This time called Christmas

I remember Christmas as the worst nightmare when I felt the need to be normal. I still feel the need but with age, you don't care so much about many things. This is true.
I never felt alone. I enjoyed and still enjoy my alone time but looking back it was so painful this time of the year. It was like a constant try to avoid being pointing by a spotlight that showed how rare you were.

I guess you will share part of this. How do you live it currently?
Perhaps, you are in the same moment I lived before. If so, I'd like to tell you that people normaly don't show themselves mean with people like us. I have found pretty understanding people. If I would have been awared of this, I had felt myself less pressure.

Whatever your situation could be, Merry Christmas!!!

I hate this time of year.

I can relate to much of what you say OP, for example I know exactly what you mean by the spotlight. I recently had lunch with some colleagues, the inevitable question came up; "Where is your family going to be this Christmas?" and I HATE that my answer if I'm to be truthful has to be that I have no family and nowhere I belong particularly. I hate it because it is shameful to me, I hate it more because it's so negative. The person asking the question wasn't trying to me mean and doesn't want to cause offense or controvesy, but I have to answer it in a way that burdens everyone listening with the fact that my life sucks. Hate it.

In the past I have spent many Christmasses alone. This year I am lucky in a sense that my neighbours, a nice couple a few years older than me, have taken pity on me and invited me round. But I hate the feeling of being pitied, and hate that at the age of 36 my life is such that dinner with a pitying older couple is the best I can do. Why don't I have a family, children, a house full of joy at Christmas...??

I expect like many of you, I feel a huge sense of relief when I get to January 2nd and it is all over for another year. Back to normality, back to it being OK to be staying in alone...

Yes, I always feel a relief when everything comes back to normality. I still struggle when there's an event out of the rut, such as, a work lunch or any other celebration. I always think I have not place there, that is, feeling an outsider or my terrible thoughts about messing things up or failing. It's all about, the terrible messages about myself my mind sends to me.

Good luck out there to everyone dealing with today and all it entails. We are not alone, even though it has always felt like it.

We invite people over for holidays, not because we pity them, but because we think they might not be busy and we like spending time with them.

Thank you. The nice couple were nice and they made me feel very welcome.

I guess I just have a hard time accepting that people might like me and my company. I see myself as fundamentally flawed and inferior to others, especially when I am in a depressive state as I am now. But hey that's what AvPD is all about (amongst other things)

I think you put the nail on the head. We are many times worried about what others can think of us and many times projecting on them what we think of ourselves. As we feel self-pity we think others feel pity, as we lack of confidence, we are sure people see us like that and etc, etc.
I'm wondering now. If we are sure others see our faults or that traits of our personality we don't like, perhaps they also see the possitive ones. Why not?
Perhaps, this couple see you like a good company.
Would you invite someone your home at Chritsmas time if you didn't consider him a friend, someone whom is worthy to share your time? I wouldn't.

When I had a house and marriage and family life I always set a big table with extra room for drop-ins. I always invited people over who I knew had no family nearby or who might be alone, or older couples without children. I also always invited all my neighbors to drop in and had an all-day open house, and whenever I did this the neighbors always dropped by. It was a great time with many happy memories. I did the decorations up big, and we had a model train set up with an Alpine village, mountains, and little skiers, and everyone liked to come by to see the train and scenery.

I have been finding myself alone for several years off and on at the holidays. This year I was alone and got really disturbed and I ended up calling a crises hotline on Christmas, and again on New Years. On Christmas I didn't even get out of bed.

Something has to be done. I cannot go through another holiday season like this. I am probably going to get proactive in the coming year and try to make more social connections. Usually if you start joining things and get involved you will find yourself with something to do or somewhere to go on the holidays.

I have always called the holidays the time of the "haves and have nots," and even when I had a nice situation and lovely holidays I still didn't like it as it seemed like a very cruel and brutal competitive season.

Maybe more should be written about it. Thank you for this thread.

You're not alone in this. I know many people don't like Christmas for one or another reason. It's a very contradictory period because on another side, the most part of people who celebrate it, seem to be especially open to others. More sensitive. As they can forget for a moment about stress, obligations, routines and be more open to what make us humans.
Thanks to you for sharing!