad time refugees are having? Those are the ones who suffer day after day.
I felt even worse because it's not that I don't care about others. I think I'm a very emphatic person but I can't focus on others when I'm struggling so badly.