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Member
Member Since Nov 2017
Location: AU
Posts: 182
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#1
I cannot have any relationships.
I cannot make any friendships. For I am avoidant. I get hurt so easily, even at the slightest thing, due to lifelong trauma. Emotional wound is like unto physical, just that you cannot see, it doesn't mean it is not there. When you are wounded, further wounding it would make it worse. So, this is somewhat an analogy. It is like my emotions and feelings have been amplified a thousand times. But, emotional wound is a lot more worse, in my opinion, because you never know when it will be healed, while the physical, possibly. There are triggers that would remind you of memories, then the pain comes flood into your being again. I therefore keep silent. When silence is the way to calm myself down. When silence doesn't hurt. When isolation means reducing the risk of being harmed again. Even the thought of it is re-traumatizing me too. What if I cross my boundary? I could imagine myself get into extreme panic mode, may even get paralysed at the fear of rejection, because I have known rejection all my life. I knew every bit of it and how it felt like completely, including the feelings of humiliation that I have suffered on a daily basis for over a decade. I could imagine myself of self-projecting out of my body if I get too afraid. When relationship is mixed with trauma, it is like touching with the fire, while others are touching the water, refreshed yet unharmed. __________________ Official Psychiatric Dx. Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Complex Dissociative Identity Disorder |
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All Is Revealed, CepheidVariable, Grath
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All Is Revealed, Grath
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Account Suspended
Member Since Oct 2017
Location: In Heaven
Posts: 420
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#2
Social Isolation is the best thing ever. It can prevent you from being hurt. But it can also be a good way to avoid all that unnecessary drama that people bring. I learned my lesson from not being isolated. I learned that life is too short to be dragged into everyone's ridiculous issues. And I'm talking about the issues of supposed "mentally normal" people. Who in my experience are worse than mentally ill people.
Sorry, I don't mean to offend mentally sane people. But my experience with them has shown me they're no better than mentally ill people like us. |
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abusedtoy
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abusedtoy, keledai
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Member
Member Since Nov 2011
Location: 1000 miles from nowhere.
Posts: 311
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#3
__________________ Diagnosed: AvPD. It’s never alright. It comes and it goes. It’s always around, even when it don’t show. They say it gets better. well I guess that it might. But even when it’s better, it’s never alright. |
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All Is Revealed
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All Is Revealed
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Account Suspended
Member Since Oct 2017
Location: In Heaven
Posts: 420
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#4
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Snap66
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Stardust
Member Since Jun 2017
Location: rural Canada
Posts: 2,075
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#5
I'm sorry for your long struggle, abusedtoy.
I seem to recall from seeing another post of yours that you are in therapy, so I know you are probably working through your current thinking there. Relationships and friends can be painful and scary, I know. Maybe it's enough just to talk a little for now. PC is a pretty supportive environment. |
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abusedtoy
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abusedtoy
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Member
Member Since Nov 2017
Location: AU
Posts: 182
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#6
Quote:
__________________ Official Psychiatric Dx. Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Complex Dissociative Identity Disorder |
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CepheidVariable
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#7
I was in self-imposed isolation for the first fifteen years of my adult life. And after three years of sticking my head out, I am once again embracing the solitude.
I don't know any of you, but for some, isolation isbetter. I have great difficulty relating to people, and I don't find relationships with others fulfilling. People throughout my life have tried to fix my introversion, but some just get along best on their own and prefer to be alone. |
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Stardust
Member Since Jun 2017
Location: rural Canada
Posts: 2,075
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#8
I have since seen some of your other posts, and I am truly sorry to hear what you've been through.
I am also so glad to hear that you have a therapist who is gentle and that you seem to relate to. I think it is a good idea to tell her what you said here. I think I understand -- and how conflicting that connection feels. Wishing you well. |
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abusedtoy
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abusedtoy
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Member
Member Since Nov 2017
Location: Netherlands
Posts: 114
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#9
Quote:
But here's something I realised: I'm not shutting the door on the storm outside if I'm avoidant. I'm shutting the door on the storm inside me. I'm too afraid to confront the storm of emotions inside me, so I hide from it and bubble it up. But that's not healthy. And not helpful. We all need to confront this if we don't want our storms to devour us from the inside. I hope that I'll be strong enough for that at some point. |
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abusedtoy, CepheidVariable
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abusedtoy, CepheidVariable, Daisy Dead Petals
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