I like people and want friends, but it is so hard and painful because of the fear of rejection. At my job after I talk to someone I want to self injure. I just think I probably ruined their life or wasted their time or said something stupid or on and on. It hurt so much inside. I wish I didn't care about any of this.

Do any of you struggle with something like this?

[Fuzzybear]

[A Red Panda]

It depends on what I've talked about with them. If it's about THEM or about what's going on near us, then I'm all good because I figure I'm doing them a service or something useful.

If I talk about me or things that are involving me, then I tend to go "omg, what did I do that for? I wasted their time!". But I don't self-injure, so that's not something that crosses my mind.

I'm so sorry that your brain makes you feel that way

I think it does have to do with talking about myself. Or sometimes I worry that I've asked them a stupid question or said something to offend or something stupid. Ugh. It is so hard. I want to just make my brain work right.

[Firecrystal]

It's hard dealing with people. It's like a struggle and worrying about what they think of you. I wish I could help you not think about self harming but don't have the words, as I don't have the experience of self harming. I end up going extremely red faced or doing something clumsy like trip over after talking to people. You could try and relax, because it comes down to being really worried.

[A Red Panda]

I hear you puzzle bug! I've sorta gone the way of dominating conversations sometimes, because I'll get nervous about hearing whatever they might say to me. Then walk away and go "OMG I WAS SO RUDE!!!!!".

I've worked on asking questions that are well, based around whatever's been talked about it. So if I babble, I end up relating it back to them somehow (yeah, I do babble... sometimes I'm dead quiet other times I don't shut up... never can manage to meet the expectation!)

I don't know if this will help at all... but try to remind yourself that we ALL do say and do stupid things (honestly, being a teacher has made me fact that fact... I once added 4+4 wrong as I divided it on the board instead....). Think about all the idiotic celebrity/government statements that get floated around the internet... if they can survive that, then we can survive whatever it is we think we might have done! (Oh so easy to say that and yet soooo hard to remember...)

[AzulOscuro]

Hi there!
I'd like to give you a hug and ask you if you ever questioned these awkward feelings and thoughts. We tend to make a mountain from a grain of sand.

You could ask yourself questions such as: did I really do or say someone that is unforgiveness?
In a similar situation I would judge a person who said the same remark so deeply?
Is there another different way to intérpret this situation that perhaps I didn't take into account?

Our brain can be a nightmare or a prison and we tend to see only one side of the reality, the one that suits with our own negative perception of ourselves.
We also have inflexible views. So, I would see whether I was wrong in some way.
Very rational but true.

Do you all think other people don't even really think twice about what I say? I hope this is the case. I feel like it's self centered of me to worry about this, but I really don't want to hurt people with my words.

[Snap66]

Has this person spoken to you before and likely to again?

Well, it's not any person in particular, just most people I come in contact with.

[Snap66]

You'll find that they will talk to you again, which basically means you've said and done nothing wrong.

I guessing that you feel intimated by your co-workers so its only natural that your avoidance is going to be on high alert. We are sensitive people and dependent on who we're talking to with our response being some kind of internal metered anxiety... for example you may have one person you find easier to talk to than another.

I'm sure you were friendly and thats what they will take away from your conversation and thats what will bring them back to you.

btw, cool user name!

[AzulOscuro]

So, is it in general? What do you perceive? I mean, they go away. They put a bad face on you ...
Do you think you have not an adecuate tone when talks to them? I don't know. I'm asking you things that come to my mind at these moments.

Think that we tend to intérpret a neutral behaviour as a negative one.

Hi puzzlebug. I used to experience immediate regret after talking to people. I felt like I had wasted their time, said something stupid, exposed myself. Sometimes too, wishing I hadn't spoken was a protective thing because I'm so private. Especially if I was talking about something I cared about or something that was personal. I wished I hadn't exposed my feelings/ thoughts to their speculation.

It has gotten easier the more I talk. And the more I hear the nonsense that come out of some peoples' mouths. I worry sometimes that I will stick my foot in my mouth. I once told my T about having said the exact wrong thing to someone. She then proceeded to giving an example of herself sticking her foot in her mouth. Everybody does it.

These things have helped me:

if your intentions are good there is no reason to be hard on yourself.

nobody is better than anybody else, and everyone deserves to be heard and considered

think of someone you love and imagine them in your position whether they say something that is stupid/insensitive etc. or not....your still gonna love em
The same goes for you Even if you do, it is okay You are just fine

[fraidykat]

I hope this isn't too far off topic...
I have always found even the most constructive or non-accusing corrections to be nearly devastating to me. Even as a child, I remember wanting to crawl in a hole and hide if someone had to tell me I'm doing something wrong. for example:
Recently I posted on another forum and received a pm from a mod concerning my application. I am very cautious and analytical about ~ well, everything ~ so I took this personally and felt horrible that I had missed a rule when I thought I read the directions very carefully. I was so upset with myself, I even shook and had heart palpitations! Anyway, I re-read every word of the website's rules and directions, and this particular subject IS NEVER ADDDRESSED. **for the record, the logical thinking part of my brain (very small, btw!) sees how stupid and small this is, but it's the typical kind of thing that will consume me for way too long!** Now, I'm feeling singled out, and pretty much mad! Is this common to anyone else?

[AzulOscuro]

I'm afraid it's pretty common among avoidants. The overreacting, the overthinking.
I hear you very well.
I don't know but I overcame a bit this issue. Mainly, I did testing irrational thoughts in therapy and boosted my self-steem.
I think these are the keys.

Think in an objective way if you really did something unforgiven. Would you punish a person if (s)he had done the same as you?
Surely, the two questions are answered with a no.

Also consider that many forums have an ending list of rules. Did you read all? i didn't.

[mountain human]

Originally Posted by fraidykat

I hope this isn't too far off topic...
I have always found even the most constructive or non-accusing corrections to be nearly devastating to me. Even as a child, I remember wanting to crawl in a hole and hide if someone had to tell me I'm doing something wrong. for example:
Recently I posted on another forum and received a pm from a mod concerning my application. I am very cautious and analytical about ~ well, everything ~ so I took this personally and felt horrible that I had missed a rule when I thought I read the directions very carefully. I was so upset with myself, I even shook and had heart palpitations! Anyway, I re-read every word of the website's rules and directions, and this particular subject IS NEVER ADDDRESSED. **for the record, the logical thinking part of my brain (very small, btw!) sees how stupid and small this is, but it's the typical kind of thing that will consume me for way too long!** Now, I'm feeling singled out, and pretty much mad! Is this common to anyone else?

I tend to re-examine social interactions over and over again (rumination), almost like an OCD thing. I frequently feel like I did or said something incorrectly and I must be a total social misfit. Then I want to avoid having to go through this feeling again and isolate, which is where I feel safest. But isolation leads to depression, so I think that to break the cycle, I need to continue to socialize until I get the hang of it.

Originally Posted by GreenMoss

Hi puzzlebug. I used to experience immediate regret after talking to people. I felt like I had wasted their time, said something stupid, exposed myself. Sometimes too, wishing I hadn't spoken was a protective thing because I'm so private. Especially if I was talking about something I cared about or something that was personal. I wished I hadn't exposed my feelings/ thoughts to their speculation.

It has gotten easier the more I talk. And the more I hear the nonsense that come out of some peoples' mouths. I worry sometimes that I will stick my foot in my mouth. I once told my T about having said the exact wrong thing to someone. She then proceeded to giving an example of herself sticking her foot in her mouth. Everybody does it.

These things have helped me:

if your intentions are good there is no reason to be hard on yourself.

nobody is better than anybody else, and everyone deserves to be heard and considered

think of someone you love and imagine them in your position whether they say something that is stupid/insensitive etc. or not....your still gonna love em
The same goes for you Even if you do, it is okay You are just fine

THank you. SUch good advice.

Originally Posted by fraidykat

I hope this isn't too far off topic...
I have always found even the most constructive or non-accusing corrections to be nearly devastating to me. Even as a child, I remember wanting to crawl in a hole and hide if someone had to tell me I'm doing something wrong. for example:
Recently I posted on another forum and received a pm from a mod concerning my application. I am very cautious and analytical about ~ well, everything ~ so I took this personally and felt horrible that I had missed a rule when I thought I read the directions very carefully. I was so upset with myself, I even shook and had heart palpitations! Anyway, I re-read every word of the website's rules and directions, and this particular subject IS NEVER ADDDRESSED. **for the record, the logical thinking part of my brain (very small, btw!) sees how stupid and small this is, but it's the typical kind of thing that will consume me for way too long!** Now, I'm feeling singled out, and pretty much mad! Is this common to anyone else?

I do this. It is a huge source of my self injury. Punishing myself for doing "bad" things that I didn't even know where bad and actually weren't bad. I also have OCD and that plays into it as well.

[pazhb]

Yes, I totally feel the need to hurt myself in similar situations to the ones you describe. Because in my case, it is to do with complex stuff, my doc has been helping me with this: imagine myself as little Paz, praise her for having been so brave, for talking to others, for making a big effort and visualize Adult Paz ,me, giving little Paz a hug and saying I love you. It takes a lot of practice. But we need to keep trying.

[x.euphoric.x]

I feel the same. The feeling is more prominent when I say something stupid or act stupid. I feel so inferior if I don't know about something that they were talking about. I feel so embarrassed and humiliated on daily basis. The only difference is I don't only think about harming myself. I do just that.