Very confused and overwhelmed by intimacy

Hello. So, I'm 22yo, and I've never had a boyfriend and never wanted one because it scares me - I also consider myself asexual. I've got Aspergers as well as AvPD and things get overwhelming very quickly. My feelings are sort of weird - it's hard to identify what I feel, they're sort of foggy. I've never fallen in love though. My Aspergers in combination with AvPD makes me scared of both emotional and physical intimacy, but that doesn't mean I don't want it.

I know that now because a few days ago I was at a very good friend's bday party and afterwards we slept in the same bed, we were talking about initmate things and cuddling and well, he finds me attractive so he sort of pleasured me. Yeah. Usually I'd panic, but I trust him and it was dark. I enjoyed it. Simple as that. And it confuses the **** out of me.

After I was back home and in my room I just cried all day, and still cry all the time now. I don't understand anything anymore. I even talked to him about it, but he doesn't really understand because he's a very open person, he likes physical contact and it's no big deal to him. To him it was a great night with a good friend and that's it. And for me it took so much effort and trust to make myself open up to him and it made me vulnerable in a way that I'd never been before.

I've known him for two years, helped him through a lot of ****, but for the most part it's a very one-sided relationship because he always initiates conversations and asks me how I am and all I usually do is react to that, sometimes more readily than other times. But he has always liked me and always shows me that he does - for someone with AvPD the perfect scenario, bc I've never had to fear rejection or abandonment from him.

That night I told him about my fears and my desires, and wasn't the cold and unapproachable person I usually am. And it was okay at the time, I felt really secure. But while I was opening to him, I was also opening up to myself and allowing in feelings I didn't even know I had. I don't think they're directed at him or that they're of a romantic kind. It's just about the fact that someone has come so close to me and somewhat carried me out of my indifferent, emotionless state.

Now that he did, it has left me feeling vulnerable and endlessly confused bc I liked it so much and it was so intense and good and I don't know what to make of it. All I do is cry all the time because I'm so overwhelmed and confused. Anybody with AvPD who's had a similarly scary intimate experience? Please tell me I'm not crazy

Hello Strawberry: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral.

I don't believe I can be of help with regard to what you have experienced. Perhaps there will yet be other members who will have some thoughts they can share. The one thing I know is anything related to human sexuality can be immensely complicated & confusing. So my thinking would be that perhaps what you have experienced would be something that would be good to delve into with the help of a mental health therapist.

There are forums, here on PC, dedicated to the subjects of Asperger's syndrome as well as AvPD. Here are links to these forums:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/auti...er-s-syndrome/

https://forums.psychcentral.com/avoi...lity-disorder/

And then here are links to 5 articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subject of Asperger's syndrome & Aspie relationships. Plus there are 3 articles on the subject of AvPD. The last article, on AvPD is actually intended for people who might be in a relationship with an Aspie. Hopefully, however, you may still find it to offer some useful insights:

Asperger's Syndrome

Debunking 6 Myths About Asperger Syndrome

Romance, Love and Asperger Syndrome

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/asper...relationships/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/aspie...isconceptions/

https://psychcentral.com/disorders/a...lity-disorder/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/5-step...lity-disorder/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/love-...idant-partner/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

Welcome to pc