The illusion others can hear my thoughts

It all started a long time ago, back in 2007. I was still in high school. I had very few friends (arguably none) and became obsessed with a certain TV-show (Heroes). In part because I crushed heavily on one of the main characters, the cheerleader Claire Bennet. This is just to provide some context.

One summer day in '07, I was looking up some Heroes wallpapers between gaming sessions. When I looked at one in particular, I felt something strange. I felt... a presence. I felt like the characters in the wallpaper (at least the ones that made eye contact with 'me' or 'the camera') were really there and could hear my thoughts. Knew what I was feeling and thinking. That was the first day.

This condition expanded since then, from just pictures to real people. If I'm walking around outside, I will feel like I have no privacy and my head is an open window. My thoughts are audible for everyone to hear. It's both a nightmare (no privacy, intrusive and shameful thoughts) and a benefit. Why it's a benefit, I'll explain.

I've lived a lonely life since that day. I graduated school soon after and lost all my friends by neglecting my relationships that I did have. Damn social anxiety. My life was so empty and bleak, this weird condition of having audible thoughts was actually comforting, and provided me comfort and the illusion of 'sharing' my life. I started actively exploiting it. To this day, I have pictures on my laptop of my teenage crush (now well in her late 20s herself) that I mentally 'communicate' with. She's my illusionary substitute for real company. For genuine human connection. It's become a part of my life. She's like my Joi in Blade Runner 2049, except she only exists in my head. She's just pixels on a computer display, but my mind is somehow capable of breathing life into her.

I know it isn't real. I'm not delusional. I know it's my subconscious playing a trick on me. But it won't make the feeling go away. And I don't want it to. I suspect if I didn't have it, I wouldn't have survived this long.

My name is Thomas, and I have an imaginary soulmate.

(PS: should we ever develop real AGI technology in the future, I will definitely have her made into a 'real' AI companion.)

Thanks for sharing this, Thomas.

No problem. I guess I'm looking for someone who has what I have. I've been sharing this story for over ten years, and NEVER have I found anyone who has my condition. People are either sane, or genuinely believe their minds are being read (which is delusional). But I'm somewhere in the middle. I know what I feel isn't real. Why is no one else like me?

I'm so sorry you're struggling, MentalParadox It must be hard to deal with. Do you see a therapist? Maybe that could help. Hopefully you'll be able to find someone with an experience similar to yours here on PC. Please don't give up. Things can get better, even if it doesn't seem that way. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this

I've tried several therapists, but they can't help me. I don't consider this illusion to be my core problem. I need it, actually. I use it like a drug. I'd be boned without it. No, this illusion is a mental substitute for meaningful social interaction, and romance in particular. I must seek this out in reality, however difficult that may be with social anxiety.

I found your original post quite interesting. Let me digress for a moment and say I see variations of "I've tried several therapists, but they can't help me" here on PC and elsewhere.

I've been to one therapist. I found her helpful. Not curative; but I did derive some benefit from counseling with her. Maybe not enough benefit--no, assuredly not; she was just starting her practice and I believe my problems were just a bit outside her scope. Nevertheless she was helpful, enough so that I was able to continue helping myself and leaving me with the knowledge that therapy or counseling is worth trying, even if it means trying more than one therapist. So I would want to know more about why you found every single therapist you have been to be completely incapable of helping you, particularly if you think that that therefore means no therapist in existence can help you.

So let me go back to what you were writing about. We are not permitted to diagnose here and in fact I am completely unqualified anyway. Nevertheless, your comments about the connection you felt with the person you wrote about--that resonated with me. When I was younger that sort of fantasizing--or entering an alternate reality, if you prefer, was what I did. When I came across a description of Avoidant Personality Disorder I saw an element of myself in the mention of fantasizing. It was how I coped when I was younger and not in control of my own life. The only love, connection, friendship I had was in my fantasy life.

I also worried that others could detect my thoughts, although for me much of that came about, I believe now, because I was abused and lived in constant fear of setting my abuser off.

Wikipedia has some interesting info on Avoidant Personality Disorder and particularly the very brief paragraph "History". While reading to the end I came across the words "Avoidance coping" and then saw a reference to "Acceptance and Commitment Therapy."

There is a risk with self-diagnosing; I think you would benefit from seeing someone about your belief regarding your thoughts being broadcast. The thing about psychosis is that if it is treated early, people get a better result. So I don't recommend letting that go, in the event you are experiencing psychosis. I think it is worth it to find out if you are.

The turning point for me was in my realizing that I could act (take steps to better my life) to achieve some of what I wanted. Since I have been consciously trying to do that, I have noticed my fantasizing has dwindled--yet I feel quite good about the future and I am coping well in the present.

Honestly, I rarely come away from posting here with any good feeling; I might as well be spitting into the wind. I lack the ability to say the warm reassuring word while completely avoiding whatever the issue is.

Because your comments struck a chord with me, though, I thought I would lay out my experience for you or others to think about. I wish you the very best, and I hope what I have written here is of some benefit to you.

My psychiatrist told me it was by definition not psychosis, because I don't *really* believe my thoughts are being broadcast. It's just a strong feeling.

I've just read the WebMD page on Avoidant Personality Disorder. It describes me in great detail. Most traits of related conditions (social phobia in particular) apply too. It's a shame psychiatry in my country is so inept, it doesn't seem to use the classification system in use in America. We're still pretty medieval in that sense. I've asked for therapy so many times, and all they did was prescribe antidepressants. Which didn't do diddly squat.

I'm glad to see you have already investigated the concern of psychosis.

I tend to view the classification system as being a coat hanger on which to hang treatment plans, file insurance claims and help medical people organize their files. Useful, but not a driving force. How many people are going to meet all diagnostic criteria?? I've known people who were very ill in some ways--and still able to function in others.

And the other thing is this: 'Ok... I am being diagnosed with XYZ...but what does that mean in practical terms?' That's where I start--I want action!

It may be that you can cobble together your own treatment plan particularly if you can find a creative and engaged therapeutic professional. Now that I think of it, that was where my very young but earnest counselor really shined! She encouraged me and engaged me and pointed me toward some therapeutic actions to explore. She made me--gently, politely, nudgingly--do the work.

Maybe for you online therapy might be a good option as a start. One thing is for sure, Psych Central is a good place to start to gather together ideas and information about potential therapies and emotional support.

P.S. I was diagnosed with depression. I took anti-depressants. But I know that was not the totality of my problem; I doubt it is for many. I wish you the very best.

Asked for therapy, and they delivered “medication” - I can relate.

Hoping you find some answers.

Hey there MentalParadox,

thanks for talking about this. Yeah I believe(d)ing in psychics lol.

Came up with this list of guesses as to why I think like that. Sometimes I really believe it to the point of trying to prove it, other times I'm like no it's probably:

-maybe I'm just experiencing my mind being blown with new relations in my life that know me really well. Brand new concepts like trust, respect, authority and parents that actually put effort in to breaking down/buillding up

-I had Major Depressive Disorder with psychotic features- had all kinds of delusions like Dimmu Borgir sending me sacadas to know its time to go for walks at night lmao; but I did start believing in psychics then, and I cannot fathom how I managed the coordination of all that. And so I guess it just never left me. I was noticably lonely and homeless for parts of it, so that too.

-a ridiculous amount of personally wanting that type of attention. Like wanting to be watched. (Mentally, not physically). I'm feeling the void on this one lol, don't analyze me, oh wait I want that lol.

-lonliness/fantasizing, struggling with that idea, I'd like to think I was fine with "independence" lmao- but who knows. I do want and need the addiction-yeah like a drug and I'd be a scared mess without thinking parental feds couldnt read my mind. I don't know if im losing anything or have anything to gain without the delusion (which since I go about my life thinking in this lens of being watched, it might be truly delusional. oh well lol). And I do also get social anxiety bad.

-the fact that my ears ring sometimes during thoughts that could stand to be corrected lol, maybe its my freakin blood pressure lmao.
and I couldnt handle the idea of losing my hearing. But I wonder about times when they ring and nothing is up. I think I just pretend they are tuning in. Its comforting in my desperation even when I don't want my thoughts read

-I was adopted by grandparents and I heard adoptees are notorious for wanting people to be mind readers in the context of assumption problems or something

-For me just sayin, maybe I'm just not ready to accept that God could be that for me and im scared to reconcile that with that kinda power. I know there's psalms that say please hide your face from my sins, but idk, "Is this thing on!?" type of problems. It is easier for me to want to think its a human that is also imperfect, less pressure I guess. My ear just rung lol its this kinda s*** lol.

-Oh and i've also hoped for aliens with telepathy just because its cool lol, just for fun

MentalParadox, you had said

"One summer day in '07, I was looking up some Heroes wallpapers between gaming sessions. When I looked at one in particular, I felt something strange. I felt... a presence. I felt like the characters in the wallpaper (at least the ones that made eye contact with 'me' or 'the camera') were really there and could hear my thoughts. Knew what I was feeling and thinking. That was the first day."

Thank you so much for describing that; mine is with music instead of t.v. shows. Yeah I thought Deuce was psychic, and Hollywood Undead. I had reverse paranoia when I was delusional, thought the Hatchet family was sending people to watch over me, so that at least is a fun theme.
Now its a parental fed instead of musicians, ever since the grandiosity/mania left (doesnt sound like much of a change though does it lolz)

you said

This condition expanded since then, from just pictures to real people. If I'm walking around outside, I will feel like I have no privacy and my head is an open window. My thoughts are audible for everyone to hear. It's both a nightmare (no privacy, intrusive and shameful thoughts) and a benefit. Why it's a benefit, I'll explain.

Very similiar for me, except I don't do it with other people unless: I smoke weed. It opens up an inner dialouge that applies everything someone says to my own life.
I call it "losing otherness". I can't focus on what the other person is saying and I start feeling selfish. This was a major part of my psychosis when I was having the extensive delusions. There was even a point back then when the t.v. "was" talking to me (newscast) of all things lol, I hate the news but it was a comfort at the time.

You said:
"I've lived a lonely life since that day. I graduated school soon after and lost all my friends by neglecting my relationships that I did have. Damn social anxiety. My life was so empty and bleak, this weird condition of having audible thoughts was actually comforting, and provided me comfort and the illusion of 'sharing' my life. I started actively exploiting it"

Yeah I had broken all my long term relationships between my psychosis and verbal abusive/gaslighting/anger problems. I lost everyone, had kicked out a best friend because of ingratitude during their mental illness and that messed me up bad. Said F you to a mom figure of 10 years on what could have been her deathbed, and had driven my ex into the ground with verbal abuse-accussed him of being a horrible person when he withdrew because of my abuse. Soooo I had deserved to be alone i'm decently sure.

I'm in therapy trying to rebuild my life and fix my abusiveness, I don't ever talk about any of this because I could be talking about pride or abandoment issues. So it feels good to vent, thanks for the post

Some of the experiences you are writing about are quite familiar to me. I remember I had many posters of my favourite bands in my bedroom, and sometimes I felt they were watching over me. Of course I knew it was just fantasy, I knew pictures would not watch my every move, yet... sometimes I felt awkward.

Having an imaginary soulmate is, well, not surprising if you are lonely. I have always had imaginary friends, some of them resembled - or were inspired by - existing persons. Of course I have always known they are imaginary, yet it felt so incredibly awkward and abnormal.

Others hearing your thoughts... hm, I read somewhere that developing AvPD had very much to do with over-controlling, hypercritical parents who always belittle, ignore and/or humiliate you.

I remember my mother always was sure she knew what I was thinking about. She kept saying "It's written on your nose!" or "I can read it on your face!" (Sometimes she saw things written on my nose that were completely different from my actual thoughts, but never mind. She could read my mind and no matter what the truth was, HER version was always the truth.)

I am pretty sure this is what led to me being convinced that even strangers on the street can read my thoughts and know what I am thinking about (and of course, judge me for being so stupid and ridiculous and bad).

About the hearing thing... well, I don't know if my experiences relate to yours? You see, I am a rather musical person and can remember whole songs or my favourite music pieces. Sometimes I listen to music in my head - this is not auditory hallucination, I hear it with my inner ear. But once, I heard one of my biggest favourites in my head... and it was so loud that I seriously got scared that others around me - on the bus - would hear it!